America's Lime Crisis

  • Aired:  04/23/14
  •  | Views: 12,356

Violence between Mexican drug cartels creates a major lime shortage in the U.S. (4:45)

>> Stephen: HEY, WELCOMEBACK, EVERYBODY.

THANKS SO MUCH.

NATION, YOU KNOW, I AM NOTONE USUALLY TO GET WORKED UP

ABOUT DWINDLING RESOURCESBECAUSE I'M ADAPTABLE.

IF WE GET LOW ON SPOTTEDOWLS I'LL START MAKING MY

SANDWICHES WITH SNOWYEGRITS.

I MEAN ONCE THEY'RE BREADEDTHEY ALL TASTE LIKE PANDA.

BUT AMERICA IS NOW FACING ADEVASTATING SHORTAGE OF ONE

VITAL NATURAL RESOURCE.

>> THERE IS A MAJOR LIMESHORTAGE.

>> WE HAVE A LIME SHORTAGEON OUR HANDS.

>> LIME SHORTAGE.

>> LIME SHORTAGE.

>> LIME SHORTAGE.

>> Stephen: LIME SHORTAGE!

THAT MEANS NO MORE MARGARITAS,NO MOJITOS, THANKFULLY OUR

BUD LITE LIME IS SAFEBECAUSE IT IS FLAVORED WITH

GRADE PUG-INS.

EVEN WORSE-- DAMN WE SHOULDHAVE ONE.

EVEN WORSE, WE'LL HAVE TOFIND A NEW SOURCE OF TINY

CAT HELMETS.

APPARENTLY, APPARENTLY THEREIS A BACTERIA DISEASE

KILLING CITRUS TREES CALLEDHUONGLONBING WHICH TO BE

ABSOLUTELY CLEAR IS NOT THENAME OF MY NEW ASIAN

CHARACTER.

NO HASHTAGS.

BUT-- I'M AFRAID THERE IS ANEVEN MORE SINISTER THREAT TO

OUR LIME INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX.

>> IT ALL GOES BACK TO OURNEIGHBORS TO THE SOUTH.

THE MICHOACAN IS MEXICO'STOP LIME PRODUCER.

AND THAT'S WHERE WE GET MOSTOF OUR LIMES FROM.

FOR THE PAST FEW MONTHS.

VIOLENCE BETWEEN DRUGCARTELS IN MICHOACAN HAS

WRECKED HAVOC ON THE LEMONAND LIME INDUSTRY, SOME

CARTELS STEALING A HALFMILLION DOLLARS WORTH OF

LIMES.

>> Stephen: WHAT IS THISWORLD COMING TO WHEN MURDEROUS

MEXICAN DRUG CARTELS AREPEDDLING LIMES.

THAT'S LIKE WHAL WALTER WHITE STOPPING

COOKING METH AND COOKINGGLUTEN FREE BANANA BREAD.

OKAY.

>> Stephen: THE DRUG CARTELSPUT HUMONGOUS TAXES

ON FARMERS OR JUST KILL THEFARMERS AND TAKE OVER LIME

PRODUCTION THEMSELVES.

SO MOVE OVER BLOOD ORANGESTHERE IS A NEW CONFLICT

CITRUS.

AND THAT'S NOT THE ONLYVICTIM OF THIS LIME CRIME.

>> THE ORANGE COUNTYREGISTER IS REPORTING A CASE

OF LIMES IS SELLING FOR$105.

THAT'S UP FROM JUST $20 AFEW WEEKS AGO.

>> LAST YEAR A LIME WAS LESSTHAN A QUARTER.

NOW WILL YOU PAY ABOUT 53CENTS.

>> Stephen: 53 CENTS FOR ALIME?

NOW YOU'RE TALKING TANGELOMONEY.

(LAUGHTER)SO IN RESPONSE TO THE

ECONOMIC HAVOC CAUSED BY THECARTEL SOME PEOPLE ARE DOING

THE UNTHINKABLE.

>> IN SOME CASES RESTAURANTSARE ALREADY CHOOSING TO MAKE

MIXED DRINKS AND EVENGUACAMOLE WITH LEMONS

INSTEAD OF LIME.

>> Stephen: LEMONS IN MYGUAC?

I'M SORRY, BUT I WOULDRATHER HAVE MY HEAD CHOPPED

OFF AND STUFFED IN A DUFFELBAG.

FOLKS, THIS CRISIS HITS HOMEFOR ME BECAUSE WE ARE COMING

UP ON GIN AND TONICSEASON.

I CANNOT EVEN THINK ABOUTHAVING A G AND T WITHOUT

LIME, LOOK AT THAT PUTTINGTHAT PICTURE UP MAKES MY

HANDSHAKE.

AND I, I WOULD LIKE TOBELIEVE THAT'S BECAUSE OF

LIME WITHDRAWAL.

FOLKS, IN MY DESPERATION, IHAVE HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO

RESORT TO BLACK MARKET CITRUS, JAY

THE INTERN COME ON OUT HERE.

JAY THE INTERN, EVERYBODY.

(APPLAUSE)>> HEY, STEPHEN.

>> Stephen: NO NAMES, JAY.

>> YOU JUST CALLED ME JAY.

>> Stephen: NO, YOUR CODENAME IS NOW THE LETTER J.

>> GOT IT.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

SO YOU'RE JUST BACK FROMMEXICO.

HAVE YOU GOT THE PRODUCT.

>> YES, BUT I COULD ONLY FITTWO.

>> Stephen: TWO?

WHAT KIND OF LIME MULE AREYOU?

OKAY, FINE.

HAND THEM OVER.

>> THEY HAVEN'T YET ARRIVED.

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE

HOLDUP, J?

>> SORRY, THERE'S A BACKLOGAT THE PORT.

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: OKAY, FINE, THEN

TAKE THIS CROSSWORD PUZZLEAND DON'T COME OUT UNTIL

HAPPY HOUR.

OH, OH, OH, OH, AND J, IN ARELATED STORY, THERE'S A

LOOMING GRAPEFRUIT SHORTAGE.

J, THE INTERN, EVERYBODY,WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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