Global Terror Warning

  • Aired:  08/05/13
  •  | Views: 77,699

The Obama administration alerts Americans about an imminent Al Qaeda attack that could happen any moment, anywhere, at any time. (3:28)

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE

REPORT.

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

NATION...

>> STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN,

STEPHEN!

>> Stephen: THANK YOU, LADIES

AND GENTLEMEN.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Stephen: PLEASE, SIT DOWN,

EVERYBODY.

PLEASE, WE'VE GOT TO GET GOING.

FOLKS, NATION, LOCK YOUR DOORS

AND BOARD UP YOUR WINDOWS

BECAUSE AMERICA IS IN A STATE OF

PANIC.

I HOPE YOU'RE WEARING A CLEAN

DIAPER BECAUSE THE UNITED STATES

GOVERNMENT IN COOPERATION WITH

CABLE NEWS HAS ONCE AGAIN TAKEN

US TO CODE BROWN.

JIM?

>> HIGH ALERT.

IS AN ATTACK IMMINENT?

>> AMERICANS HAVE BEEN PUT ON

NOTICE.

THEY MAY NOT BE SAFE THIS MONTH.

>> A GLOBAL TRAVEL ALERT IS NOW

IN EFFECT FOR ALL AMERICANS

AROUND THE WORLD.

THAT'S AFTER SOURCES SAY THERE'S

GROWING INTELLIGENCE THAT

AL-QAEDA IS PLANNING AN ATTACK.

AS A PRECAUTION, THE U.S. IS

CLOSING 22 EMBASSIES AND

CONSULATES.

>> U.S. OFFICIALS SAY AN ATTACK

COULD HAPPEN ANYWHERE IN THE

WORLD AT ANY TIME.

IT COULD HAPPEN LITERALLY AT ANY

MOMENT.

>> Stephen: YES, AN ATTACK IS

IMMINENT, ANY MOMENT, ANYWHERE,

ANY TIME.

LOOK TO YOUR LEFT.

LOOK TO YOUR RIGHT.

BOTH OF THOSE PEOPLE COULD BE

TERRORISTS.

AND WHAT ABOUT THAT GUY IN THE

MIDDLE WHO KEEPS LOOKING AROUND

SO MUCH?

WHAT'S HE PLANNING?

FOLKS, THIS WARNING IS EXACTLY

WHY WE INVESTED HUNDREDS OF

BILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN OUR

INTELLIGENCE GATHERING,

SURRENDERED OUR PRIVACY AND LET

THE N.S.A. TURN THE CONSTITUTION

INTO A CHOOSE YOUR OWN

ADVENTURE.

SO WE CAN GET CONCRETE,

ACTIONABLE INTELLIGENCE LIKE

THIS.

>> AL QAEDA APPEARS TO BE

PLANNING SOMETHING BIG ALTHOUGH

WE DON'T KNOW THE EXACT TARGET

OR THE EXACT METHOD.

>> WE STILL DON'T KNOW THE TIME

OR DATE OR TARGET OF ANY ATTACK.

>> WHAT WE DON'T KNOW IS THE

EXACT DATE, THE EXACT LOCATION

THAT'S GOING TO OCCUR OR THE

NATURE OF IT.

ARE THEY GOING TO ATTACK

EMBASSIES OR HOTELS?

WE JUST DON'T KNOW.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU N.S.A.

NOW WE KNOW AMERICANS JUST NEED

TO AVOID "THIS" AREA.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

FOLKS, WITHOUT ANY DETAILS, I'M

NOT EVEN SURE HOW PANICKED I'M

SUPPOSED TO BE.

AT LEAST DURING THE BUSH YEARS I

COULD LOOK AT THIS HELPFUL CHART

AND KNOW THAT MY SPHINCTER

TIGHTNESS WAS ORANGE BUT EVEN

THAT'S GONE NOW BECAUSE OBAMA

GAVE ALL THOSE COLORS TO THE

GAYS FOR THEIR RAINBOW.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

BUT DESPITE THE UNCERTAINTY,

NOTHING IS BEING LEFT TO CHANCE.

IN FACT, THE STATE DEPARTMENT

ANNOUNCED THE CLOSED U.S.

EMBASSIES WILL REMAIN SHUT

THROUGH SATURDAY DUE TO AN

ABUNDANCE OF CAUTION.

YES, IT'S IMPORTANT TO REMAIN

ABUNDANTLY CAUTIOUS UNTIL

SATURDAY.

AFTER THAT, THE TERRORISTS WOULD

HAVE TO REBOOK THEIR FLIGHTS.

AND THAT'S A $100 CHANGE FEE.

PLUS THEY'D HAVE TO TAKE OFF

WORK AGAIN AND RESCHEDULE

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