"Three Billy Goats Gruff" Budget Negotiations

  • Aired:  08/01/11
  •  | Views: 68,341

When handling budget negotiations, Troll Obama should never have let the Republican billy goats clomp over his bridge. (5:51)

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WOO!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OH, BOY.

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CROWD CHANTING STEPHEN] THANK

YOU SO MUCH, EVERYBODY.

I WANT TO GIVE A BIG SHOUT OUT

OUT HERE, OUT THERE TO ALL MY

BRONIES WHO MAY BE WATCHING.

[LAUGHTER]

DON'T RIDE THE WHITE BRONY.

AFTER LAUGH IT'S --

[LAUGHTER]

NATION, IT IS EXACTLY 11:32

EASTERN TIME, IF I HAD NOT

PRE-TAPED THIS SHOW FOUR HOURS

AGO.

[LAUGHTER]

SO I DON'T KNOW WHETHER CONGRESS

HAS PASSED THE COMPROMISE PLAN

TO RAISE THE DEBT CEILING.

OR WHETHER WE DEFAULTED AND YOU

ARE WATCHING THIS FROM A CAVE,

EATING SQUIRRELS THAT YOU ARE

COOKING OVER A PILE OF U.S.

TREASURY BONDS.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, I'M BETTING DEFAULT WHICH

IS WHY I SPENT THE WEEKEND

BOTTLING MY OWN URINE TO USE AS

DRINKING WATER.

REMEMBER, YOU WANT TO RUN IT

THROUGH THE BRITA THREE TIMES.

[LAUGHTER]

AFTER THAT, YOU ARE GOLDEN, OR

RATHER YOU ARE NOT.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT IF THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENS

AND CONGRESS COOPERATES, THERE'S

A SILVER LINING TO SOLVENCY

BECAUSE THIS IS THE BEST KIND OF

DEAL-- THE KIND DEMOCRATS HATE.

>> NOW IS THIS THE DEAL I WOULD

HAVE PREFERRED, NO?

>> WE ALL MAY NOT BE TO BE ABLE

TO SUPPORTED IT OR NONE OF US

MAY BE ABLE TO SUPPORT IT.

>> THIS IS NOT A BALANCED

APPROACH.

>> THIS IS A SATAN SANDWICH.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Stephen: YES, FOR THE

DEMOCRATS THIS IS A SATAN

SANDWICH, A BEELZE-B-L-T, A

BECAUSE THE DEAL GIVES THE

REPUBLICANS $2.4 TRILLION IN

CUTS WITH NO INCREASE IN TAXES

OR CLOSING LOOPHOLES FOR

CORPORATIONS AND THE RICH.

IN RETURN, THE DEMOCRATS GET A

RISE IN THE DEBT CEILING THAT

LASTS UNTIL 2013.

YOU KNOW YOU'VE WON A

NEGOTIATION WHEN THE OPPONENT'S

ONLY DEMAND IS NOT TO HAVE TO

NEGOTIATE WITH YOU AGAIN FOR A

LONG TIME.

WLAF LAUGH --

[LAUGHTER]

AS SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE JOHN

BOEHNER SAID, THE REPUBLICANS

GOT 98% OF WHAT THEY WANTED.

SO OBVIOUSLY REPUBLICANS ARE

THRILLED.

>> FROM THE REPUBLICAN PARTY'S

POINT OF VIEW WE CAN DECLARE

VICTORY.

I'M NOT READY TO VOTE FOR THIS.

>> THIS SAY VICTORY FOR OUR

LEADERSHIP.

I CAN'T VOTE FOR THIS.

>> THIS IS NOT SOMETHING I AM

INCLINED TO SUPPORT.

>> I'M NOT INCLINED TO SUPPORT

IT.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Stephen: YES.

THIS IS A VICTORY BUT IT COULD

HAVE BEEN SO MUCH VICTORY-ER!

WHAT ABOUT A BALANCED BUDGET

AMENDMENT?

WHAT ABOUT A TAX CUT?

WHAT ABOUT MAKING OBAMA EAT A

BUG?

[LAUGHTER]

I BELIEVE THAT'S IN THE TEA

PARTY PLATFORM.

AND WE COULD HAVE GOTTEN IT ALL,

BECAUSE THE PRESIDENT CLEARLY

RESPONDS TO THREATS.

AND THIS IS THE THIRD TIME.

IT'S LIKE THE BILLY GOATS GRUFF.

OBAMA'S THE TROLL.

[LAUGHTER]

BACK IN DECEMBER THE SMALLEST

BILLY GOAT SAID, "MR. TROLL, LET

ME CROSS YOUR BRIDGE SO I CAN GO

TO THE OTHER SIDE AND RENEW THE

BUSH TAX CUTS OR I WILL CALL YOU

A JOB KILLER."

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, THE TROLL HAD PROMISED THE

PEOPLE WHO ELECTED HIM BRIDGE

KEEPER THAT HE WOULDN'T LET THIS

SPECIFIC GOAT CROSS.

BUT KEEPING IN MIND HIS OTHER

TROLLISH PRIORITIES, HE MADE THE

POLITICAL CALCULATION TO LET THE

GOAT PASS AND BRING THIS ISSUE

UP LATER WITH A BIGGER GOAT HE

KNEW WAS COMING.

[LAUGHTER]

THEN, THIS SPRING THE

MEDIUM-SIZED BILLY GOAT SHOWED

UP AND SAID, "MR. TROLL, LET ME

CROSS YOUR BRIDGE, SO I CAN CUT

SPENDING OR I WILL SHUT DOWN THE

GOVERNMENT."

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, EVERYBODY HAD SEEN THIS

EXACT MATCH UP IN 1995 AND KNEW

A TROLL COULD WIN IT BY EATING

THE GOAT AND THEN CELEBRATING BY

HAVING SEX WITH A TROLL INTERN.

[LAUGHTER]

OKAY?

GETTING COLLEGE CREDIT IN BRIDGE

KEEPING.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT THE TROLL SAID "NOW IS NOT

THE TIME.

THERE'S A BIGGER GOAT COMING AND

I TRUST THAT THAT GOAT WILL DO

THE RIGHT THING."

SO HE LET THE MEDIUM GOAT PASS.

THEN, THIS SUMMER THE LARGEST

BILLY GOAT CAME CLOPPING UP AND

SAID, "MR. TROLL, I WILL NOT

RAISE THE DEBT CEILING UNLESS I

GET TO GOUGE OUT YOUR EYES AND

THROW YOU OFF THE BRIDGE."

[LAUGHTER]

SO THE TROLL HAD TO COMPROMISE

BY GOUGING OUT HIS OWN EYES AND

THROWING HIMSELF OFF THE BRIDGE.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS --

WHEN THE FIRST GOAT COMES ALONG,

YOU GOTTA TEAR IT'S HEAD OFF,

HAVE SEX WITH THE NECK HOLE,

MAIL THE CARCASS BACK TO ITS

BROTHERS AND SAY, "ANY OF YOU

OTHER GOAT (bleep) WANT TO PUT

A HOOF ON MY BRIDGE?"

THE END.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THE END.

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