The Supreme Court Rules on DOMA

  • Aired:  06/26/13
  •  | Views: 114,023

Following the Supreme Court's DOMA ruling, traditional marriage is as defenseless as a freshman frat pledge about to go through the spanking machine. (4:17)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE

REPORT.

THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

>> STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

tephen: THANK YOU, LADIES

AND GENTLEMEN.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TONIGHT,

OF COURSE, WE ARE BROADCASTING

LIVE FROM THE ALTERNATIVE STUDIO

I HAVE MOUNTED ON THE BELLY OF A

DIRIGIBLE SAILING HIGH OVER

INTERNATIONAL WATERS ALL TO

PROTECT US FROM THE HOT, SWEATY

MASS OF MAN MEAT THAT IS NO

DOUBT WRITHING OVER THE FACE OF

OUR ONCE GREAT NATION.

JIMMY, TELL 'EM WHY.

>> WE BEGIN WITH THIS BREAKING

NEWS FROM THE SUPREME COURT.

DOMA, THE DEFENSE OF MARRIAGE

ACT, RULED UNCONSTITUTIONAL.

>> DOMA A LAW THAT'S BEEN ON THE

BOOKS FOR 17 YEARS HAS BEEN

STRUCK DOWN IN A 5-4 RULING

WHICH MEANS COUPLES MARRIED IN

ONE OF THE STATES WHERE SAME-SEX

MARRIAGE IS LEGAL WILL HAVE THE

RIGHTS AND PROTECTIONS TO ARE

CURRENTLY PROVIDED TO

OPPOSITE-SEX MARRIED COUPLES

UNDER THE FEDERAL LAW.

>> THE DEFENSE OF MARRIAGE ACT

IS FINALLY DEAD AND GONE.

>> Stephen: THE DEFENSE OF

MARRIAGE ACT IS DEAD.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

TRADITIONAL... LIKE MY AUDIENCE,

I CLAP WHEN I'M AFRAID.

TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE IS NOW AS

DEFENSELESS AS A FRESHMAN FRAT

PLEDGE ABOUT TO GO THROUGH THE

SPANKING MACHINE.

SO STRAIGHT MARRIED PEOPLE,

LISTEN UP.

IF A GAY CHARGES YOUR MARRIAGE

YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO PUFF

YOURSELF UP, MAKE YOURSELF SEEM

BIGGER, TRY TO FRIGHTEN IT OFF

BY TALKING IN A FIRM, LOUD VOICE

ABOUT PLEATED DENIM OR JIMMY

BUFFET.

IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY.

IT WILL SCARE 'EM OFF.

FOLKS, I FOR ONE CANNOT BELIEVE

THE COURT THREW OUT DOMA.

IT WAS PASSED IN 1996 TO

GUARANTEE THAT TRADITIONAL

MARRIAGE WAS BETWEEN ONE MAN AND

ONE WOMAN FOR THE SACRED PURPOSE

OF GETTING BILL CLINTON

RE-ELECTED.

LISTEN, FOLKS, TO THEIR

SO-CALLED JUDICIAL REASONING.

>> DOMA IS UNCONSTITUTIONAL AS A

DEPRIVATION OF LIBERTY OF

PERSONS THAT IS PROTECTED UNDER

THE FIFTH AMENDMENT.

OH, PLEASE.

I FIND IT HARD TO BELIEVE THAT

THERE ARE AMENDMENTS AFTER THE

SECOND.

SOUNDS MADE UP.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YOU KNOW, FOLKS, YOU KNOW WHAT

THIS MEANS.

IF DOMA IS UNCONSTITUTIONAL,

THAT MEANS THE CONSTITUTION IS

GAY.

OF COURSE, I MEAN, NO REAL

SHOCKER.

IT WAS WRITTEN BY A BUNCH OF

DUDES IN WIGS AND TIGHTS IN THE

CITY OF BROTHERLY LOVE.

AND IT CALLS FOR A LEGISLATURE

THAT IS BI-CAP RAL?

THAT'S A BIT CURIOUS.

PLUS LOOK AT THAT AGED PARCHMENT

AND FANCY CALLIGRAPHY.

LOOKS LIKE A GAY WEDDING

INVITATION.

ON THE BACK, I BET IT ASKS YOU

TO CHECK SALMON OR VEGAN PAELLA.

THAT COULD BE NATIONAL TREASURE

3.

CALL ME, NICK CAGE.

WORST OF ALL, FOLKS, IN SETTLING

THIS GAY MARRIAGE CONTROVERSY,

THEY IN FACT SETTLED NOTHING.

>> THE THING ABOUT STRIKING DOWN

DOMA IS IT DOESN'T AFFECT ANY

STATE'S RIGHT TO BAN OR TO ALLOW

SAME SEX MARRIAGE.

>> WE HAVE MARRIAGE RIGHTS IN

CALIFORNIA.

WE'VE GOT MARRIAGE RIGHTS

OVERALL IN 12 STATES AND WE'VE

GOT FEDERAL MARRIAGE RIGHTS BUT

WE STILL HAVE UNEQUAL

RECOGNITION OF MARRIAGES IN 38

OTHER STATES SO WE DO HAVE A

VERY INTERESTING PATCHWORK

SYSTEM.

>> Stephen: THE SUPREMES REALLY

SCREWED THE POOCH HERE WHICH I'M

SURE IS ALSO LEGAL NOW.

HERE'S HOW IT WORKS.

YOU'RE MARRIED IN NEW YORK.

YOU'RE NOT MARRIED IN ALABAMA.

WHAT GIVES?

I'M AS CONFUSED AS A FRESHMAN

FRAT PLEDGE WHO REALLY ENJOYED

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