Blitzkrieg on Grinchitude - Pope Benedict XVI

  • Aired:  11/26/12
  •  | Views: 42,868

In his book "Jesus of Nazareth," Pope Benedict XVI proves that he has not read the Gospel of the Little Drummer Boy. (4:45)

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

PLEASE, IT'S GREETINGS LIKE THAT THAT MAKE ME WANT TO PUNCH A BABY IN THE FACE.

THAT IS ACTUALLY A NICER STORY THAN IT SOUNDS.

FOLKS, IF YOU ARE PAYING ATTENTION TO THE CALENDAR YOU KNOW CHRISTMAS IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.

YOU CAN TELL BECAUSE MY HOUSE IS ALREADY DECORATED FOR EASTER.

PRO TIP, HIDE CHICKENS NOW AND COME SPRING YOU'LL HAVE HIDDEN EGGS.

NOW FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH FOX NEWS YOU KNOW THAT THERE IS A WAR ON CHRISTMAS.

BUT ON "THE COLBERT REPORT" WE FIGHT BACK.

THIS IS THE BLITZKRIEG ON GRINCHITUDE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: NOW LADY ITS AND GENTLEMEN, EVERY CHRISTMAS HAS ITS SHARE OF YULE

LOGJAMMERS BUT THIS YEAR IT COMES FROM AN UNEXPECTED SOURCE.

POPE BENEDICT.

WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THIS GUY WAS A GRINCH.

IN HIS NEW BOOK JESUS OF FLAZ RHETT THE THE POPE CHALLENGES THE TRADITIONAL STORY OF CHRISTMAS.

FOR INSTANCE, HE WRITES THAT THE 6th CENTURY MONK WHO ESTABLISHED THE YEAR OF JESUS'S BIRTH MADE A MISTAKE

IN HIS CALCULATIONS BY SEVERAL YEARS.

THE ACTUAL DATE OF JESUS'S BIRTH WAS SEVERAL YEARS BEFORE.

BIG DEAL.

COME ON!

JESUS IS A CELEBRITY.

OF COURSE HE SHAVES A FEW YEARS OFF.

(LAUGHTER) ANYWAY, THAT JUST MEANS HE WAS ALMOST 40 AND HE STILL HAS THOSE ABS.

THAT IS AMIR AGO EL.

NOW THE POPE-- (APPLAUSE)

>> THE POPE ALSO WROTE THAT ANGEL SPOKE THE WORDS PROCLAIMING JESUS'S BIRTH

INSTEAD OF SINGING THEM.

SO APPARENTLY ACCORDING TO THE POPE, THE BIRTH OF OUR LORD DIDN'T SOUND LIKE THIS-- ♪

HALLELUJAH ♪ ♪.

>> Stephen: IT SOUNDED LIKE THIS.

>> HOW YOU DOIN?

>> Stephen: DOESN'T FEEL THE SAME.

(APPLAUSE) NOW AS A LIFELONG CATHOLIC I HAVE STOOD BY THE CHURCH DURING ITS VARIOUS TRIALS

AND PUBLIC TRIBLATIONS.

9 DEBATE OVER BIRTH CONTROL, THE ROLE OF WOMEN IN THE CHURCH.

AND A THIRD CONTROVERSY I'VE TAKEN DRUGS TO FORGET.

BUT FRANKLY I GOT NATIVE TEED OFF WHEN THE POPE WROTE THAT ALTHOUGH IT'S CLEAR JESUS WAS BORN IN A MANAGER,

THERE IS NO MENTION OF ANIMALS IN THE GOSPEL.

NO ANIMALS IN THE MANAGER?

WHO DIED AND MADE YOU POPE?

OH, ANOTHER POPE, OKAY, WELL THAT'S-- THAT'S CONVENIENT.

WELL, APPARENTLY THE POPE HAS NOT READ THE GOSPEL OF THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY.

WHERE IT IS WRITTEN, QUOTE, MARY NODDED PA RUM PUM PUM PUM, THE OX AND LAMB KEPT

TIME, PA RUM PUM PUM PUM.

THE OX AND THE LAMB ARE THE RHYTHM SECTION.

IF THE OX AND THE LAMB AREN'T THERE, WHO'S KEEPING TIME, MARY?

SHE'S BUSY NODDING.

IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

WHAT ELSE WASN'T IN THE MANAGER, NO RED NOSED REINDEER, NO MER-- MARY KISSING SANTA CLAUS, NO

FROSTY THE SNOWMAN SING CATCH ME IF YOU CAN.

HEY, YOUR HOLINESS, YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS NEVER MENTIONED IN THE BIBLE?

THE POPE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) LET ME DOUBLE-CHECK HERE, POPE, POPE, POPE, POPE, POPE, NOPE.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU KNOW WHAT, JUST BECAUSE IT'S NOT IN HERE, I

STILL BELIEVE THAT THERE IS A POPE.

AND EVEN IF YOU WERE TRYING TO BUZZ STOMP MY YULETIDE BARN YARD, I WILL STILL LEAVE OUT MILK AND COOKIES

FOR YOU.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Loading...