Crisis in Egypt - Anderson Cooper & Bill O'Reilly

  • Aired:  02/03/11
  •  | Views: 163,956

The Egyptian people ask Anderson Cooper to step down, and Bill O'Reilly believes God is the answer to everything. (5:55)

>> Stephen: THANK YOU,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

WELCOME TO THE REPORT.

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

FOLKS, BEFORE I GO ANY

FURTHER I WOULD JUST LIKE TO

DEDICATE TONIGHT'S SHOW TO

MY BROTHER ROSCOE.

(LAUGHTER)

I LOVE YOU, ROSCOE-- ROSCOE.

SORRY ABOUT ALL THOSE

TERRIBLE THINGS I'VE SAID

BUT.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW BACK TO THE NEWS, FOLKS,

EGYPT CONTINUES TO BE ROCKED

BY VIOLENT UNREST IN A MAJOR

TEST NOT ONLY OF THE POWER

OF DEMOCRACY BUT ALSO OF THE

AMERICAN ATTENTION SPAN.

(LAUGHTER)

TEN DAYS, REALLY?

I SAY FREE YOURSELVES OR GET

OFF THE POT.

WE GOT A SUPER BOWL COMING.

PRIORITIES.

WELL, YESTERDAY EGYPT'S

NEWLY APPOINTED PRIME

MINISTER AHMED SHAFIQ TOOK

ACTION TO RESOLVE TO CRISIS

BY SAYING QUOTE I OFFER MY

APOLOGY FOR EVERYTHING THAT

HAPPENED YESTERDAY.

(LAUGHTER)

PROBLEM SOLVED.

SHOW'S OVER, FOLKS.

BACK TO YOUR PERMIT-- PYRAMIDS,

COME ON.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND REALLY, FOR A DESPOT

IT'S SUCH AN ELEGANT

SOLUTION.

IF ONLY POL POT HAD SAID I

APOLOGISE FOR KILLING 3

MILLION CAMBODIANS.

(LAUGHTER)

WE CAN GO BACK TO NAMING OUR

KIDS POL POT AGAIN.

(LAUGHTER)

LOST OPPORTUNITY.

BUT FOR SOME REASON, THE

UNREST CONTINUES, FOLKS.

AND IT HIT TERRIFYING NEW

HEIGHTS WHEN FOR THE SECOND

DAY IN A ROW CNN'S IMMORTAL

NUSSLE OF ANDERSON COOPER

WAS ASSAULTED.

HE TWEETED THE VEHICLE I WAS

IN ATTACKED.

MY WINDOW SMASHED.

ALL OKAY.

AND THAT'S JUST ONE DAY

AFTER COOPER WAS REPEATEDLY

PUNCHED IN THE HEAD BY

PROTESTORS.

NATION, I NEVER THOUGHT I

WOULD SAY THIS, BUT CLEARLY

THE TIME HAS COME FOR

ANDERSON COOPER TO STEP

DOWN.

(LAUGHTER)

HIS CRUEL REIN OF MAKING US

SELF-CONSCIOUS ABOUT OUR ANS

IS OVER.

THE EGYPTIAN PEOPLE HAVE

SPOKEN!

YOUR REIGN HAS ENDED.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

REALLY GOOD LOOKING, AND

COOPER, COOPER ISN'T THE

ONLY NEWSMAN UNDER ATTACK

OUT THERE.

PAPA BEAR BILL O'REILLY HAS

TAKEN SOME HITS RECENTLY

OVER A PHILOSOPHICAL

BREAKTHROUGH I REPORTED ON

THIS MONTH.

JIM?

>> THIS WEEK, BILL DID WHAT

CENTURIES OF PHILOSOPHERS

BEFORE HIM COULD NOT DO.

HE PROVED THE EXISTENCE OF

GOD.

>> TIDE GOES IN, TIDE GOES

OUT, NEVER A

MISCOMMUNICATION.

I SAY LISTEN, SUN GOES UP,

SUN GOES DOWN, TIDE COMES IN,

TIDE COMES OUT.

THERE IS NO

MISCOMMUNICATION.

SUN COMES UP, THE SUN GOES

DOWN.

(LAUGHTER)

>> THE TIDE COMES IN, THE

TIDE GOES OUT.

IT ALWAYS HAPPENS.

NEVER A MISCOMMUNICATION.

>> BUT SOMEHOW THERE ARE

STILLATIESTS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> WORSE YET, WORSE YET THE

LEFTIE BLOGO SPHERE HAS

RIDICULED BILL BY POINTING

OUT THE MOON CAUSES TIDES

AND WE'VE KNOWN THAT FOR

CENTURIES.

WELL IT'S HUMBLE PIE TIME

PEOPLE WHO TOOK NINTH GRADE

SCIENCE.

(LAUGHTER)

FATHER O'REILLY, TAKE THEM

TO SUNDAY SCHOOL.

>> HOW DID THE MOON GET

THERE.

LOOK, YOU PINHEADS WHO

ATTACK ME FOR THIS, YOU GUYS

ARE JUST DESPERATE.

HOW DID THE MOON GET BE

THERE, HOW DID THE SUN GET

THERE.

HOW DID IT GET THERE?

HOW COME WE HAVE THAT, AND

MARS DOESN'T HAVE IT.

(LAUGHTER)

HOW COME?

WHY NOT?

HOW DID IT GET HERE?

>> BOOM!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> TAKE THAT,

GRAVITY-HUGGERS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

HUH?

HOW COME WE HAVE THE MOON

AND MARS DOESN'T.

EXCEPT FOR THE TWO THAT IT

HAS.

(LAUGHTER)

HOW DID THE SUN GET THERE?

WHERE DOES IT GO AT NIGHT?

HOW DID THE MOON GET THERE?

WHY DID THE COW JUMP OVER

IT?

WHAT TIME IS IT?

HOW COME I HAVE TWO FAUCETS.

HOT COMES OUT OF ONE, COLD

COMES OUT OF THE OTHER.

NEVER A MISCOMMUNICATION.

YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN THAT.

YOU CAN'T EXMAIN THAT.

CHEERS MAAS.

IN FACT, IN FACT, WHERE DOES

BILL O'REILLY COME FROM?

HE'S ON MY TV.

HE'S OFF MY TV, THEN HE'S

BACK.

WHERE DID HE COME FROM

SOMETIMES HE'S ON THE RADIO

AND I'M WATCHING WITH HIM ON

THE TiVO AT THE SAME TIME.

YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN THAT.

WHY DOES MY TiVO THINK I

WANT TO RECORD SWAMP

BLOGGER-- BLOGGERS, NOBODY

KNOWS, NOBODY KNOWS, CAN'T

EXPLAIN THAT.

KIDS, THEY'RE DESPERATE.

AS LONG AS NOBODY KNOWS, THE

ANSWER HAS GOT TO BE GOD.

QED, PDQ.

LOOK, ALL BILL IS SAYING IS

THAT GOD IS THE ANSWER TO

EVERYTHING.

AND WHERE DOES GOD COME

FROM?

THAT'S EASY.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT CAN'T BE ANSWERED WITH

GOD.

I MEAN HOW CAN HE MAKE

HIMSELF IF HE WASN'T THERE

YET TO MAKE HIM.

THEREFORE THERE IS NO GOD

AND EVERYTHING IS JUST A

CHAOTIC COLLECTION OF RANDOM

ENERGY WITH NO MEANING.

I LOVE YOU, BILL O'REILLY.

NO, NO, NO, NO!

NO!

JIMMY, QUICK.

>> THE TIDE GOES BE IN, THE

TIDE GOES OUT IT ALWAYS

HAPPENS, NEVER A

MISCOMMUNICATION.

>> THANK YOU, BILL.

FOR GIVING MY LIFE MEANING.

YOU'RE LIKE ST. THOMAS

AQUINAS IN THAT YOUR