Supreme Court Hearings on Gay Marriage

  • Aired:  03/28/13
  •  | Views: 65,852

Giving same-sex marriages federal recognition means giving gay couples 1,100 rights previously reserved for straight married couples. (7:59)

["THE COLBERT REPORT" THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[EAGLE CAW]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Stephen: THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

[CROWD CHANTING STEPHEN?

]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELCOME.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELCOME TO THE REPORT, EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING US.

PLEASE, FOLKS, SIT DOWN.

WE HAVE TO GET TO IT.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I UNDERSTAND -- I UNDERSTAND YOUR ENERGY.

I SHARE YOUR CONCERN, AND I JOIN YOU IN YOUR RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION BECAUSE FOLKS WE'RE

AT A CROSS ROADS AS A NATION.

A MOMENT OF CRISIS THAT KEN BURNS WILL ONE DAY DOCUMENT WITH BLACK AND WHITE FOAT YEENS

MOURNFUL FIDDLE MUSIC.

[LAUGHTER]

FOR THE LAST TWO DAYS THE SUPREME COURT HAS HEARD ARGUMENTS OVER WHETHER THE CONSTITUTION MANDATES THAT WE

ALL GET GAY MARRIED.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO WEAR.

[ LAUGHTER ]

OF COURSE, THE PRO-GAY MARRIAGE CROWD RALLIED ON THE SUPREME COURT STEPS AND I PERSONALLY

WANT TO SALUTE THIS GUY FOR WEARING THE HOT PINK DEVIL HORN DRAG.

THAT IS HOW YOU WIN THE HEARTS AND THE MINDS OF AVERAGE AMERICANS.

AFTER ALL IT'S EXACTLY WHAT MARTIN LUTHER KING WORE AT THE MARCH ON WASHINGTON.

I CANNOT BELIEVE HE MADE IT TO THE MOUNTAINTOP IN THOSE HEELS.

WE ALL KNOW THAT THIS IS WHAT GAY RIGHTS IS LEADING TO.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT THE MARRIAGE DESTROYERS KEEP TROTTING HOMOSEXUALS LIKE THE PLAINTIFF IN THE DOMA CASE

ADORABLE 83-YEAR-OLD LESBIAN WIDOW WHO MADE THE CASE WHY HER RELATIONSHIP SHOULD BE CALLED MARRIAGE.

>> IT'S A MAGIC WORD FOR ANYBODY WHO DOESN'T UNDERSTAND WHY WE WANT IT AND WHY WE NEED IT.

OKAY, IT'S MAGIC.

>> Stephen: THEY ARE TUGGING AT YOUR HEARTSTRINGS OR AS LESBIANS CALL IT SCISSORING.

SICK STUFF.

LA LAUGH ON THE PRO-GAY SIDE YOU GOT YOUR KAGAN, BREYER, WISE LATINA AND GINSBURG WHO ACTED

ALL SURPRISE THAT THE DEFENSE OF MARRIAGE ACT MAKES THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT TREAT GAY COUPLES

DIFFERENTLY FROM STRAIGHT COUPLES.

>> YOU ARE SAYING THERE'S TWO KINDS OF MARRIAGES THE FULL MARRIAGE AND SKIM MILK MARRIAGE.

>> Stephen: YES, SKIM MILK MARRIAGE.

I HAVE ALWAYS SUSPECTED THAT SKIM MILK WAS GAY.

FOR GOD SAKE IT HAS HOMOGENIZED ON IT.

FOR PETE'S SAKE SEAN PENN WON AN OSCAR FOR IT.

DON'T CALL ME A BIGOT BECAUSE I'M LACTOSE INTOLERANT.

2% THAT IS STRAIGHT MISSIONARY.

HALF AND HALF, COME ON.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND YOGURT, I THINK WE ALL KNOW WHAT THAT FRUIT IS DOING ON THE BOTTOM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

PLUS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, GIVING HOMOSEXUAL MARRIAGES FEDERAL RECOGNITION MEANS GIVING

THEM BENEFITS MEANT FOR STRAIGHT COUPLES.

>> THINK SOCIAL SECURITY BENEFITS, FEDERAL ESTATE AND INCOME TAXES AS WELL AS MEDICAL

AND FAMILY LEAVE.

SAME-SEX COUPLES WHO ARE LEGALLY MARRIED DO NOT GET THEM SIMPLY BECAUSE THEY ARE GAY.

>> Stephen: NOT SIMPLY BECAUSE THEY ARE GAY.

BECAUSE THEY ARE GAY AND WE WANT TO PUNISH THEM FOR IT.

AND THOSE 1100 RIGHTS ARE WHAT MAKES TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE SPECIAL, THINGS LIKE JOINT TAX FILING.

SPONSORING A SPOUSE'S VISA, LOWERING MINING CLAIM MAINTENANCE FEES AND MOST SACRED

OF ALL THE RIGHT OF A WIDOW TO INHERENT GUANO ISLANDS WHICH ARE UNOCCUPIED ISLANDS COVERED IN

FECES FROM BATS, BEAVERS AND SEALS.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT WE'RE GOING TO GIVE THAT TO GAY PEOPLE NOW?

THAT'S WHAT MARRIAGE IS ABOUT.

IT WAS IN MY VOWS DO YOU, STEPHEN, TAKE THIS WOMAN FOR BETTER AND FOR WORSE IN SICKNESS

AND IN HEALTH UNLESS DEATH DO YOU PART AND LEAVE HER A TURD COVERED ROCK IN THE SEAS.

I SAID, I DO DO.

IF A GAY PERSON WANTS TO INHERT HIS PARTNER'S GUANO ISLAND I SAY THEY ARE (bleep) OUT OF LUCK.

THANK GOD, FOLKS, OPPOSING THE LIBERALS ARE THE CONSERVATIVE FAB FOUR, ROBERTS, THE CUTE ONE,

ALITO, THE SMART ONE, SCALIA, THE LUMPY ONE AND THOMAS THE SCALIA ONE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THESE STALWARTS ARE JOINED BY THE LAWYER DEFENDING TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE CHARLES COOPER WHO COME

UP WITH ONE HUMDINGER OF AN ARGUMENT.

>> THE CONCERN IS THAT REDEFINING MARRIAGE AS A GENDERLESS INSTITUTION WILL

SEVER ITS ABIDING CONNECTION TO ITS HISTORIC TRADITIONAL PROCREATED PURPOSES.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU.

MARRIAGE IS FOR PROCREATION ONLY.

IF YOU LOSE THAT REQUIREMENT IT WILL CONFUSE THE ISSUE AND STRAIGHT COUPLES WILL FORGET WHY

THEY ARE HAVING SEX.

THE SPERM GETS HALF WAY TO THE AGE AND SAY I DON'T FEEL A CONNECTION FOR MARRIAGE'S PURPOSES.

BACK TO THE PEE HOLE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SADLY --

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]

SADLY, THESE DAYS MOST PEOPLE KNOW A GAY OR TWO WHICH CLOUDS OUR ABILITY TO OBJECTIVELY SEE

THEM AS A FROTHING PILE OF SEX CRAZED DEVIANTS.

EVEN CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS HAS A GAY CONNECTION.

>> EXPECTED IN THE AUDIENCE JEAN PADRASKI OF SAN FRANCISCO AND HER PARTNER SHSMS A LESBIAN

COUSIN OF CHIEF JUSTICE JOHN ROBERTS.

SHE SAID I FEEL CONFIDENT THAT SOCIETY IS BECOME MORE ACCEPTING OF HUMANITY OF SAME-SEX COUPLES

AND THE SIM TRUTH WE DESERVE DIGNITY, RESPECT AND EQUALITY UNDER THE LAW.

>> Stephen: THAT IS GOING BE ONE AWKWARD THANKSGIVING.

MAY I HAVE MASHED POTATOES AND SWEET POTATOES ARE ARE THOSE TWO THINGS TOO SIMILAR TO SHARE A

PLATE AND RUIN YOUR THANKSGIVING VALUES.

EVEN THOUGH THEY TASTE GREAT TOGETHER AND ARE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER.

IF ANYONE NEEDS ME, I'LL BE IN THE CAR.

IT'S FOUR FOUR WHICH MEANS THE ENTIRE FUTURE OF MARRIAGE IN THIS COUNTRY RESTS WITH JUSTICE

ANTHONY KENNEDY THE MAN WHO DECLARED IN CITIZENS UNITED THAT CORPORATIONS ARE PEOPLE WITH

CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS.

I PRAY HE DOESN'T DO SOMETHING RASH LIKE

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