Mysteries of the Ancient Unknown - King Tut's Penis Pt. 2

  • Aired:  08/25/10
  •  | Views: 37,347

Scotland is the perfect place for King Tut's half-sister to hide his shriveled penis -- it's so cold there, it would blend right in. (4:39)

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

NATION, NATION, AS YOU KNOW, I

ALWAYS STRIVE TO BRING YOU THE

LATEST IN NEWS, POLITICS AND

EGYPTOLOGY.

WITH A FOCUS ON THE 18th

DYNASTY.

THAT'S WHY BACK IN JUNE I

BROUGHT YOU THIS BREAKING NEWS

ABOUT KING TUT.

JIM.

AS REPORTED TODAY IN "TIME"

MAGAZINE, WHEN TUT'S MUMMY WAS

FIRST UNWRAPPED IN 1922,

RESEARCHERS REPORTED SEEING THE

BOY-KING'S PENIS.

THEN IN 1968, KING TUT'S PENIS

WAS DECLARED MISSING.

YES.

IT WENT MISSING IN 1968.

NATURALLY SOME HISTORIANS

BELIEVE NIXON APPOINTED IT TO

HIS ADMINISTRATION, BUT IT

TURNED OUT THAT WRINKLED MASS OF

FLESH WAS JUST HENRY KISSINGER.

FRIEND OF THE SHOW.

HELLO, SIR.

BUT NOW A NEW EGYPTIAN MYSTERY

HAS GRABBED FRONT-PAGE

HEADLINES.

SO IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER

INSTALLMENT OF MY AWARD-READY

SERIES "STEPHEN COLBERT'S

MYSTERIES OF THE ANCIENT

UNKNOWN."

[LIGHTNING CRASHES]

TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT,

TONIGHT, URI GELLER, WHO SOME

MAY REMEMBER AS THE

PARANORMALIST WITH THE POWER TO

BEND SPOONS USING ONLY HIS MIND

AND TRICK SPOONS.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, GELLER HAS ENTERED THE NILE

NEWS CYCLE.

THE "WALL STREET JOURNAL"

REPORTS THAT GELLER PURCHASED A

SCOTTISH ISLAND BECAUSE

ACCORDING TO SCOTTISH LEGEND A

PHARAOH'S DAUGHTER, ONE PRINCESS

SCOTA, FELL OUT WITH HER FAMILY

AND FLED TO SCOTLAND, BRINGING

WITH HER EGYPTIAN TREASURE.

IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE.

SCOTLAND IS NAMED AFTER PRINCESS

SCOTA IN THE SAME WAY THAT ITALY

IS NAMED AFTER IT.

THERE IT IS.

IT'S RIGHT THERE.

KNOWING THIS, URI GELLER HAS

PURCHASED THIS SCOTTISH ISLAND

FOR $46,000, WHICH UNCOVERS A

SECOND MYSTERY.

WHERE DID THE GUY WHO BENDS

SPOONS FOR A LIVING GET $46,000.

NOW, USING HIS MENTAL POWERS,

GELLER RECKONS HE HAS PINPOINTED

THE TREASURE'S LOCATION, AND WE

KNOW HIS MENTAL POWERS ARE

STRONG BECAUSE ACCORDING TO ONE

SCOTTISH LOCAL, BEFORE URI CAME

ALONG, I DON'T THINK ANYBODY HAS

EVER HEARD ABOUT THIS EGYPTIAN

STUFF.

THAT'S RIGHT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT'S RIGHT.

HE INVENTED THE USING ONLY HIS

MIND.

SO WHAT COULD THIS EGYPTIAN

TREASURE BE?

WELL, IT TURNS OUT PRINCESS

SCOTA WAS THE HALF SISTER OF

KING TUT.

OH, MY RA!

COULD IT BE THAT URI GELLER HAS

DISCOVERED THE LOCATION OF

HISTORY'S MOST SOUGHT AFTER

RELIC, KING TUT'S PENIS?

WHICH MEANS THIS IS ACTUALLY

STEPHEN COLBERT'S MYSTERIES OF

THE ANCIENT UNKNOWN, KING TUT'S

PENIS PART TWO, THE

RES-ERECTION.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELCOME BACK.

WELCOME BACK.

WELCOME BACK.

NOW IT'S CLEAR.

[LAUGHTER]

I HAVEN'T SEEN MY FACE AT ALL.

WELCOME BACK.

NOW IT'S CLEAR WHY KING TUT'S

SISTER FELL OUT WITH HER ROYAL

FAMILY AND FLED ALL THE WAY TO

SCOTLAND.

IT WASN'T JUST SIBLING RIVALRY.

IT WAS BECAUSE SHE STOLE TUT'S

THROBBING OBELISK.

[CHANTING]

A LITTLE LATE ON THE [MIMICS

CHANTING]

OF COURSE, SCOTLAND IS THE

PERFECT PLACE TO HIDE A

SHRIVELED PENIS.

IT'S SO COLD THERE.

IT WILL FIT RIGHT IN.

SO WILL URI GELLER FINALLY

UNEARTH KING TUT'S MISSING

SCEPTER AND REUNITE IT WITH HIS

ROYAL TOOL?

I'LL CONTINUE TO FOLLOW THIS

MYSTERY AS IT TAKES SHAPE,

BECAUSE AFTER SEEING WHAT GOAL

KERR DO WITH A SPOON, I HAVE TO

BELIEVE HE CAN DO SOME