Stop Sending Live Animals

  • Aired:  09/13/10
  •  | Views: 71,694

Colbert Nation members release a flock of doves as a sign that Stephen should hold a rally or at least bring a shotgun to work. (5:15)

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, PLEASE.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I WANT TO

THANK YOU FOR STAYING WITH US.

AND BY "US," I MEAN THOSE

AGAINST MY NEMESIS JON STEWART.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, HE MAY HAVE SHAVED OFF THE

GOATEE, BUT HE'S STILL EVIL.

JIMMY HAD AN EYE PATCH AND A

SCAR.

FOLKS, IT'S BAD ENOUGH HE STOLE

MY EMMY BY PULLING THE DIRTIEST

TRICK IN THE BOOK, PRODUCING A

CONSISTENTLY THOUGHTFUL AND

ENTERTAINING SHOW.

[BLEEPED] YOU.

SO THEN LAST WEEK HE REALLY

PUSHED MY BUTTONS BY MAKING AN

ANNOUNCEMENT THAT HE MAY MAKE AN

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT.

IN RETALIATION, I ANNOUNCED THAT

IF HE ANNOUNCED AN ANNOUNCEMENT,

I WOULD DENOUNCE HIS

ANNOUNCEMENT AND TROUNCE HIS

ANNOUNCEMENT.

YES.

AND ANNOUNCEMENT TROUNCEMENT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELL, I THOUGHT THAT SETTLED IT.

BUT THEN JOHN HAD THE GALL TO

ISSUE A RENOUNCEMENT OF MY

ANNOUNCEMENT PRONOUNCEMENT.

JIM.

>> Jon: OH, BIG TALK, COLBERT.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP

AGAINST?

IN HERE.

READY, BRAIN CAMERA ZOOM.

BRAIN CAMERA ZOOM.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

>> Stephen: TERRIFYING TO THIS

NETWORK'S LAWYERS, BECAUSE I'M

PRETTY SURE HE DIDN'T HAVE THE

RIGHTS TO SHOW ANY OF THAT MOVIE

FOOTAGE.

WELL, JON STEWART, IF THAT IS

YOUR NAME, AND IT'S NOT, NO ONE,

NO ONE CARES WHAT'S GOING ON

INSIDE YOUR HEAD.

AND EVEN FEWER CARE ABOUT WHAT'S

GOING ON INSIDE MINE, ESPECIALLY

ME.

THEY CARE WHAT'S HAPPENING IN MY

GUT.

SO JIMMY, JIMMY, SHOW HIM WHAT

HE'S UP AGAINST.

GUT CAM, GO!

HOT DOGS!

DOGS!

THAT'S HOW I DIGEST MY FOOD,

WITH KARATE.

AND, JON, AND, JON, IF THAT'S

HOW I TREAT DELICIOUS SMACK,

JUST IMAGINE WHAT I'LL DO TO

YOU.

IT'S YOUR MOVE, STEWART, BUT I'M

ALREADY THINKING FIVE MOVES

AHEAD, SO TECHNICALLY IT'S STILL

MY MOVE, WHICH BRINGS ME TO

SOMETHING WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT

BE RELATED TO MY UPCOMING

NOWMENTD.

LAST WEEK THERE WAS A CALL TO BE

INTERNET FOR ME TO HOLD RALLY IN

WASHINGTON, D.C.,, PROVING WHAT

I'VE ALREADY KNOWN, THE WORD

ACCOUNT MIME MEANS ME, ME.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

2348 BUT AS I TOLD YOU ALL

BEFORE, THIS DECISION IS NOT

JUST UP TO ME.

JIM.

>>ONLY GOD DECIDES RALLIES.

TO GET A GOOD GANDER ON THIS

GATHERING, I WOULD NEED MY OWN

GOD PIECE TO TELL ME TO HOLD A

RALLY.

AND SURE ENOUGH, THE GEESE HAVE

BEEN FLOCKING.

SOMEONE ON THE INTERNET SENT ME

A TOY GOOSE.

ACTUALLY, A LOT OF PEOPLE DID.

WHO WANTS ONE?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THEN THIS AFTERNOON, A MIRACLE

HAPPENED AT 5:00 MEMBERS OF THE

COLBERT NATION RELEASED A FLOCK

OF DOVES AS A SIGN THAT I SHOULD

HOLD A RALLY OR AS A SIGN THAT I

SHOULD ALWAYS BRING A SHOTGUN TO

WORK.

IT WAS BEAUTIFUL, FOLKS, SO I

HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO MAKE THIS

VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT.

SET YOUR TIVOS, WAKE YOUR

CHILDREN, AND CHANGE YOUR

FACEBOOK STATUS TO GOB SMACK

BECAUSE EVERYBODY WILL WANT TO

KNOW WHERE YOU WERE WHEN YOU

HEARD THIS BIG ANNOUNCEMENT.

NATION, TONIGHT I AM PROUD TO

ANNOUNCING THAT I AM GOING TO

ASK YOU TO STOP SENDING ME LIVE

ANIMALS.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, I BEG

YOU.

FIRST OF ALL, I'M FULL AND I'M

RUNNING OUT OF DOVE RECIPES.

APPARENTLY IT TAKES MORE THAN A

POPSICLE STICK AND A FREEZER TO

TURN ONE INTO A DOVE BAR.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AS FOR THE RALLY, I WAS GOING TO

MAKE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TONIGHT,

BUT I USED UP ALL MY TIME TO

TALK ABOUT THE DOVE, SO MY

ANNOUNCEMENT WILL BE ANNOUNCED

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