Philippines Relief From the Colbert Nation

  • Aired:  11/18/13
  •  | Views: 25,968

The Colbert Nation out-donates China for Philippines disaster relief, leading Stephen to make a series of demands. (2:50)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN").

>> Stephen: NOT BAD, NOT BAD!

WELCOME TO THE "REPORT,"EVERYBODY, GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH

US.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, LADIES ANDGENTLEMEN.

FOLKS, TONIGHT -- FOLKS, THANKYOU.

I -- I THANK YOU.

I THANK YOU FOR YOUR HONORING OFME TONIGHT BUT, FOLKS, I'VE GOT

TO TELL YOU -- PLEASE, SIT DOWN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AS MUCH --

FOLKS, AS MUCH AS I LOVE YOUPRAISING ME, TONIGHT I HAVE TO

START WITH A PRAISE FOR YOU, THECOLBERT NATION.

BECAUSE LAST WEEK, FOLKS, ICALLED OUT CHINA FOR DONATING A

MEASLY $100,000 IN CASH TOTYPHOON VICTIMS IN THE

PHILIPPINES.

EVIDENTLY CHINA CAN'T RELATE TOSTORM DAMAGE BECAUSE THEIR AIR

IS TOO THICK TO ACTUALLY MOVE.

(LAUGHTER)FOLKS, I WAS SO UPSET THAT I

CALLED ON YOU, THE NATION, TOOUTDO CHINA BY TEXTING "COLBERT"

TO 50555 TO DONATE $10 TO CONVOYOF HOPE, PHILIPPINES RELIEF

EFFORT.

AND THOUSANDS OF TEXTS POUREDIN-- AS DID ONE OR TWO SEX -TS.

(LAUGHTER)INAPPROPRIATE BUT APPRECIATED.

AND SINCE THURSDAY AT MIDNIGHT,YOU HAVE RAISED-- BRACE

YOURSELVES-- A QUARTER OF AMILLION DOLLARS!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THAT IS -- HOLD ON.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THAT'S MORE THAN $100,000.

(LAUGHTER)FOLKS, YOU DID IT.

EAT IT, CHINA.

EAT IT WITH CHOPSTICKS!

(LAUGHTER)FOLKS, I SAY CHINA IS OUT AND

THE COLBERT NATION NOW GETS YOURSLOT AS WORLD SUPERPOWER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)SO TONIGHT I AM NOT ONLY LEADER

OF THE COLBERT NATION BUT ALSOTHE CHAIRMAN.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)AND, FOLKS, THESE ARE MY

DEMANDS.

ONE: I WANT A SEAT AT THE U.N.

SECURITY COUNCIL.

IN FACT, MAKE IT A RECLINE WEARE CUB HOLDERS SO I CAN WATCH

MY STORIES WHILE SOME JAGOFFFROM URUGUAY KEEPS YAKKING.

NEXT, I DEMAND CHINA'SMOST-FAVORED NATION'S TRADING

STATUS.

THAT WILL HELP THE BOTTOM LINEONCE I FORCE MY AUDIENCE TO MAKE

IPADS.

(LAUGHTER)LASTLY, I DEMAND THE

INTERNATIONAL COMMUNITY RESPECTMY RIGHT TO CONTINUE DEVELOPING

THE COLBERT NATION'S NUCLEARPROGRAM.

(LAUGHTER)IT IS FOR ENERGY!

EVEN THOUGH I HAVE PLEDGED TOWIPE VERMONT OFF THE MAP.

WE WILL DRIVE YOU INTO

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