Breaking News on College Sex

  • Aired:  07/18/13
  •  | Views: 25,461

The New York Times nails the shocking evidence of college sex in 2013, 2012, 2010, 2008, 1997, 1988, 1976, 1972, 1968, 1967, 1963 and 1940. (5:43)

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

FOLKS.

THANKS SO MUCH, FOLKS.

IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW YOU

KNOW THAT AS A PROTECTOR OF

OUR NATIONAL MORAL VIRTUE, I

HAVE LONG BEMOANED THE

OVERSEXUALIZATION OF OUR

CULTURE.

AND THEN I BEMOANED MY

BEMOANING, BECAUSE SOME OF

IT SOUNDED PRETTY SEXY.

WELL FOR ONCE, FOLKSING I'M

NOT THE ONLY ELDERLY PERSON

YELLING AT THE YOUNGSTERS TO

GET OFF MY LOIN.

(LAUGHTER)

BECAUSE I HAVE GOT THE OLD

GRAY LADY ON MY SIDE.

YOU SEE, OVER THE WEEKEND

"THE NEW YORK TIMES"

PUBLISHED AN ARTICLE TITLED

SEX ON CAMPUS, SHE CAN PLAY

THAT GAME TOO.

TEARING ITS LID OFF THE

BREAKING NEWS STORY THAT

WOMEN IN COLLEGE, BRACE

YOURSELVES, ENJOY THE SEX.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW I'LL GIVE YOU-- I WILL

GIVE YOU A MOMENT WHILE YOUR

MINDS AND ONLY YOUR MINDS

ARE BLOWN.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW AS THE ARTICLE NOTES,

FOLKS, AS THE ARTICLE NOTES

TRADITIONAL DATING IN

COLLEGE HAS MOSTLY GONE THE

WAY OF THE LAND LINE

REPLACED BY HOOKING UP.

AND THERE'S AN INCREASING

REALIZATION THAT YOUNG WOMEN

ARE PROPELLING IT.

NOW FOR THOSE NOT HIP TO THE

SCENE, THE PHRASE "HOOKING

UP" IS TEEN TALK FOR ANY SEX

YOUNGER PEOPLE ARE HAVING.

EVIDENTLY, USING PROPELLERS.

NOW NATION THIS IS TRULY

SHOCKING.

THERE HAS NOT BEEN AN EXPOSE

LIKE THIS SINCE THE FRONT

LINE DOCUMENTARY SERIES ON

HOW WILD ARE GIRLS HAVE

GONE.

BEFORE THIS "NEW YORK TIMES"

EXCLUSIVE STORY, I THOUGHT

ONLY GUYS HAD SEX IN

COLLEGE.

I MEAN--

(LAUGHTER)

ISN'T THAT WHAT FRATS ARE

FOR?

I MEAN GO CAPA ALPHA.

I HAVE TO SAY, I HAVE TO SAY

I'M NOT SURPRISED THAT "NEW

YORK TIMES" NAILED THIS

TREND.

I WOULD EXPECT NOTHING LESS

FROM THE PAPER THAT ALSO

NAILED THE SHOCKING EVIDENCE

OF COLLEGE SEX IN 2012, 2010,

2008, 1997, 1988, 1976, 1972,

1968, 1967, 1963.

AND IN 1940 WHEN

AN-- CLUCKED ABOUT THE SEX

RELATIONS BETWEEN THE

STUDENTS AND COEDUCATIONAL

COLLEGES.

YES.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: YES, YES, THE

SEX RELATIONS.

(APPLAUSE)

THE SEX RELATIONS, AS

DISTURBING TODAY AS IT WAS

THEN, BECAUSE THOSE PEOPLE

ARE NOW YOUR GRANDPARENTS.

(LAUGHTER)

AND WHO, WHO AMONG US CAN

FORGET 1904 WHEN ACTUAL

TIMES WRITER HENRY MITCHELL

McCROCKEN, BROTHER OF PHIL

McKRAKEN, I BELIEVE, WROTE A

SCATHING EXPOSE ON RISK

SURROUNDING COLLEGE MEN IN

BIG CITIES, NAMELY THE

LOWEST GRADE OF IMPULSES

FROM THE SEXUAL PRO PENSION.

OH, OH MY GOODNESS.

OH GOODNESS ME.

(APPLAUSE)

GOODNESS, MY BILLUOUS HUMORS

HAVEN'T BEEN SO BASELY

AROUSED SINCE I GLIMPSE THAT

DEGUERO TYPE OF A-- QUICK,

QUESTION, A FINK TURE OF

MERCURY WILL REHABILITATE MY

CONSTITUTION.

YOU SEE, YOU SEE, FOLKS,

BACK-- LATER WE'RE DOING THE

MACADO.

YOU SEE, NATION N 1904 NO

ONE HAD DEARED PLUMB THE

DEPTHS OF A YOUNG MAN'S AM

OROUS PROCLIVITIES MAINLY

BECAUSE "THE NEW YORK TIMES"

WANT FOUNDED UNTIL 1851 AND

SEX WASN'T INVENTED UNTIL

1893.

WELL, FOLKS, TONIGHT I HAVE

A SPECIAL TREAT FOR YOU.

PLEASE WELCOME THE MAN WHO

IS STILL EVIDENTLY "THE NEW

YORK TIMES" TIMES TRENDS

EDITOR HENRY MITCHELL

McKRAKEN.

MR. McCRAKEN, PLEASE.

SIT DOWN, THANK YOU.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: NOW HENRY, HENRY,

THANK YOU FOR COMING.

WHAT AN HONOR.

EVIDENTLY "THE NEW YORK

TIMES" HAS PUBLISHED

ESSENTIALLY THE SAME ARTICLE

EVERY FEW YEARS OVER THE

LAST CENTURY.

CLEARLY A COMPLEX ISSUE,

BOIL IT DOWN FOR US.

>> THEY'RE DOING IT!

(APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: YEAH, OKAY, I --

>> GIRLS TOO!

>> Stephen: I GOT THAT PART.

>> AND THEY LIKE IT!

>> Stephen: SO I GATHERED,

YEAH.

>> RUBBING THEIR BATHING

SUIT AREAS.

>> Stephen: OKAY, I'VE NEVER

HEARD IT CALL THAT.

>> KISSY CANOE AND DOING IT

TOO.

>> Stephen: UH-HUH.

>> TAKING A RIDE ON THE BONE

ZEPPELIN.

>> Stephen: ANYTHING ELSE?

>> PLAYING THE OLD HOOP AND

STICK.

GET AN OLD, A TUCK IN THE

BATHTUB

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: WELL, HENRY,

WELL, HENRY, I THINK THAT

ABOUT COVERS IT.

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU

THINK THE PUBLIC SHOULD

KNOW.

>> I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO GO

BACK TO COLLEGE.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

COULD YOU WRITE ME A

RECOMMENDATION?

>> Stephen: WITH PLEASURE,

HENRY.

HENRY MITCHELL McKRAKEN,

EVERYBODY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> I'M GOING TO GET SOME

TAIL.

>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT

BACK.

>> THANK YOU,

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