God Calls Rick Perry

  • Aired:  07/19/11
  •  | Views: 65,127

With the tough challenges facing America, Rick Perry thinks it's time to hand it over to God and ask Him to jump in. (5:39)

METAPHORICAL UNOBTAINABLE GOALS BUTLINE.

(LAUGHTER) SO CLEARLY WE NEED ANOTHER GUY TO BE THE GUY.

FORTUNATELY, THE REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL FIELD IS AN EMBARRASSMENT OF RICH RICHES.

(LAUGHTER) IN FACT, THE FIRST TWO WORDS THAT COME TO MIND ARE "EMBARRASS."

AND "RICH." (LAUGHTER) BUT I AM INTRIGUED BY ONE CANDIDATE WHO HASN'T DECLARED YET.

TEXAS GOVERNOR AND FUTURE JOSH BROLIN ROLE RICK PERRY.

AND I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO IS SPORTING A TEXAS LONG HORN.

>> THE NEW INFATUATION IS RICK PERRY, GOVERNOR OF TEXAS.

I'M VERY INTERESTED IN RICK PERRY.

>> WHO'S YOUR DREAM CANDIDATE TO GET INTO THE RACE?

>> I WOULD LOVE FOR RICK PERRY TO GET INTO IT.

>> THIS MAN NEEDS TO BE PRESIDENT.

>> Stephen: (AS LAST SPEAKER) I COMPLETE... AHEM.

I COMPLETELY AGREE.

THIS MAN NEEDS TO BE PRESIDENT.

WE HAVEN'T HAD A TEXAS GOVERNOR IN THE WHITE HOUSE FOR ALMOST THREE YEARS!

THINK OF ALL THE UNCLEARED BRUSH WE'VE BUILT UP!

(LAUGHTER) AND, FOLKS, PERRY MAY BE GOING FOR IT BECAUSE ON AUGUST 6 HE IS

HOLDING A RALLY CALLED "THE RESPONSE."

>> THIS IS GOVERNOR RICK PERRY AND I'M INVITING YOU TO JOIN

YOUR FELLOW AMERICANS IN A DAY OF PRAYER AND FASTING ON BEHALF OF OUR NATION.

WITH THE ECONOMY IN TROUBLE,

COMMUNITIES IN CRISIS, AND PEOPLE ADRIFT IN A SEA OF MORAL RELATIVISM, WE NEED GOD'S HELP.

I SINCERELY HOPE YOU'LL JOIN ME IN HOUSTON ON AUGUST 6 AND TAKE YOUR PLACE IN RELIANCE STADIUM

WITH PRAYING PEOPLE ASKING GOD'S FORGIVENESS.

>> Stephen: YES!

COME PRAY AND FAST AT RELIANT STADIUM.

BUT BRING YOUR WALLET BECAUSE AT N.F.L. CONCESSION STANDS EVEN NOTHING COSTS $12.

(LAUGHTER) GOVERNOR PERRY KNOWS THAT PRAYER IS THE ONLY WAY TO FIX OUR PROBLEMS, FOLKS.

AS HE TOLD A GROUP OF DONORS,

WITH THE TOUGH CHALLENGES FACING AMERICA "IT'S TIME TO JUST HAND

IT OVER TO GOD AND SAY GOD,

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO FIX THIS." (LAUGHTER) INSPIRING WORDS.

PERRY HAS LOOKED AT OUR PROBLEM SQUARELY IN THE EYE AND SAID "I GOT NOTHING." (LAUGHTER)

"JUMP IN ANY TIME HERE." (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) OF COURSE AFTER THIS, THE

ATHEISTS TOOK A BREAK FROM SCRATCHING "IN GOD WE TRUST" OFF OUR NICKELS TO ATTACK THE GOVERNOR.

>> THE FREEDOM FROM RELIGION FOUNDATION IS ARGUING PERRY'S ATTENDANCE VIOLATES THE

SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE.

>> THIS IS EXCLUSIVELY CHRISTIAN AND IT IS ABSOLUTELY CROSSING THE LINE OF CHURCH AND STATE.

>> Stephen: NOT TRUE, GODLESS MAN CUBE!

(LAUGHTER) THE RESPONSE RAILLY IS OPEN TO EVERYONE.

ITS WEB SITE CLEARLY STATES THAT PEOPLE OF ALL AGES, RACES, AND BACKGROUNDS WILL BE IN

ATTENDANCE TO PROCLAIM JESUS AS SAVIOR.

(LAUGHTER) SEE?

IT DOESN'T CROSS THE LINE BETWEEN CHURCH AND STATE!

IT ERASES IT!

(LAUGHTER) FOLKS, RICK PERRY IS THE GUY.

BECAUSE THIS RALLY PROVES HE'S TIGHT WITH GOD.

THEY WOULD MAKE A GREAT TICKET!

NOW, I'M THINKING YAHWEH FOR VICE PRESIDENT BECAUSE, LIKE JOE BIDEN, HE'S KIND OF A GAS MACHINE.

(LAUGHTER) I MEAN, FLOODS, PESTILENCE,

EMUS?

DO WE REALLY NEED THEM AND OSTRICHES?

PLUS, GOD INVENTED CIRCUMCISION.

THE NEGATIVE AD JUST WRITES ITSELF.

(LAUGHTER)

>> GOVERNOR YAHWEH CLAIMS HE WANTS TO CUT FEDERAL SPENDING.

BUT HE ALSO WANTS TO CUT OFF THE TIP OF YOUR PENIS.

(LAUGHTER) YAHWEH, WRONG FOR AMERICA; WRONG FOR YOUR PENIS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: TOUGH STUFF.

TOUGH BUT TRUE, I'VE GOT TO SAY.

PLUS PERRY IS A STRAIGHT SHOOTER WHEN IT COMES TO SHOOTING STRAIGHT AT STUFF.

JIM?

>> TEXAS GOVERNOR RICK PERRY HAS A MESSAGE FOR WILY COYOTES OUT THERE.

DON'T MESS WITH MY DOGS.

PERRY SAID HE SHOT A COYOTE WITH A LASER SIGHTED PISTOL AFTER IT WAS MENACING HIS DOG DURING AN

EARLY MORNING JOG.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

RICK PERRY JOGS WITH A LASER SIGHTED PISTOL STRAPPED TO HIS ARM.

(LAUGHTER) IN TEXAS, GUNS ARE ALSO MP3 PLAYERS.

(LAUGHTER) NOW, WHEN QUESTIONED ABOUT KILLING THE COYOTE, PERRY HAD A ROCK-SOLID EXPLANATION.

"EITHER ME OR THE DOG WERE IN IMMINENT DANGER.

I DID THE APPROPRIATE THING AND SENT IT TO WHERE COYOTES GO." (LAUGHTER)

WHICH I ASSUME WAS INTO A CANYON WEARING ROCKET SKATES.

AND PERRY EVEN TOLD THE "DES MOINES REGISTER" "I'M GETTING

MORE AND MORE COMFORTABLE EVERYDAY THAT THIS IS WHAT I'VE BEEN CALLED TO DO."

SADLY, YESTERDAY THE GOVERNOR BACKED OFF THE CLAIM THAT GOD WAS CALLING HIM TO RUN SAYING

"THERE'S A LOT OF DIFFERENT WAYS TO BE CALLED.

MY MOTHER MAY CALL ME FOR DINNER DINNER." (LAUGHTER) EXACTLY!

EXACTLY!

MAYBE HE'S JUST BEEN CALLED FOR DINNER BY HIS MOM!

WAIT!

WHAT'S THAT ON HIS GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH?

JESUS!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) OH, PLEASE.

OH, PLEASE, LORD, PLEASE SEND RICK A SIGN.

PERHAPS LIKE YOU SHOWED NOAH,

SEND RICK A RAINBOW.

NO, WAIT, THAT'S KIND OF GAY.

(LAUGHTER) YOU KNOW WHAT?

JUST SEND HIM CASH, HE'LL TAKE IT FROM THERE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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