Ebola Panic

  • Aired:  08/07/14
  •  | Views: 94,600

America braces itself for a possible Ebola outbreak, and Fox News's Dr. Ben Carson finds creative ways to spread fear. (6:06)

FOLKS...(LAUGHTER)

-- I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE JOINING USTONIGHT.

IF YOU ARE JOINING US, WE TAPEDTHE SHOW AT 7:00, SO BY THE TIME

YOU'RE SEEING THIS, YOU'REPROBABLY DEAD.

BECAUSE THIS WEEK, THE EBOLAOUTBREAK THAT'S BEEN RAVAGING

WEST AFRICA FINALLY SPREAD TOWEST-WEST AFRICA, AMERICA.

JIM?

>> THE GROWING EBOLA FEARSPREADS AROUND THE COUNTRY.

>> THERE ARE FEARS THE OUTBREAKWILL CONTINUE TO SPREAD.

>> AMERICANS PANICKED OVER APOSSIBLE EBOLA OUTBREAK.

>> FEAR AND PANIC OVER APOSSIBLE EBOLA OUTBREAK.

>> EBOLA OUTBREAK -- >> GROWING FEARS ABOUT EBOLA --

>> Stephen: YES! WE'RE ALLAFRAID!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)WE'RE ALL AFRAID ABOUT A COMING

EBOLA OUTBREAK!

(CHEERING)EVERYONE IS ON HIGH ALERT!

(CHEERING)BUT MOSTLY BILL IN OUR GRAPHICS

DEPARTMENT!(CHEERING)

HERE'S HOW THE PLAGUE HAS SPREADSO FAR -- TWO AMERICAN HEALTH

WORKERS WHO CONTRACTED THEDISEASE WHILE TREATING PATIENTS

IN AFRICA HAVE BEEN EVACUATED TOEMORY UNIVERSITY FOR EMERGENCY

MEDICAL CARE.

TO ADD TO THE HORROR, EMORY ISIN ATLANTA SO THEY PROBABLY HAD

TO FLY DELTA!

AND IT BRINGS ME NO COMFORT TOKNOW THAT EBOLA IS SPREAD ONLY

THROUGH INTIMATE CONTACT WITHBODILY SECRETIONS SUCH AS VOMIT,

BLOOD OR FECES.

SPEAKING OF VOMIT, BLOOD ANDFECES...

DONALD TRUMP.

(CHEERING)HE TRIED --

DONALD TRIED TO WARN US ABOUTTHIS LOOMING PANDEMIC VIA

TWITTER.

STOP THE EBOLA PATIENTS FROMENTERING THE U.S.

TREAT THEM AT THE HIGHEST LEVELOVER THERE.

YES, WE SHOULD HAVE TREATEDTHESE DESPERATELY I'LL AMERICANS

AT THE HIGHEST LEVEL IN LIBERIA!

NO CIVIL WAR ERA MEDICALTECHNOLOGY SHOULD BE SPARED!

THE FRESHEST LEACHES!

THE FINEST BITE STICKS!

AND, SURE, SURE, THESE PEOPLEWERE PROVIDING MEDICAL CARE TO

DESPERATE VILLAGERS, BUT THATDOESN'T MEAN THEY DESERVE

SPECIAL TREATMENT, RIGHT,DONALD?

>> THEY ARE GREAT PEOPLE,THEY'RE TREMENDOUS PEOPLE, BUT

THEY HAVE O SUFFER THECONSEQUENCES.

>> Stephen: YES! YOU HAVE TO-- NO, NO, HE'S RIGHT!

NO, NO, NO, NO, WAIT, HEY,HEY...

I SAID NO!

YOU HAVE TO SUFFER THECONSEQUENCES FOR YOUR GOOD

DEEDS!

THAT'S WHY MOTHER THERESA'STOMBSTONE READS "SHE HAD IT

COMING"!

(LAUGHTER)AND THE NUMBER OF NEW EBOLA

CASES IN THE U.S. IS IMPOSSIBLETO COUNT BECAUSE IT IS ZERO!

(LAUGHTER)>> SO FAR SIX AMERICANS IN THE

UNITED STATES HAVE BEEN TESTEDFOR EBOLA, THANKFULLY ALL TESTS

CAME BACK NEGATIVE.

>> IT'S PRETTY HARD TO CATCH SOI THINK IF YOU'RE UPSET ABOUT

THE POSSIBLITY OF HAVING A MAJOROUTBREAK IN THE UNITED STATES

YOU SHOULD REALLY JUST RELAX,YOU KNOW, TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND

WORRY ABOUT GETTING HIT BY A CARBECAUSE YOU HAVE A LOT HIGHER

PROBABILITY OF THAT.

>> Stephen: YOU HEARD HIM,EBOLA HAS SPREAD TO OUR CAR

DEALERSHIPS!

NO WONDER THAT SALESMAN LOOKS SOSICK!

HE'S HAVING A SPASM AND THEYSTILL MAKE HIM COME TO WORK!

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

BUT, FOLKS, JUST BECAUSE NO ONEHAS CAUGHT EBOLA IN AMERICA

DOESN'T MEAN EBOLA CAN'T CATCHYOU!

FOX NEWS BRAIN SURGEON BENCARSON, INFECT US WITH YOUR

FEAR.

>> IF THERE WERE A CONTAINER OFCONTAMINATED URINE AND SOMEHOW

IT MANAGED TO FIND ITS WAY TOSOMEPLACE, A LOT OF DAMAGE COULD

BE DONE.

YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO GUARD FOR THEWORST CASE SCENARIO.

SO, YOU KNOW, SOMEONE COMES UPTO A LAB WORKER, HE KNOWS HE'S

GOT THE URINE, HOW WOULD YOULIKE TO HAVE A MILLION DOLLARS?

A LITTLE TRANSACTION THERE.

I MEAN -- YOU SAY THAT'S CRAZY,NEVER COULD HAPPEN.

SUCH THINGS HAVE BEEN KNOWN TOHAPPEN.

>> Stephen: NOW YOU MAY SAYDR. BEN CARSON IS JUST YANKING

(BLEEP) OUT OF HIS ASS, BUT,REMEMBER, THAT'S ANOTHER WAY

EBOLA IS SPREAD.

(APPLAUSE)DR. CARSON IS RIGHT.

DR. CARSON, THIS GOOD MAN ISRIGHT.

YOU SHOULD ALWAYS GUARD AGAINSTTHE WORSE POSSIBLE CASE SCENARIO

AND, FRANKLY, I CAN THINK OFWORSER SCENARIOS.

FIRST THE TERRORIST INJECT URINEINTO CIRCUS LIONS AND RELEASE

THEM INTO A BOY SCOUT JAMBOREE.

OR MORE PLAUSIBLE, LET'S SAYTHERE'S AN OPERA COMPANY ON

THEIR WAY A GIG, BUT THEIR BUSBREAKS DOWN AND OUTSIDE OF THE

CDC. THEY START SINGING, HIT AHIGH C, WHCIH CAUSES ALL THE

VIALS OF URINE TO SHATTER.

THEN A COLD FRONT MOVES IN ANDSUCKS ALL THE EBOLA INTO THE SKY

AND SUDDENLY IT'S RAINING DEATHPEE PEE!

OR OFTEN PLAUSIBLER, IT'S FRIDAYAND THE C.D.C. THROWS A PARTY,

-- IT'S A FUN PLACE, THEY COULDDO THAT --

AND THEY DECIDE TO SERVE CUPS OFMOUNTAIN DEW BUT THEY CAN'T TELL

THE MOUNTAIN DEW FROM THE URINE.

SOMEBODY, SOMEBODY COULDACTUALLY DRINK PEE-BOLA!

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

I'M JUST JOKING.

(LAUGHTER)I WOULD NEVER DO THAT.

THEY'RE BOTH URINE.(APPLAUSE)

NATION -- WE ONLY HAVE ONECHANCE.

IT IS CLEAR THAT WE ONLY HAVEONE CHANCE TO STOP THIS

SPREADING PANIC.

WE MUST ISOLATE THE SOURCE OFTHE OUTBREAK.

OUR IMAGINATION!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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