This Weak in National Secowardty

  • Aired:  09/07/11
  •  | Views: 27,800

Whenever terrorists come up with a new way to attack air travel, the TSA finds innovative ways to overreact, but all that security is about to disappear. (5:33)

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

[Audience chanting "Stephen"]

>> Stephen: THANK YOU.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN.

I JUST... I CANNOT THANK YOU

ENOUGH.

WE HAVE BEEN ON VACATION, AND

FOR THE LAST TWO WEEKS I'VE HAD

THE CHANT THAT TO MYSELF.

WELCOME TO "THE REPORT."

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US,

EVERYBODY.

NATION, IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE,

BUT THIS SUNDAY IS THE TENTH

ANNIVERSARY OF SEPTEMBER 11th

ATTACKS.

WHICH MEANS WE CAN'T BE MORE

THAN FIVE YEARS AWAY FROM

FINDING SADDAM'S WMDs.

[LAUGHTER]

SINCE THAT TRAGIC DAY, THE

AMERICAN GOVERNMENT HAS DONE

WHATEVER IS NECESSARY TO

SAFEGUARD THE HOME HASN'T FROM

ENHANCED INTERROGATION TO

INVENTING THE PHRASE "THE

HOMELAND."

[LAUGHTER]

WE EVEN TRIED TO FIND COMMON

GROUND WITH MUSLIM EXTREMISTS

BUT ELECTING ONE OF THEM

PRESIDENT.

[LAUGHTER]

OVER AND OVER... OVER AN OVER

THIS MAN HAS PROVEN THAT HE IS

NOT SERIOUS ABOUT KEEPING US

SAFE.

WHICH BRINGS US TO MY NEW

SEGMENT "THIS WEEK IN NATIONAL

SEC-OWARD-TY.

FOLKS, WHENEVER THE TERRORISTS

HAVE COME UP WITH A NEW WAY TO

ATTACK AAIR TRAVEL, THE TSA HAS

FOUND NEW AND INNOVATIVE WAYS TO

OVERREACT, SO TRAVELERS CAN THEN

RELAX AND ENJOY THEIR TWO-FOOT

BY TWO-FOOT SPACE NEXT TO A

CRYING BABY IN A PRESSUREIZED

TUBE HURDLING 40,000 FEET IN THE

AIR.

BUT ALL THIS SECURITY IS ABOUT

TO DISAPPEAR THANKS TO HOMELAND

SECURITY CHIEF JANET NAPOLITANO.

>> WE HOPE THAT WE WILL BE ABLE

TO MAKE IT EASIER FOR TRAVELERS.

YOU WON'T HAVE TO TAKE OFF SO

MUCH, YOUR SHOES, YOUR BELL,

EVERYTHING AS YOU GO THROUGH THE

MACHINE.

>> Stephen: WHAT?

IF WE DON'T TAKE OUR SHOES OFF,

HOW WILL WE KNOW WHICH LITTLE

PIGGY WENT WEE, WEE, WEE ALL THE

WAY TO AN AL QAEDA TRAINING

CAMP?

HAS NAPOLITANO FORGOTTEN ABOUT

THE SHOE BOMB CENTER HE'S NOT

JUST AN ISOLATED NUTD JOB.

ALL TERRORISTS HAVE WORN SHOES

AT SOME POINT.

THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLED SHOE-RIA

LAW.

AND THANKS TO OUR VIGILANCE, UP

UNTIL NOW AMERICA HASN'T

SUFFERED ANOTHER

FOOTWEAR-RELATED ACT OF WAR,

EXCEPT FOR JIMMY CHOO'S FALL

2011 PATENT LEATHER SANDAL PUMP,

WHICH DECLARED A JIHAD ON OUR

NOTIONS OF OPEN-TOWED ELEGANCE.

AND FOLKS, IT ONLY GETS WORSE.

BECAUSE OBAMA'S TSA IS

ABANDONING OUR MOST EFFECTIVE

WEAPON AGAINST TERROR, X-RAYING

YOUR JUNK.

JIM?

>> FORT WAYNE IS ONE OF 40

AIRPORTS IN THE COUNTRY GETTING

A TECHNOLOGY UPGRADE FOR ITS

BODY SCANNER.

>> THE NEW SOFTWARE CHANGES TWO

THINGS, FIRST WHAT THE SCANNED

IMAGE LOOKS LIKE.

THIS IS THE OLD ONE.

IT SHOWS A RENDERING OF THE

PERSON'S ACTUAL BODY ALONG WITH

ANY ANOMALIES.

THIS IS THE NEW ONE.

EVERYONE'S BODY IS THE GENERIC

RENDERING AND AUNTILLIES LIKE

SOMETHING IN YOUR POCKET SHOW UP

AS A JELL-O BLOCK.

-- YELLOW BLOCK.

>> Stephen: GREAT.

THIS WILL PROTECT US IF WE GET

ATTACKED BY THE GINGERBREAD MAN.

THE KEY TOOL, FOLKS, THE KEY

TOOL IN OUR NATIONAL SECURITY

PORTFOLIO IS GHOSTLY IMAGES OF

OUR PEE PEES.

IT IS EASY FOR TERRORISTS TO

DISGUISE THEIR FACIAL FEATURES,

BUT EVERYONE KNOWS THERE IS NO

DISGUISING YOUR CROTCH FACE.

EVERY GENITAL IS AS UNIQUE AS A

SNOWFLAKE.

SIDE NOTE: IF YOUR GENITALS ARE

SHAPED LIKE A SNOWFLAKE, SEE A

DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY.

NOW, FOLKS, WITHOUT FORCING US

TO TAKE OFF OUR SHOES AND

UNDERGOING FULL BODY SCAN, WHAT

IS TO STOP A TERRORIST FROM

BOARDING A PLANE WEARING A SHOE

BOMB ON HIS WANG?

[LAUGHTER]

DAMN.

THAT GUY'S WEARING A SIZE 13.

WHAT IS NEXT?

LETTING PEOPLE THROUGH SECURITY

WITH FOUR OUNCES OF SHAMPOO?

THE TERRORISTS WILL BE ABLE TO

RINSE AND REPEAT.

FOLKS, IN LIGHT OF OBAMA'S LAX

SECURITY STANDARDS, I AM NOW

CALLING ON ALL PASSENGERS TO

PROVE THAT YOU ARE SANE,

UNTHREATENING TRAVELERS BY DOING

WHAT I DO, GETTING COMPLETELY

NAKED IN THE AIRPORT SECURITY

LINE AND INVITE ANYONE IN

UNIFORM TO PROBE YOU WITH A

RUBBER GLOVE.

AND AGAIN, I WANT TO EXTEND MY

COURT-ORDERED APOLOGIES TO THE

COUNTER STAFF AT CINNABUN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NATION, THAT FROSTING IS HOT.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEY ARE VERY GENEROUS WITH

IT.

NATION...

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

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