Jesus Is a Liberal Democrat

  • Aired:  12/16/10
  •  | Views: 554,701

Jesus was always flapping his gums about the poor, but not once did he call for tax cuts for the wealthiest two percent of Romans. (4:15)

( LAUGHTER )

FOLKS, IT JUST SEEMS TO ME THAT

THE DEMOCRATS DON'T GET

CHRISTMAS.

ANOTHER EXAMPLE, CONGRESSMAN JIM

McDERMOTT USED THE BIBBY JESUS

TO PUSH HIS PRO-POOR PEOPLE

AGENDA.

JIM.

>> THIS IS CHRISTMASTIME.

WE TALK ABOUT GOOD SAMARITANS.

WE TALK ABOUT THE POOR AND THE

LITTLE BABY JESUS IN THE CRADLE

AND ALL THIS STUFF, AND THEN WE

SAY TO THE UNEMPLOYED, WE WON'T

GIVE YOU A CHECK TO FEED YOUR

FAMILY.

THAT'S SIMPLY WRONG.

>> Stephen: OF COURSE IT'S

WRONG.

WE SHOULDN'T BE TALKING TO THEM

AT ALL.

( LAUGHTER )

THEY'VE GOT UNEMPLOYMENT COOTIE,

AND I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE UPSET

BY McDERMOTT'S FLAGRANT

INJECTION OF CHARITY INTO THE

CHRISTMAS SEASON.

SO IS PAPA BEAR BILL O'REEL EYE.

HE WROTE, "EVERY FAIR-MINDED

PERSON SHOULD SUPPORT GOVERNMENT

SAFETY NETS FOR PEOPLE WHO NEED

ASSISTANCE THROUGH NO FAULT OF

THEIR OWN, BUT GUYS LIKE

McDERMOTT DON'T MAKE A

DISTINCTION.

FOR THEM BABY JESUS WANTS US TO

PROVIDE WHATEVER THE

CIRCUMSTANCE.

BEING A CHRISTIAN, I KNOW WHILE

JESUS PROVIDED CHARITY AT THE

HIGHEST LEVEL, HE WAS NOT

SELF-DESTRUCTIVE."

GOOD POINT, BILL, JESUS SAID WE

ONLY HAVE TO LOVE THOSE WHO

DESERVE IT.

AND WHAT I LIKE BEST ABOUT

BILL'S ARGUMENT IS ITS COMPLETE

FACTUAL INACCURACY.

( LAUGHTER )

BECAUSE IT WOULD BE INCONVENIENT

TO GUYS LIKE US TO REPEAT WHAT

JESUS ACTUALLY SAID.

FOR INSTANCE, IF SOMEONE WANTS

YOUR COAT, GIVE THEM YOUR CLOAK,

AS WELL.

RICH PEOPLE SHOULD SELL ALL

THEIR POSSESSIONS AND GIVE THE

MONEY TO THE POOR.

PLUS THE FACT IS JESUS WAS WAY

BEYOND SELF-DESTRUCTIVE.

HE WAS SELF-SACRIFICIAL.

THE GUY IS GOD.

HE COULD HAVE FLOATED OFF THIS

CROSS LIKE CRISS ANGEL MIND

MINDFREAK.

AND I LOVE HOW BILL CLOSES WITH

"THE LORD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP

THEMSELVES," KIND OF IMPLYING

THAT JESUS SAID THAT, WHEN IT

WAS ACTUALLY BEN FRANKLIN, WHO I

BELIEVED BELCHED OUT THAT

PROVERB BETWEEN MOUTHFULS OF

FRENCH WHORE.

BUT AS MUCH AS I'M A FAN OF

BILL'S WILLFULLY IGNORANT,

BORDER LINE HERETICAL

SELF-JUSTIFICATION, I GOT TO TIP

MY HAT TO BERNIE GOLDBERG, WHO

CAME ON "THE FACTOR" TO CALL

JESUS LIKE HE SEES-ES.

JIM.

>> AS A MATTER OF FACT, JESUS

WOULD PROBABLY BE EXCEPT FOR ONE

WERE TO ISSUES A LIBERAL

DEMOCRAT IF HE WERE AROUND

TODAY.

>> Stephen: YES, JESUS WAS A

LIBERAL DEMOCRAT.

IT'S RIGHT THERE IN HIS NAME,

JESUS THE MENT CHRIST.

THAT "H" CLEARLY STANDS FOR

HUSSEIN.

PLUS JESUS IS ALWAYS FLAPPING

HIS GUMS ABOUT THE POOR, BUT NOT

ONCE DID HE CALL FOR TAX CUTS

FOR THE WEALTHIEST 2% OF ROMANS,

EVEN THOUGH THEY CREATE ALL THE

GOOD SLAVE JOBS.

AND DON'T FORGET, JESUS HUNG OUT

WITH TAX COLLECTORS AND

PROSTITUTES.

AND NO GOOD CONSERVATIVE WOULD

BE CAUGHT DEAD WITH TAX

COLLECTORS.

WHAT FRIGHTENS ME...

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

WHAT FRIGHTENS ME REALLY, WHAT

REALLY FRIGHTENS ME ABOUT THIS

IS NOW WE KNOW WE GOT A LIBERAL

JESUS SEATED AT THE RIGHT HAND

OF THE FATHER.

HE'S BASICALLY YAHWEH'S JOE

BIDEN.

ANYTHING HAPPENS TO THE BIG GUY,

WE CAN END UP WITH A SOCIAL

DEITY REDISTRIBUTING MY LOAVES

AND FISHES.

IT HURTS ME TO SAY THIS, FOLKS,

BUT IF JESUS REALLY IS A

LIBERAL, IT'S TIME TO GET THE

CHRIST OUT OF CHRISTMAS.

NOW LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN, YOU

KNOW ME.

YOU KNOW ME.

I'M NO FAN OF THE TERM X-MASS OR

X-ANYTHING.

I MAKE MY KIDS PLAY CHRIST-BOX

360.

AND IF THEY BREAK A BONE, THEY

GET CHRIST-RAYS.

BUT IT IS TIME THE TAKE BABY

JESUS OUT OF THE MANGER.

REPLACE HIM WITH SOMETHING

EASIER TO SWALLOW.

HOW ABA HONEY BAKED HAM?

BECAUSE IF THIS IS GOING TO BE A

CHRISTIAN NATION THAT DOESN'T

HELP TO POOR, WE HAVE TO PRETEND

THAT JESUS WAS JUST AS SELFISH

AS WE ARE, OR WE HAVE TO

ACKNOWLEDGE THAT HE COMMANDED

FORCE LOVE THE POOR AND SERVE

THE NEEDY WITHOUT CONDITION, AND

THEN ADMIT THAT WE JUST DON'T

WANT TO DO IT.

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