Tip/Wag - Beelzebub & NASA

  • Aired:  07/31/14
  •  | Views: 18,636

A Polish priest claims to be receiving text messages from Satan, and NASA's space rover sets a record on Mars. (3:33)

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,EVERYBODY.

NATION, NATION, I HAVE SAIDIT BEFORE, YOU KNOW IT-- FOLKS,

OPINIONS ARE LIKE A-HOLES,IN THAT MINE IS THE BEST.

THIS IS TIP OF THE HAT, WAGOF THE FINGER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)FIRST UP, FOLKS, SOME SCARY

NEWS OUT OF POLAND WHERE APRIEST CLAIMS TO BE

RECEIVING TEXT MESSAGES FROMTHE DEVIL AFTER PERFORMING

AN EXORCISM ON A POLISH GIRLCAUSING SATAN TO POSSESS HER

MOBILE PHONE.

I GOT TO SAY SATAN USINGCELL PHONES DOES MAKE SENSE,

THOUGH SATAN'S CONTRACTS ARESLIGHTLY EASIER TO GET OUT

OF.

I THINK WE'VE ALL WOKEN UPAFTER A NIGHT OF DRINKING

AND FOUND OUR PHONE SENTSOME TEXTS THAT COULD ONLY

BE THE WORK OF THE PRINCE OFDARKNESS.

AND I HAVE NO IDEA HOW HEGOT PHOTOS OF MY GROIN,

CHARLENE.

SO I GOT TO GIVE A RELUCTANTWAG OF MY FINGER TO

BEELZEBUB FOR PHONING THISONE IN, COME ON YOU ARE THE

PRINCE OF LIE, THEINCARNATIONS OF ALL EVIL, THE

SULTAN OF SWAT.

AND THIS IS THE BEST YOU CANDO?

I KNOW SLOTH IS A DEADLY SINBUT POSSESSING A CELL PHONE

IS JUST DAMN LAZY.

IS POSSESSING SOMEONEFACE-TO-FACE JUST TOO MUCH

EFFORT FOR TODAY'SMILLENNIAL DEMONS?

WHATEVER HAPPENED IT TO ALITTLE HUMAN DEVIL CONTACT.

IN MY DAY THIS IS WHATPOSSESSION WAS.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO,SEND AN EMOJI FOR

PROJECTILE VOMIT?

AND THEN TEXT ROFTMHO FORROLLING ON THE FLOOR

TWISTING MY HEAD OFF?

BUT FOR ANYONE OUT THERE WHOSUSPECTS THEIR SMART PHONE

MIGHT BE IN NEED OF TEXT-ORCISM,DO NOT TAKE IT TO THE GENIUS

BAR.

YOU WILL BE THERE FOR ANETERNITY.

(LAUGHTER)STAY TUNED FOR MORE OF THE

TIP WAG POWER HOUR COMING UPRIGHT AFTER THIS SENTENCE.

NEXT UP ON TIP WAG EVERYONEKNOWS NASA HAS SEEN BETTER

DAYS.

THE BUDGETS WERE BIGGER, THEGOALS WERE HIGHER, EVERYONE

LOOKED LIKE ED HARRIS.

NOW OUR SPACE PROGRAM ISGUTTED.

BUT LIKE THE CREW OF APOLLO13 I HAVE NEVER LOST HOPE

AND I STORE MY URINE INBAGS.

WELL, OVER THE WEEKEND,FOLKS, AMERICA FINALLY GOT

SOME GOOD NASA NEWS.

>> NASA'S SPACE ROVER ONMARS MAKING SOME NEWS OF ITS

OWN ON SUNDAY DRIVING 25MILES, SETTING A NEW RECORD

FOR THE LONGEST OFF-EARTHDRIVING DISTANCE SINCE IT

ARRIVED IN MARS IN 2004.

>> Stephen: WHICH IS WHY I'MGIVING A TIP OF THE HAT TO

NASA FOR THEIR FEAT OF OFFPLANET ROAD OFF-ROADING.

THAT'S QUITE AN ACHIEVEMENT,FOLKS.

BECAUSE AS THE ROVER'SPROJECT MANAGER SAID,

OPPORTUNITY WAS ONLYINTENDED TO DRIVE ABOUT ONE

KILOMETER.

SO BASICALLY ABOUT AS MUCHAS A CHEVY COBALT.

BUT WHAT REALLY HAS MEEXCITED ABOUT THIS NEW

RECORD IS THE RECORD ITBROKE WHICH HAD BEEN HELD BY

THE SOVIET UNION'S REMOTECONTROLLED LUNOKHOD 2 ROVER

WHICH COVERED 24.2 MILES ONTHE MOON BACK IN 1973.

WHICH EXPLAINS WHYOPPORTUNITY USED ITS 25

MILES OF TIRE TRACKS TOSPELL OUT SUCK IT, VLAD!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT

BACK.

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