Juvenile Speeches from Congress & President Sparkle-Talk

  • Aired:  06/04/12
  •  | Views: 16,784

America's leaders speak the high school language of "angry glares at the dinner table," while Barack Obama talks like an eighth-grader. (3:39)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE REPORT, EVERYBODY, GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

>> STEPHEN, STEPHEN,

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH YOU PEOPLE?

I GOT TO TELL YOU, IT'S LIKE TRYING TO STOP THE SUN FROM RISING.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

NATION, IT'S NO SECRET,

THESE DAYS WHAT WITH THEIR PETTY SCHOOLYARD BICKERING,

CONGRESS ISN'T VERY POP ARE LAR.

AND IT DOES NOT HELP THEY'RE ALWAYS BULLYING THE ONLY BLACK KID.

SO FOLKS, THINGS ARE GETTING WORSE.

>> A NEW REPORT SHOWS THAT CONGRESS MIGHT BE GETTING DUMBER.

THE SUNLIGHT FOUNDATION ANALYZED RECENT SPEECHES MADE BY MEMBERS OF CONGRESS

AND FOUND THAT THEY ARE SPEAKING AT THE LEVEL EXPECTED OF A SOPHOMORE IN HIGH SCHOOL.

IN THE SAME STUDY SEVEN YEARS AGO CONGRESS WAS SPEAKING AT THE LEVEL OF A JUNIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL.

>> Stephen: CONGRESS IS SO DUMB THAT IT TOOK THEMSELVE ENYEARS JUST TO BE HELD BACK A GRADE.

(LAUGHTER) NATION THIS IS OUTRAGE US.

AND FOR YOU DIM BULB CONGRESSMAN WATCHING OUTRAGEOUS IS A BIG WORD MEANING STEPHEN SURPRISEY FROWN.

(LAUGHTER) FULL RANGE OF EMOTION.

AMERICA'S LEADERS ARE SPEAKING LIKE HIGH SCHOOL SOPHOMORES.

A SILENT LANGUAGE OF ANGRY GLARES AT THE DINNER TABLE,

BETWEEN TEXT MESSAGES.

(LAUGHTER) NATION, IF THE FOUNDERS KNEW HOW STUPID CONGRESS HAS BECOME, THEY WOULD BE PISSED.

WITH TWO FANCY F SHAPED Ss.

AFTER ALL, ACCORDING TO THE SAME STUDY THE CONSTITUTION IS WRITTEN AT A 17.8th GRADE LEVEL.

THEY USED SOARING POETIC LANGUAGE ABOUT FREEDOM SO THAT NO ONE WOULD NOTICE THAT THEY HAD SLAVES.

(LAUGHTER) BUT FOLKS, THIS ISN'T LIMITED TO CONGRESS.

IT TURNS OUT OLD PRESIDENT SPARKLE TALK HERE IS EVEN DUMBER.

>> PRESIDENT OBAMA'S STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS.

>> COMING IN AT ABOUT 1/8 GRADE LEVEL.

>> Stephen: THAT EXPLAINS WHY THIS YEAR HE OPENED HIS ADDRESS TO CONGRESS BY

SAYING THE STATE OF OUR UNION IS TOAST, AWESOME SAUCE.

NATION,-- DE.

I REMEMBER THAT.

(LAUGHTER) NATION, I'M AN ANTI-GOVERNMENT GUY.

BUT IF WE'RE PAYING THESE CLOWNS, I SAY WE SHOULD GET SOMETHING FOR OUR MONEY.

THEY SHOULD TALK IN A FANCY WAY THAT SHOWS MORE RESPECT FOR THE SACRED INSTITUTIONS

I HAVE NO RESPECT FOR.

FROM NOW ON I WANT TO HERE NAUGHT BUT THE MOST REFINED OR TORY FROM THE DISTINGUISHED EXEMPLARS OF

DEMOCRATIC DICTA ENSCONCED WITHIN OUR SACROSANCT LEGISLATIVE, SUPERCILIOUS

LUPINE PACHIDERM FOR BETWIXT THE PROFLIGATE LIB ATTORNEYISM OF THE LATITUDINARIAN AND THE

SCRUPULOUS ELMS OF 9 FORTHRIGHT CONSERVE-- CONSERVE TROCK SKI-- IF YOU USE BIG

WORDS, NO ONE WILL KNOW YOU AREN'T DOING JACK SQUAT.

(APPLAUSE)

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