Sport Report - Stephen Colbefrajilympic Expealacoverage! - Opening Ceremony

  • Aired:  07/30/12
  •  | Views: 16,380

The 2012 Olympics opening ceremony paves the way for Obamacare with a tribute to Britain's socialist national health care system, and the U.S. cashes out its Olympic gold. (3:09)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

>> Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

PLEASURE TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

WELCOME TO THE REPORT.

YOU GUYS OVER THERE, NATION,

THE LONDON OLYMPICS ARE FINALLY UNDER WAY.

I TELL THREW IS NOTHING LIKE THE THRILL OF SEEING TEAM U.S.A. TRIUMPH IN AN

INTERNETHEAD LINE AND THEN WAITING TO SEE IT CONFIRMED ON NBC SEVEN HOURS LATER.

I MEAN THE SUSPENSE.

DID THE CAMERAS CAPTURE WHAT HAPPENED?

DID MY CABLE GO OUT?

THIS IS THE SP SPORT REPORT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Captioning sponsored by

COMEDY CENTRAL

>> THE SPORT REPORT PRESENTS STEPHEN-- COVERAGE 012.

>> Stephen: FOLKS THERE IS ONE THING I HAVE NEVER UNDERSTOOD ABOUT THE OLYMPICS.

FOR SOME REASON THEY OPEN THE GAMES WITH THE HALFTIME SHOW.

(LAUGHTER) I THINK IT'S METRIC.

I DON'T KNOW.

WELL, AFTER THE CHILLING ONSLAUGHT OF THE BEIJING OPENING CEREMONY, LONDON HAD

A TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOW.

WOULD THE BRITISH PEOPLE BE AS WILLING TO SPEND THEIR LIVES LIVING IN TINY BOXES?

(LAUGHTER) THE DIRECTOR OF THE CEREMONY ACADEMY AWARD WINNER DANNY BOYLE ANSWERED BEIJING'S

MAJESTY WITH HIS SALUTE TO LANDSCAPING.

(LAUGHTER) I DID NOT KNOW THE BRITISH HAD SO MANY MEXICANS.

I TELL YOU T IS TIME TO BUILD A BRIDGE IN THE CHUNNEL.

FOR ONE PART OF THE SHOW REALLY TWISTED MY TEA BAGS.

A SONG AND DANCE NUMBER CELEBRATING THE NHS,

BRITAIN'S SOCIALIST NATIONAL HEALTH SERVICE.

LOOK AT THAT.

THAT KID'S NOT EVEN SIX.

HE'S FAKING IT TO GET FREE HEALTH CARE.

GET READY FOR OBAMACARE,

FOLKS.

INSTEAD OF TAKING YOU TO A HOSPITAL, THEY THROW YOU ON A ROLLING DISCO BED AND CRAM

YOU A THOUSAND AT A TIME INTO A STADIUM WHILE SPECTATORSER.

>> WHEN YOUR COLONOSCOPY GETS THROWN UP ON THE CAM.

IT'S COMING.

DON'T KID YOURSELF.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT'S COMING.

KISS, I CAN!

(LAUGHTER) BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, THAT'S OVER.

THE GAMES ARE ON AND AMERICA IS DOING GREAT.

RIGHT NOW THE UNITED STATES AND CHINA ARE TIED IN TOTAL MEDALS.

NATURALLY THE U.S. TRAILS IN GOLD BECAUSE EVERY TIME WE WIN ONE, WE HAND IT OVER ON