TomKat's Divorce & Anderson Cooper's Sexual Orientation

  • Aired:  07/16/12
  •  | Views: 46,564

The thetan inhabiting Katie Holmes isn't getting any younger, and torso-American Anderson Cooper could have had perfect caramel-mocha babies. (4:33)

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WELCOME TO THE REPORT,

EVERYBODY.

OKAY.

THANK YOU, PLEASE, SIT DOWN.

WELCOME TO THE REPORT.

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK, FOLKS.

SPENT THE LAST TWO WEEKS OFF.

I RELAXED.

GAVE THE OLD MONEYMAKER HERE SOME VITAMIN D.

SPENT SOME QUALITY TIME WITH MY FAMILY, QUESTIONING THE PRESIDENT'S LEGITIMACY.

(LAUGHTER) BUT VACATION IS OVER.

HOLD ON ONE SECOND, OKAY.

(LAUGHTER) FOLKS, I'M BACK.

AND NOT-- IT'S NOT A MOMENT TOO SOON.

BECAUSE APPARENTLY AMERICA JUST CAN'T KEEP IT TOGETHER WITHOUT ME.

I GO AWAY FOR TWO WEEKS, TWO WEEKS AND EVERYTHING FALLS APART.

I'M TALKING OF COURSE ABOUT THE TRAGIC END OF THE STORY BOOK ROMANCE OF TOM CRUISE

AND WIFE UNIT 55-B KATIE HOLMES.

WHAT HAPPENED?

THEIR MARRIAGE HAD EVERYTHING, FAME, GLAMOR, A PUBLICIST.

HOW DID IT GO WRONG.

KATIE WHAT ARE YOU THINKING.

MAY I REMIND YOU TOM IS AN OT7 AT LEAST.

WHERE ELSE ARE YOU GOING TO FIND A SUPERFIT 50-YEAR-OLD WHO LOVES COOKING, LONG

WUNTION THE BEACH AND USES THE TEXT TO CREATE NEW SPs AND CREATE BETTER REALITIES.

GOOD LUCK FINDING ONE OF THOSE ON J-DATE.

GIRLFRIEND, YOU ARE WALKING INTO ONE NASTY WHOLE TRACK OVERWHELM.

AND PARDON MY SAYING SO BUT THE SATAN INHABITING YOU ISN'T GETTING ANY YOUNGER.

DO YOU REALLY WANT TO CONFRONT THE FOURTH DYNAMIC ENGRANDMA LOAN?

YOU KNOW WHAT, KATIE, I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF ARE YOU JUST DOING ALL OF THIS

TO GET BACK AT YOUR OLD FLAME, DAWSON.

CLASSIC JOEY MOVE.

FOLKS, THAT'S NOT THE ONLY SHOCKER ROCKING THE ENTERTAINMENT VERSE.

BECAUSE TWO WEEKS AGO TV JOURNALIST AND TORSO AMERICAN ANDERSON COOPER DROPPED A BOMBSHELL.

>> COOPER ENDED YEARS OF SPECULATION.

>> THE FACT IS, I'M GAY.

ALWAYS HAVE BEEN, ALWAYS WILL BE.

>> Stephen: WHAT?

ANDERSON COOPER GAY?

I MEAN COME ON F THAT MAN IS GAY THEN I'M SECRETLY A LIBERAL.

(LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) OKAY.

HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED?

I HAD DREAMS FOR ANDERSON AND HIS 360 BULLETIN PRESENTER.

I MEAN JUST LOOK AT THEM.

THE CHEF AND THE CNN DELI FINALLY PERFECTED THE BLACK AND WHITE NEWS COOKIE.

I MEAN THE BABIES THEY'D HAVE MADE, THE SILL KEN EBB ONEE QUEEN AND THE ELFISH

GOD WOULD HAVE PRODUCED THE MOST PERFECT LITTLE LASER EYED CARAMEL MOCKA WOOD NYMPH.

I'M PRETTY SURE THAT'S OKAY FOR ME TO SAY.

IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

FOR YEARS WE'VE HEARD ANDERSON GO ON AND ON ABOUT SOME GIRL NAMED KATRINA.

(LAUGHTER) STANDING IN FRONT OF HER HOUSE AT ODD HOURS, FIGHTING WITH HER AND ENDING UP

OUTSIDE IN THE RAIN.

IT WAS TRUE LOVE.

OF COURSE LOOKING BACK NOW IT WAS SUSPICIOUS THAT WE NEVER SAW A PHOTO OF HER.

AND THEIR RELATIONSHIP ALWAYS SEEMED STRAINED.

I MEAN WHO CALLS THEIR