Smokin' Pole - The Quest for Arctic Riches: North Pole Lake

  • Aired:  07/30/13
  •  | Views: 30,023

The melting Arctic icecap is just an isolated incident that's occurred every summer since 2003, so there's no reason to panic. (4:00)

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN,

STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, FOLKS, YOU

KNOW, FOLKS, WHAT YOU JUST DID

THERE...

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

PLEASE, FOLKS.

I'VE GOT TELL YOU, WELCOME TO

THE REPORT.

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.

THAT CHANTING OF MY NAME YOU

JUST DID, I DON'T CARE WHAT

ANYBODY SAYS, THAT'S THE SONG OF

THE SUMMER.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

NATION, FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THIS

SHOW YOU KNOW I ALWAYS BRING YOU

THE HOTTEST DEVELOPMENTS FROM

AROUND THE WORLD.

AND THANKS TO GLOBAL WARMING, IT

DON'T GET NO HOTTER THAN THE

ARCTIC BECAUSE THE NORTH POLE,

OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE TOP OF

OUR PLANET'S ICE-TOUPEE, IS NOW

A LAKE.

WHICH MEANS THE ACTUAL POLE

ITSELF HAS GONE FROM "CHARMING

LANDMARK" TO "THING TO CLIMB FOR

SURVIVAL."

WHICH OF COURSE BRINGS US TO

TONIGHT'S INSTALLMENT OF SMOKIN'

POLE: THE QUEST FOR ARCTIC

RICHES.

FOLKS, AFTER A MONTH OF

TEMPERATURES TWO TO FIVE DEGREES

HIGHER THAN AVERAGE, THE NORTH

POLE HAS GONE FROM THIS TO THIS.

NOW, NO SURPRISE THE ICE MELTED.

THE NORTH POLE IS AT THE TOP OF

THE EARTH SO IT'S CLOSER TO THE

SUN.

THAT'S JUST SCIENCE.

THIS, OF COURSE, IS BAD NEWS FOR

SUPERMAN WHO IS FINALLY OUT OF

EXCUSES FOR WHY HE'S NEVER HAD

AQUAMAN OVER.

"YOU WOULD HATE IT.

IT'S FROZEN."

BUT ON THE PLUS SIDE, NOW WE

KNOW WHY SANTA'S BEEN GIVING US

ALL THAT COAL IN OUR STOCKINGS.

HE WANTED BEACH-FRONT PROPERTY.

AND ANYONE WHO IS IS ALARMED BY

THIS NEW ARCTIC LAKE, YOU SHOULD

JUST RELAX.

IT'S JUST AN ISOLATED INCIDENT

THAT HAS OCCURREDDED EVERY

SUMMER SINCE 2003.

NO REASON TO PANIC.

THE TIME FOR PANICKING WAS 2003.

WAY TOO LATE NOW.

BESIDES, THIS IS NOTHING NEW IN

EARTH'S HISTORY BECAUSE WARM

CLIMATES EXTENDED INTO THE

ARCTIC AS RECENTLY AS THE EOCENE

EPOCH, 56 TO 4 MILLION YEARS

AGO.

AND PEOPLE GOT ALONG FINE BACK

THEN.

TECHNICALLY THERE WERE NO PEOPLE

BUT EVERYTHING WAS PEACHY KEEN

FOR PALEOCHIROPTERYX, THE FIRST

RECOGNIZABLE BAT.

SO AS OUR CLIMATE SHIFTS BACK

INTO THAT OF THE EOCENE AND ALL

THOSE EXTINCT ANIMALS RETURN TO

THE ARCTIC, WE HUMANS WILL JUST

HAVE TO HAVE ADAPT.

LET'S SING IT FOR SANTA, KIDS.

RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED RED HORPED

BRONTOTHERIUM HAD A PROM NET

NASAL RIDGE AND IF YOU EVER SAW

IT, YOU WOULD SAY, DEARED GOD,

I'M BEING CHASED BY THE

BRONTOTHERIUM NATURAL PREDATOR

ANDREW-SARCUS, A 13-FOOT

CARNIVOROUS DOG.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SO, FOLKS, I SAY LET'S ENJOY

THIS MELTING ICE CAP AND MAYBE

TURN A BUCK ON IT.

AFTER ALL, THAT MELTED NORTH

POLE LAKE SURE LOOKS REFRESHING.

LET'S SEND SOME TANKER TRUCKS UP

THERE, SUCK IT UP AND BOTTLE IT.

WE CAN CALL IT "POLE AND SPRINGS

."

AND THANKS TO ALL

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