THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, PLEASE.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I WANT TO
THANK YOU FOR STAYING WITH US.
AND BY "US," I MEAN THOSE
AGAINST MY NEMESIS JON STEWART.
[LAUGHTER]
OH, HE MAY HAVE SHAVED OFF THE
GOATEE, BUT HE'S STILL EVIL.
JIMMY HAD AN EYE PATCH AND A
SCAR.
FOLKS, IT'S BAD ENOUGH HE STOLE
MY EMMY BY PULLING THE DIRTIEST
TRICK IN THE BOOK, PRODUCING A
CONSISTENTLY THOUGHTFUL AND
ENTERTAINING SHOW.
[BLEEPED] YOU.
SO THEN LAST WEEK HE REALLY
PUSHED MY BUTTONS BY MAKING AN
ANNOUNCEMENT THAT HE MAY MAKE AN
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT.
IN RETALIATION, I ANNOUNCED THAT
IF HE ANNOUNCED AN ANNOUNCEMENT,
I WOULD DENOUNCE HIS
ANNOUNCEMENT AND TROUNCE HIS
ANNOUNCEMENT.
YES.
AND ANNOUNCEMENT TROUNCEMENT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WELL, I THOUGHT THAT SETTLED IT.
BUT THEN JOHN HAD THE GALL TO
ISSUE A RENOUNCEMENT OF MY
ANNOUNCEMENT PRONOUNCEMENT.
JIM.
>> Jon: OH, BIG TALK, COLBERT.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP
AGAINST?
IN HERE.
READY, BRAIN CAMERA ZOOM.
BRAIN CAMERA ZOOM.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
>> Stephen: TERRIFYING TO THIS
NETWORK'S LAWYERS, BECAUSE I'M
PRETTY SURE HE DIDN'T HAVE THE
RIGHTS TO SHOW ANY OF THAT MOVIE
FOOTAGE.
WELL, JON STEWART, IF THAT IS
YOUR NAME, AND IT'S NOT, NO ONE,
NO ONE CARES WHAT'S GOING ON
INSIDE YOUR HEAD.
AND EVEN FEWER CARE ABOUT WHAT'S
GOING ON INSIDE MINE, ESPECIALLY
ME.
THEY CARE WHAT'S HAPPENING IN MY
GUT.
SO JIMMY, JIMMY, SHOW HIM WHAT
HE'S UP AGAINST.
GUT CAM, GO!
HOT DOGS!
DOGS!
THAT'S HOW I DIGEST MY FOOD,
WITH KARATE.
AND, JON, AND, JON, IF THAT'S
HOW I TREAT DELICIOUS SMACK,
JUST IMAGINE WHAT I'LL DO TO
YOU.
IT'S YOUR MOVE, STEWART, BUT I'M
ALREADY THINKING FIVE MOVES
AHEAD, SO TECHNICALLY IT'S STILL
MY MOVE, WHICH BRINGS ME TO
SOMETHING WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT
BE RELATED TO MY UPCOMING
NOWMENTD.
LAST WEEK THERE WAS A CALL TO BE
INTERNET FOR ME TO HOLD RALLY IN
WASHINGTON, D.C.,, PROVING WHAT
I'VE ALREADY KNOWN, THE WORD
ACCOUNT MIME MEANS ME, ME.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
2348 BUT AS I TOLD YOU ALL
BEFORE, THIS DECISION IS NOT
JUST UP TO ME.
JIM.
>>ONLY GOD DECIDES RALLIES.
TO GET A GOOD GANDER ON THIS
GATHERING, I WOULD NEED MY OWN
GOD PIECE TO TELL ME TO HOLD A
RALLY.
AND SURE ENOUGH, THE GEESE HAVE
BEEN FLOCKING.
SOMEONE ON THE INTERNET SENT ME
A TOY GOOSE.
ACTUALLY, A LOT OF PEOPLE DID.
WHO WANTS ONE?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THEN THIS AFTERNOON, A MIRACLE
HAPPENED AT 5:00 MEMBERS OF THE
COLBERT NATION RELEASED A FLOCK
OF DOVES AS A SIGN THAT I SHOULD
HOLD A RALLY OR AS A SIGN THAT I
SHOULD ALWAYS BRING A SHOTGUN TO
WORK.
IT WAS BEAUTIFUL, FOLKS, SO I
HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO MAKE THIS
VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT.
SET YOUR TIVOS, WAKE YOUR
CHILDREN, AND CHANGE YOUR
FACEBOOK STATUS TO GOB SMACK
BECAUSE EVERYBODY WILL WANT TO
KNOW WHERE YOU WERE WHEN YOU
HEARD THIS BIG ANNOUNCEMENT.
NATION, TONIGHT I AM PROUD TO
ANNOUNCING THAT I AM GOING TO
ASK YOU TO STOP SENDING ME LIVE
ANIMALS.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, I BEG
YOU.
FIRST OF ALL, I'M FULL AND I'M
RUNNING OUT OF DOVE RECIPES.
APPARENTLY IT TAKES MORE THAN A
POPSICLE STICK AND A FREEZER TO
TURN ONE INTO A DOVE BAR.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AS FOR THE RALLY, I WAS GOING TO
MAKE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TONIGHT,
BUT I USED UP ALL MY TIME TO
TALK ABOUT THE DOVE, SO MY
ANNOUNCEMENT WILL BE ANNOUNCED