Flogging the Americone Dream

  • Aired:  10/25/11
  •  | Views: 28,754

Ben & Jerry's endorses Occupy Wall Street, and Stephen calls on Colbert Nation to reclaim its place atop Ice Cream Mountain. (4:28)

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

FOLKS, IT'S NO SECRET THAT I

FURIOUSLY OPPOSE OCCUPY WALL

STREET.

IF YOU REALLY WANT TO AFFECT

ECONOMIC CHANGE, KIDS, DO IT THE

OLD-FASHIONED WAY-- GET OFF YOUR

ASS AND GET A JOB AT GOLDMAN

SACHS AND THEN GET HIRED BY THE

U.S. TREASURY.

IT'S THAT SIM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH!

GIVE IT UP FOR GOLDMAN SACHS.

LLOYD IS A FRIEND.

BUT WHAT REALLY BUNDLES MY ANGER

AND SHORT-SELLS MY RAGE IS THE

LATEST SUPPORTERS OF THESE

BOTTOM 99-PERCENTERS.

JIM?

>> THE GROUP HAS ITS FIRST SHOW

OF CORPORATE SUPPORT.

BEN AND JERRY'S IS BACKING THE

PROTESTS.

>> BEN AND JERRY'S IS POSTING A

MESSAGE TO PROTESTERS ON THEIR

WEBSITE SAYING, WE STAND WITH

YOU.

>> WE SUPPORT THIS CALL TO

ACTION AND ARE HONORED TO JOIN

YOU IN THIS CALL TO TAKE BACK

OUR NATION AND DEMOCRACY.

>> Stephen: WHAT?

BEN AND JERRY, HOW COULD YOU

SUPPORT THESE LEFTY PROTESTERS?

WHAT'S NEXT, SUPPORTING GAY

MARRIAGE JUST BECAUSE YOUR

HUBBY'S GOT A CHUBBY FOR A

CHUNKY MONKEY?

[ LAUGHTER ]

THIS ENDORSEMENT IMPLIES THAT I

SUPPORT THIS PROTEST, BECAUSE OF

MY BEN & JERRY'S FLAVOR

AMERI-CONE DREAM.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NO WAY!

MY FLAVOR IS 100% PRO-BUSINESS.

EATING IT IS THE PERFECT WAY TO

INCREASE YOUR BOTTOM LINE.

AS WELL AS YOUR BELLY LINE AND

THE AREA-FORMERLY-KNOWN-AS-CHIN

LINE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

-1-

HOW DARE YOU LUMP ME IN WITH THE

REST OF YOUR ANTI-CORPORATE

SOCIALIST FLAVORS LIKE WILLIE

NELSON'S COUNTRY PEACH COBBLER.

PHISH FOOD, AND KARAMEL MARX.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NOT TO MENTION THE FLAVOR OF MY

FORMER BEST FRIEND FOR SIX

MONTHS AND CURRENT ENEMY, JIMMY

FALLON'S LATE NIGHT SNACK.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SALTY CARAMEL SWIRL,

FUDGE-COVERED POTATO CHIP

CLUSTERS?

IT'S CLEARLY ANTI-BUSINESS SINCE

THE INGREDIENTS READ LIKE WHAT

AN UNEMPLOYED PERSON FINDS WHEN

DUMPSTER DIVING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THIS IS HORRIBLE, BUT AT LEAST I

KNOW THAT MY ICE CREAM IS STILL

THE #1 BEST SELLING BEN AND

JERRY'S FLAVOR.

>> THE BIG ISSUE EVERYONE IS

TALKING ABOUT: IS IT OUTSELLING

STEPHEN COLBERT'S ICE CREAM?

>> YOU KNOW, THE FLAVOR IS DOING

REALLY, REALLY WELL-- BUT THE

SHORT ANSWER IS YES IT'S

OUTSELLING STEPHEN'S ICE CREAM.

>> YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

REALLY, IS IT?

THAT IS SO[AUDIENCE BOOS]

>> Stephen: I'M SO DEPRESSED.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M FAT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED?!?

IN HINDSIGHT, MAYBE DEVOTING AN

ENTIRE SHOW TO THE LAUNCH OF

JIMMY'S ICE-CREAM WAS A MISTAKE.

BUT IT STILL DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

MY FLAVOR IS EVERYWHERE.

IT'S ONE OF ONLY THREE FLAVORS

AVAILABLE IN PINTS,

QUARTS, MINICUPS AND SCOOP

SHOPS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

FOLKS, I SMELL A RAT.

RAT, BY THE WAY, ALSO ONE OF THE

INGREDIENTS IN JIMMY FALLON'S

ICE CREAM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THERE HAS TO BE AN EXPLANATION

FOR THIS.

JERRY?

>> I DON'T THINK HE'S OUT THERE

FLOGGING HIS FLAVOR THE WAY

YOU'RE FLOGGING YOUR FLAVOR.

IF HE WAS OUT THERE FLOGGING HIS

FLAVOR, HE'D BE PUMPING UP

SALES.

>> Stephen: WHAT?

HEY, I FLOG MY FLAVOR ALL THE

TIME!

[ LAUGHTER ]

NOT AS MUCH AS BACK IN COLLEGE,

BUT BELIEVE ME, I CAN STILL PUMP

MY SALES.

LATCH LAUGH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NATION, WE MUST REGAIN OUR PLACE

ATOP THE ICE CREAM MOUNTAIN.

I WANT EVERYONE IN THE COLBERT

NATION TO MAKE AMERICONE DREAM

THEIR TREAT OF CHOICE.

BRING IT TO PARTIES, EAT IT ON

YOUR BIRTHDAY, GIVE IT OUT AT

HALLOWEEN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DON'T EVEN CARE IF YOU EAT IT.

USE IT TO GREASE DOOR HINGES, OR

SPACKLE WALLS.

OR AS A REFRESHING DEODORANT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND YES, ALL MY ICE CREAM'S

PROCEEDS GO TO CHARITY, BUT TO

HELL WITH THE NEEDY.

I AM DOING THIS TO KICK JIMMY

FALON'S ASS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BY THE WAY, FALLON'S ASS?

ALSO IN HIS ICE CREAM.