ThreatDown - Barack Obama, Fundamentalist Flippers & Coked Up Diplomats

  • Aired:  01/30/12
  •  | Views: 31,029

Barack Obama plays the dirty political trick of being irresistibly appealing, the Navy trains dolphins to sweep for mines, and the U.N. receives 35 pounds of cocaine. (6:11)

HEART.

NATION, YOU KNOW I'M ALWAYS

LOOKING OUT FOR YOU.

AND THE NEWS THAT AFFECTS

YOUR LIFE.

REMEMBER THAT STORY ABOUT

BRAIN EATING AM EVENAS IN

LOUISIANA TAP WATTER?

I REALLY VUD SHOULD IS HAVE

REPORTED ON THAT.

THIS IS THE THREATDOWN.

FOLKS, I MEANT TO REPORT ON

THIS NEXT STORY EARLIER BUT

I WAS TOO BUSY NOT RUNNING

FOR PRESIDENT.

THREAT NUMBER THREE,

PRESIDENT OBAMA.

JUST LISTEN TO THE SHOCKING

REVELATION HE UNLEASHED AT A

RECENT FUND-RAISER AT THE

APOLLO THEATRE I-- SO IN

LOVE WITH YOU ♪

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: OH MY GOD!

I THINK I JUST OVULATED.

NOW ONCE AGAIN, FOLKS, OBAMA

IS PLAYING HIS SAME OLD

DIRTY POLITICAL TRICK OF

BEING IRRESISTABLY APPEALING.

YOU'LL NEVER SEE NEWT

GINGRICH STOOP THAT LOW.

BUT WITH THOSE PIPES OBAMA

IS GOING TO BE UNSTOPPABLE

IN 2012, WHAT OTHER SULTRY

TALENTS COULD HE PULL OUT TO

WOO THE VOTERS, MAKING

HUSBAND HOME COOKED

FRITTATAS IN BED, GIVING

SPEECHES IN ITALIAN.

HE KNOWS I CAN'T RESIST A

MAN WHO CALLS ME

PRINCIPESSA.

I MEAN EVEN, EVEN IF THE

SINGING IS ALL HE'S GOT NO

OTHER CANDIDATE CAN MATCH

HIS VOICE.

AT LEAST IN THE LAST

ELECTION, WE HAD JOHN McCAIN

AND HIS OLD SINGING GROUP.

♪ WE REPRESENT THE LOLLIPOP

GUILD ♪

♪ THE LOLLIPOP GUILD ♪

♪.

>> Stephen: AND HE MIGHT

HAVE WON IF THAT HOUSE

HADN'T LANDED ON HIS RUNNING

MATE.

BUT FOLKS, MI CALLING--

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: I AM CALLING-- SHE

WILL BE MISSED.

SHE WILL BE MISSED.

I AM HEREBY CALL ON THE

REMAINING REPUBLICANS TO

FIGHT OBAMA'S SOUL MUSIC

WITH GLAM-ROCK.

GENTLEMEN, TEAM UP INTO ONE

SUPERGROUP AND GO THE FULL

KISS.

NEWT WOULD BE GENE SIMONS,

ALTHOUGH I BELIEVE NEWT HAS

SLEPT WITH MORE WOMEN.

NEXT UP, FOLKS, IN RESPONSE

TO INTERNATIONAL SANCTIONS,

IRAN HAS THREATENED TO BLOCK

THE STRAIT OF HORMUZ, A

ROUTE USED TO TRANSPORT 20%

OF THE WORLD'S OIL AND 100%

OF THE WORLD'S HORMUZ.

BUT THE U.S. NAVY HAS A

PLAN.

>> ONE WAY IRAN COULD BLOCK

THE STRAIT IS WITH AN

ASSORTMENT OF MINES.

BUT THE U.S. NAVY HAS A

PRETTY HIGHLY EFFECTIVE

STRATEGY TO GET AROUND THAT,

THE SECRET WEAPON, DOLPHINS.

>> THE BEST PROTECTORS OF

UNDERWATER MINES ARE NOT

SUBMARINES OR SATELLITE

COMMUNICATIONS, THEY ARE

DOLPHINS.

>> Stephen: YES, THEY HAVE

TRAINED DOLPHINS TO SWEEP

FOR MINES.

AMAZING.

YET I CAN'T EVEN GET MINE TO

RAKE THE YARD!

GET BACK IT WORK, KEVIN!

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: I JUST NEED

SOMEPLACE TO CRASH FOR A FEW

WEEKS.

THIS BRINGS ME TO THREAT

NUMBER TWO.

FUNDAMENTALIST FLIPPERS.

I AM TELLING YOU, FOLKS THIS

WILL BE JUST LIKE

AFGHANISTAN.

WE TRAIN THE LOCALS TO FIGHT

OUR ENEMIES, THEN THEY TURN

ON US.

BEFORE YOU KNOW T THEY'LL BE

MARINE MUJAHIDEEN.

WE HAVE SEEN THE FOOTAGE OF

THEIR TRAINING CAMPS.

WE KNOW THEY SPEAK IN CODE.

>> Stephen: I'M PRETTY SURE

THAT'S ARABIC.

AND NEED I REMIND YOU WE

DUMPED OSAMA BIN LADEN IN

THE OCEAN.

IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME

UNTIL HE RECRUITS YOUNG

IMPRESSIONABLE MALE DOLPHINS

BY PROMISING THEN AN

ETERNITY IN PARADISE WITH 72

HERRING.

WE MUST ABANDON THIS DOLPHIN

PROGRAM BEFORE IT'S TOO

LATE.

AND THEY DECLARE JEEE-EEE-HAD.

(APPLAUSE)

DIDN'T REALIZE-- DIDN'T KNOW

I SPOKE ARABIC, DID YOU?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: FINALLY,

ALARMING NEWS OUT OF THE

U.N., IN THAT THE U.N. IS

NEWS.

JIM?

>> POLICE IN NEW YORK SAY

SOMEBODY DELIVERED 35 POUNDS

OF COCAINE TO THE UNITED

NATIONS LAST WEEK.

THEY SAY THE COKE WAS

STASHED INSIDE THESE TWO

WHITE BAGS MADE TO LOOK LIKE

DIPLOMATIC POUCHES.

THE HEAD OF THE SECURITIES

UNITED NATIONS SAID SOMEBODY

PROBABLY USED THE LOGO IN

ORDER TO BYPASS INSPECTION

AT THE U. IS IS MEXICO

BORDER BUT NEVER INTENDED

FOR THE PACKAGE TO ACTUALLY

BE DELIVERED TO THE UNITED

NATIONS.

>> Stephen: WHICH BRINGS ME

TO THE NUMBER ONE THREAT IN

AMERICA, COKED UP DIPLOMATS.

FOLKS, THIS IS TERRIFYING.

WITH 35 POUNDS OF COCAINE,

THE UNITED NATIONS MIGHT

ACTUALLY GET SOMETHING DONE.

I CAN JUST SEE

SECRETARY-GENERAL BAN

KI-MOON GETTING JACKED UP ON

THE ALL BINA RHINO AND

ANNOUNCING [BLEEP] LET'S

MAKE ONE OF THESE

RESOLUTIONS, BINDING.

GOD, GOD, I JUST LOVE-- I

LOVE ENFORCING SANCTIONS.

SIR YA, ARE YOU A [BLEEP],

MAKE OUT WITH ME NOW.

THEY ARE PROBABLY AS WE

SPEAK, THEY ARE PROBABLY ON

A 36 HOUR SLEEPLESS

DIPLOMACY BINGE WITH THEIR

HEAD PHONES ON SAYING DUDE,

YOU HAVE GOT TO HEAR THIS

TRANSLATION.

NO, NO, NO, PLAY IT BACK.

OH [BLEEP] THAT IS SO

NUANCED.

IT'S LIKE A TRANSLATION

INSIDE A TRANSLATION INSIDE

A CONDEMNATION OF ISRAEL.

YOU GUYS, YOU KNOW WHAT,

LET'S START A SOCIAL MEDIA

COMPANY, I'M SERIOUS.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW

EASY IT WOULD BE TO CURE

MALARIA, WE JUST NEED

MOSQUITO NETS AND POTABLE

WATER AND WE CAN WIPE OUT

HUNGER.

PUNCH ME IN THE FACE RIGHT

NOW.

DON'T WE KNOW BONO.

ONE LOVE, ONE BLOOD, ONE

LIFE, YOU'VE GOT TO--

(APPLAUSE)

I'M SO SAD, WHAT TIME IS IT,

[BLEEP] GOT TO GO TO BED.

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