White House State Dinner

  • Aired:  02/12/14
  •  | Views: 136,428

Stephen attends the White House State Dinner and receives an unexpected honor in the process. (6:01)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE"REPORT," GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH

US, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN").

THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)FOLKS -- THANK YOU, NATION,

THANK YOU, IN HERE, OUT THERE,YOU KNOW, FOLKS, ON NIGHTS LIKE

THIS I NEED THAT KIND OFADULATION BECAUSE AS YOU KNOW

THOUGH I AM THE LEADER OF THECOLBERT NATION, I AM BUT A

PASSENGER ON THE OCEAN LINEROF YOUR COURAGE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)NATION, I NEED YOUR COURAGE

TONIGHT BECAUSE I AM BOILINGWITH RAGE.

(LAUGHTER)TODAY PRESIDENT O'HANDOUT SIGNED

AN EXECUTIVE ORDER RAISING THEMINIMUM WAGE FOR GOVERNMENT

EMPLOYEES TO $10.10 AN HOUR!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)YEAH, YEAH.

I'M MAD, TOO.

(LAUGHTER)WHAT AN OUTRAGEOUS WASTE OF MY

TAX DOLLARS AND, FOR THE RECORD,THE ONLY THING I LIKE ABOUT

GOING TO THE D.M.V. IS KNOWINGTHAT THE WORKERS ARE AS

MISERABLE AS I LOOK IN MYDRIVER'S LICENSE PHOTO.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)FOLKS --

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)FOLKS, THIS IS JUST MORE PROOF

THAT THE PRESIDENT IS AWONDERFUL HOST AT -- I'M SORRY,

IS A POWER MAD TYRANT.

(LAUGHTER)AND IT IS TIME WE SENT HIM A

THANK YOU NOTE FOR A LOVELYEVENING -- NO!

I MEAN --(LAUGHTER).

I MEAN WE SENT HIM A POWERFULMESSAGE AT THE BALLOT BOX IN

NOVEMBER --(LAUGHTER).

I'M SORRY, FOLKS, I'M JUST NOTMYSELF TONIGHT.

JIM, TELL THEM WHY.

>> THE FIRST STATE DINNER OFPRESIDENT OBAMA'S SECOND TERM

FULL OF A-LIST CELEBRITIES.

>> ACTOR BRADLEY COOPER AND HISSUPERMODEL GIRLFRIEND.

MARY J. BLIGE, THE FIRST OPENLYGAY N.B.A. PLAYER JASON COLLINS

AND STEPHEN COLBERT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).

>> Stephen: I WAS AT THE WHITEHOUSE STATE DINNER!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)FOLKS, I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU, IT

WAS A MAGICAL EVENING, OKAY?

HERE'S -- I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU.

HERE'S THE CARD THAT TELLS YOUWHAT TABLE YOU'RE AT.

THERE'S THE WHITE HOUSE SEALRIGHT THERE.

STAY ON THIS.

AND THEN TABLE 19, OKAY, WHICHWAS A GOOD ONE, ALL RIGHT?

(LAUGHTER)HERE'S THE LITTLE MENU RIGHT

THERE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)AND THEN SEE THAT?

SEE THAT?

THAT'S A SOLID GOLD TASSEL.

(LAUGHTER)YOU CAN MELT DOWN THAT DOWN,

OKAY?

AND ALSO, IF YOU DON'T BELIEVEIT, I ALSO STOLE THE GRAVY BOAT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)FOLKS, THIS WAS THE STATE DINNER

TO BE INVITED TO BECAUSE IT WASIN HONOR OF FRENCH PRESIDENT AND

THOUGHTFUL CROISSANT FRANCOISHOLLANDE.

WHEN LAST WE DISHED ON FRANCOIS'PRIVATE LIFE LA MERDE WAS

HITTING LE FAN BECAUSE HE HADBEEN CAUGHT STEPPING OUT ON

FRANCE'S FIRST LADY, VALERIETRIERWEILER WHO HE'S NOT MARRIED

TO WHO'S A SECOND LADY ACTRESSJULIE GAYET.

SO THERE WAS ONE BIG QUESTIONHANGING OVER THIS DINNER.

>> WHO IS GOING TO BE BRINGALONG AS FRANCE'S FIRST LADY?

>> WHEN YOU HAVE A FOREIGNGUEST, THE FIRST LADY WOULD BE

SEATED NEXT TO THE SPOUSE.

>> AS OF LATE LAST NIGHT,ORGANIZERS HERE AT THE WHITE

HOUSE HADN'T EVEN DECIDED WHOWOULD GET THAT COVETED SEAT,

TYPICALLY RESERVED FOR THEVISITING LEADER'S SPOUSE.

>> Stephen: SO IT ALL CAMEDOWN TO WHO WOULD BE SEATED NEXT

TO MRS. OBAMA.

WELL, LET'S SEE, THERE'S THEPRESIDENT AND THERE'S FRANCOIS

HOLLANDE AND THERE'S MICHELLEOBAMA AND WHO'S NEXT TO HER?

IT'S ME!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'M THE

FIRST LADY OF FRANCE!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)MERCI!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)OH!

OH!

THANK YOU!

MERCI!

OH!

MERCI, MERCI! C'EST UNE GRANDEHONNEUR!

OH, THOSE FLOWERS WERE THROWNVERY HARD AT MY FACE.

OKAY.

LET ME GET FRENCH HERE.

LET ME GET FRENCH HERE.

(LAUGHTER)I'VE GOT TO SMOKE.

AND I'VE GOT TO GET MY BAGUETTE.

(LAUGHTER)AND, OF COURSE, I'VE GOT TO

SMOKE MY BAGUETTE.

(LAUGHTER)NO, I CAN'T -- I CAN'T GET THIS

THING STARTED.

ANYWAY.

NATION, THIS IS SO MUCHRESPONSIBILITY.

EVERY FIRST LADY HAS HERINITIATIVE.

MICHELLE OBAMA HAS NUTRITION ANDMILITARY FAMILIES.

MINE WILL BE REVIVING THEGUILLOTINE AND FINALLY BRINGING

JEAN VALJEAN TO JUSTICE!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)NO FREE BREAD, YOU CRIMINAL!

BUT, NATION, MY NEW ROLE ASPREMIER DAME LE FRANCE WILL NOT

IMPACT THE REPORT.

THE SHOW WILL NOW BE MADE WITHMORE BUTTER AND MY CLASSIC

SEGMENTS WILL BE RENAMED TROMPERLA MORT, ENUMERATION DES MENACE,

AND COUPE DE CHAPEAU/REMUE DUDOIGT.

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