Tip/Wag - Gay Bar Bachelorette Bans & Mitt Romney's iPhone App

  • Aired:  05/30/12
  •  | Views: 20,819

Discriminating gays victimize America's horny, shrieking bachelorettes; while Mitt Romney's innovative iPhone app doubles his presidential odds. (7:37)

NATION, YOU KNOW ME.

I DON'T JUST GIVE YOU MY TWO CENTS.

I THROW DOWN A $20 BILL AND TELL YOU TO BUY A SHIRT THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU LOOK FAT.

THIS IS TIP OF THE HAT, WAG OF THE FINGER ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FIRST UP, FOLKS, IT'S ALMOST

JUNE, AND THAT MEANS WEDDING SEASON!

( CHEERS ) IF YOU LISTEN CLOSELY, YOU CAN

ALMOST HEAR BRIDESMAIDS DRESS DESIGNERS SPOOLING OUT THEIR CRINKLIEST TAFFETA.

YOU LOOK GREAT, LADIES.

YOU'RE TOTALLY GOING TO WEAR THAT AGAIN.

( LAUGHTER ).

BUT AT THE SAME TIME, THE GAYS ARE SPOOLG OUT THEIR LUGLIEST ATTACKS ON TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE.

>> SORRY, LADIES, TIME TO PACK UP YOUR COSTUMES, YOUR CRAZY HATS AND YOUR COCKTAILS AND TAKE

THAT BACHELORETTE MONKEY BUSINESS TO ANOTHER BAR.

THAT IS THE MESSAGE COMING LOUD AND CLEAR FROM THE OWNER OF THE ABBEY'S GAY BAR IN WEST HOLLYWOOD.

THE OWNER HAS NOW PUT A BAN ON BACHELORETTE PARTIES.

THE REASON?

HE SAYS IT'S NOT FAIR FOR PEOPLE TO COME IN CELEBRATING GETTING

MARRIED IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE WHO CAN'T.

>> IT WAS HURT FULL TO ME BEING GAY, AS WELL AS MY CLIENTELE,

THAT WE COULD NOT HAVE THAT SAME TYPE OF CELEBRATION.

>> Stephen: YOU DON'T NEED THAT TYPE OF CELEBRATION.

BEING GAY IS THAT TYPE OF CELEBRATION.

( LAUGHTER ) AND BROOK BALDWIN, IN MY OPINION, THE MOST ATTRACTIST OF THE BALDWIN BROTHERS, KNOWS,

THIS IS NOT ABOUT WATCH LORETS HAVING PARTIES.

SHE KNOWS WHAT THIS REALLY IS.

>> IF YOU'RE BANNING THE HETEROSEXUAL, YOU KNOW, PASTIME OF BACHELORETTE PARTIES FROM

HAPPENING IN YOUR CLUB IN WEST HOLLYWOOD, I MEAN, ON A LEVEL,

IT IS DISCRIMINATION.

>> Stephen: DISCRIMINATION.

DAMN STRAIGHT, PUN INTENDED.

( LAUGHTER ).

SO, WAG OF MY FINGER AT DISCRIMINATING GAYS WHO ARE VICTIMIZING AMERICA'S DRUNKEN,

HORNY, SHRIEKING BACHELORETTES.

AND, FOLKS, UNLIKE BEING GAY,

BACHELORETTE PARTYYING IS NOT A CHOICE.

EVEN IF YOU DON'T WANT TO GO,

YOU HAVE TO GO.

I MEAN-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU DO.

YOU KIND OF HAVE TO GO.

BECAUSE YOU KNOW JANET'S BEEN PLANNING IT FOR MONTHS AND IF

YOU DON'T GO SHE'S GOING TO TURN IT INTO A WHOLE THING.

BY THE WAY, SHE SAYS YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO TAKE IN $75.

AND, SURE, GAYS SAY IT'S INSENSITIVE TO THEIR LACK OF RIGHTS, TO WHICH I SAY YEAH.

THAT'S THE POINT.

THE MOST SACRED PART OF GETTING SMAERD TAUNTING GAY PEOPLE THAT THEY CAN'T.

( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S WHY BACHELORETTE PARTIES SHOULD GO TO GAY BARS.

EVERYONE UPONS YOU CAN ONLY APPRECIATE WHAT YOU HAVE BY SEEING OTHER PEOPLE WHO CAN'T HAVE IT.

( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S WHY I HAD MY WEDDING BANQUET IN A SOUP KITCHEN.

( LAUGHTER ) THOSE PEOPLE ACROSS THE ROOM EATING THE THIN GRUEL JUST MADE

MY ROSEMARY CHICKEN THAT MUCH MORE DELICIOUS.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) NEXT UP, FOLKS, MITT ROMNEY WON THE TEXAS REPUBLICAN PRIMARY

LAST NIGHT, CROSSING THE CRUCIAL 1,144 DELEGATE THRESHOLD.

YES, WHAT A STORY!

HE CAME FROM NEVER BEING BEHIND TO CLINCH THE REPUBLICAN NOMINATION.

THEY SAID IT COULD BE DONE.

AND AGAINST NO ODDS, HE ACHIEVED THE POSSIBLE.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) AND TODAY-- IT'S GOING TO BE AN EXCITING ELECTION.

AND TODAY, MITT TURNED HIS ATTENTION TO THE GENERAL ELECTION BY UNVEILING AN

INNOVATIVE iPHONE APP CALLED "WITH MITT." IT INVITES USERS TO SEND

PHOTOGRAPHS OF THEMSELVES ACROSS THE INTERNET WITH ONE OF 14

PRO-MITT SLOGANS, SUCH AS, "I'M WITH MITT." OR "I STAND WITH MITT."

OR "WE'RE WITH MITT." IT'S THE MOST POPULAR POLITICAL

APP SINCE THE RELEASE OF ANGRY PAULS.

AND, FOLKS, IT'S A GREAT APP,

NOT JUST FOR MITT SUPPORTERS BUT FOR ALL YOUR PRECIOUS PHOTO MOMENTS LIKE WEDDINGS.

BABY'S FIRST STEPS.

AND FRIENDS PASSING OUT AT A FRAT PARTY.

BUT ALL THAT IS NOT WHY MITT'S iPHONE APP GETS MY NEXT TICHT HAT.

>> IT'S A FEET WHERE YOU ARE YOU CAN USE YOUR iPHONE TO TAKE A

PICTURE AND OVERLAY A BETTER AMERICA "I'M WITH MITT" ACROSS THE PICTURE.

HERE'S THE TRANSPARENCY.

I THINK YOU MAY BE ABLE TO SEE THE PROBLEM HERE.

IT SAYS, "IMERTIA.

>> Stephen: PROBLEM?

THAT'S NOT A PROBLEM.

THAT'S A BRILLIANT STRATEGY.

NOW ROMNEY CAN BECOME THE PRESIDENT OF THE AMERICA OR IMERTIA.

HE'S JUST DOUBLED THE ODDS.

PLUS, THE NEXT TIME CHINA COMES AROUND TO COLLECT OUR DEBT, WE CAN SUFT SAY, SORE, AMERICA

MOVED OUT MONTHS AGO.

THIS IS IMMESHIA.

NO FORWARDING ADDRESS.

( APPLAUSE ).

AND YOU KNOW IT'S GOING TO PLEASE TRUMP AND HIS BIRTHER PALS BECAUSE WE CAN DEBATE

WHETHER OBAMA WAS BORN IN AMERICA, BUT THERE IS NO PROOF HE WAS BORN IN EMERICKIA.

I HEARD HE WAS BORN IN KANYE.

NOW, FOLKS WE PLUFT NOT LET THE SYNTAX AND SPEND LIBERALS STAND IN THE WAY OF A BETTER,

BRIGHTER, EMERCIA, SO LET'S JOIN MITT AND ALL OUR FELLOW EMERCIANS, PLEASE REMAIN SEATED,

REMOVE YOUR SHOE, AND PLACE YOUR HAND OVER YOUR APPENDIX.

♪ BEAUTIFUL FOR SPAKA SKIES FOR AMBER WEAVES OF GERNS ♪ FOR PRIEWPLE MOODENS

MAGISTRIES ♪ EMERCIA, EMERCIA,

MAT CROWN THY HOOD WITH FATHER GOOD ♪ ♪ ROMNEY TWEN 02.

S.A.U.!

IS.

U.A.!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK OF WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.