Tip/Wag - Gay Building Marriage & Transportation Safety Board Cell Phone Ban

  • Aired:  02/14/12
  •  | Views: 35,090

A Seattle woman saves a building by marrying it, and the National Transportation Safety Board rejects Americans' constitutional right to tear down the highway while texting. (4:26)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

PEOPLE... I'VE ALWAYS SAID

PEOPLE IN GLASS HOUSES SHOULD

NOT THROW STONES.

ALSO, THEY SHOULD PUT SOME PANTS

ON.

THIS IS "TIP OF THE HAT, WAG OF

THE FINGER."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

FOLKS, I HAVE NEVER BEEN A FAN

OF SEATTLE.

FOR ONE THING, THEY HAVE TOTALLY

RIPPED OFF NEW YORK'S IDEA OF

HAVING A STARBUCKS EVERYWHERE.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT I MUST ADMIT, I WAS ODDLY

MOVED BY THIS STORY.

>> A UNIQUE WEDDING IN SEATTLE

THIS AFTERNOON AS PEOPLE CAME

TOGETHER TO WITNESS THE UNION OF

A WOMAN AND A BUILDING.

THAT'S RIGHT.

IN AN EFFORT TO SAVE A BUILDING

OM DEMOLITION, A SEATTLE WOMANBUILDINGFR

MARRIED IT.

>> I'M DOING THIS TO SHOW THE

BUILDING HOW MUCH I LOVE IT, HOW

MUCH I LOVE COMMUNITY SPACE AND

HOW MUCH I LOVE THIS

NEIGHBORHOOD.

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT THEY

SAY?

WHEN YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH A

BUILDING, IF YOU LIKE IT, THEN

YOU SHOULD HAVE PUT A WING ON

IT.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

NOW, WHO ARE WE... WHO ARE WE?

IT SOUND ODD, WHO ARE WE TO

JUDGE THIS WOMAN FOR WANTING TO

MARRY A BUILDING?

I MEAN, IN COLLEGE WE ALL

EXPERIMENTED WITH ARCHITECTURE.

I HAD A HUGE CRUSH ON OUR DORM

BATHROOM.

AND LET ME TELL YOU, THAT THING

WAS BUILT LIKE A BRICK (BLEEP)

HOUSE.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW, I WAS READY TO SEND A

COUPLE WEDDING GIFTS, MAYBE

SILVERWARE OR A LENGTH OF COPPER

PIPE UNTIL I HEARD THIS.

>> I'M GETTING MARRIED ON

SUNDAY.

IT'S GOING TO BE A GAY WEDDING.

>> Stephen: THAT BUILDING IS A

LESBIAN!

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S WHY I'M GIVING A WAG OF

MY FINKER TO GAY BUILDING

MARRIAGE!

DON'T TELL ME YOU CAN'T FIND ANY

GOOD MALE STRUCTURES IN SEATTLE!

COME ON!

LOOK AT THE SPACE NEEDLE!

(LAUGHTER)

THAT THING IS HUNG LIKE THE

CHRYSLER BUILDING.

AND WE ALL KNOW THAT WOMAN ON

FEMALE BUILDING IS JUST A

SLIPPERY SLOPE TO MAN ON

DOGHOUSE.

(LAUGHTER)

NEXT UP ON T TO THE WAG, THERE'S

NOTHING I LOVE MORE THAN GETTING

IN MY CAR AND MAKING PHONE

CALLS.

UNFORTUNATELY, NOT EVERYONE

EMBRACES AMERICA'S

CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT TO TEAR

DOWN THE HIGHWAY WHILE TEXTING

YOUR BEST FRIEND LOU-DOG.

WHAT'S UP, LOU DOG?

THE DOG IS LOOSE!

RUFF RUFF!

THAT'S THE DOG, YOU DON'T WANT

TO LET HIM OFF THE CHAIN.

HE'S CRAZY!

LOU DOG!

(HOWLS)

(LAUGHTER)

THAT IS WHY... I COULD GO ON ALL

NIGHT.

THAT'S WHY I'M GIVING A WAG OF

MY FINKER TO THOSE NERVOUS

NELLIES OVER AT THE NATIONAL

TRANSPORTATION SAFETY BOARD.

LISTEN TO THEIR LATEST ASSAULT

ON OUR FIBER OPTIC FREEDOM.

>> SAFETY EXPERTS ARE CALLING

FOR A NATIONWIDE BAN ON USING

CELL PHONES TO TALK AND TEXT

MESSAGE WHILE DRIVING.

AND NOW THE N.T.S.B. WANTS TO

TAKE IT A STEP FURTHER, BANNING

ALL ELECTRONIC DEVICES IN THE

CAR.

>> Stephen: WHAT?

ALL ELECTRONIC DEVICES?

EVEN MY DASHBOARD BLENDER?

(LAUGHTER)

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO MAKE MY

FAMOUS CARGARITAS?

(LAUGHTER)

WORST OF ALL, THIS BAN WOULD

EVEN INCLUDES HANDS-FREE

DEVICES.

YOU'RE TELLING ME I LEARNED TO

DIAL WITH MY FEET FOR NOTHING?

(LAUGHTER)

FOLKS, COME ON!

(HOWLS)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I LOVE LOU-DOG.

FOLKS, THE ONLY SAVING GRACE IS

THAT THIS BAN ON CELL PHONE USE

IN CARS APPLIES EXCEPT DURING

EMERGENCIES!

SO IF YOU WANT TO KEEP TALKING

WHILE DRIVING, I AM PROUD TO

INTRO INTRODUCE MY NEW PATENTED

CELL PHONE CASE "STEPHEN

COLBERT'S HIVE TALKING" WHICH IS

A BEE'S NEST FILLED WITH

HUNDREDS OF ANGRY YELLOWJACKETS.

ALL YOU DO IS JUST GLUE YOUR

CELL PHONE TO IT, STICK YOUR

HAND INSIDE AND NOW YOU'LL NEVER

LOSE THE RIGHT TO CALL YOUR WIFE

AND SAY "HONEY, DO YOU WANT KNOW

PICK UP ANYTHING AT THE GROCERY?

OH, MY GOD, BEES IN MY MOUTH!

BEES IN MY MOUTH!"

PLUS IT FUNCTIONS AS A G.P.S.

AS LONG AS YOUR DESTINATION IS

THE NEAREST SOURCE OF POLLEN.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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