Oil Containment Solution Randomizer

  • Aired:  05/10/10
  •  | Views: 98,946

Stephen offers BP ways to shut off the geyser in the Gulf with his Oil Containment Solution Randomizer. (4:48)

NATION, THANK YOU, FOLKS.

YOU KNOW, LIKE MANY PEOPLE, I AM JUST SICK ABOUT THIS ONGOING EFFORT TO SHUT OFF THAT OIL

GEYSER IN THE GULF.

THE MUCH-HYPED FOUR-STORY STEEL HOOD, WHICH WORKERS TRIED TO INSTALL OVER THE LEAK THIS

WEEKEND, WAS NOT A SUCCESS.

BUT B.P. IS CHOOSING TO SEE THIS DARK CLOUD'S OILY RAINBOW LINING.

>> I WOULDN'T SAY IT'S FAILED YET.

WHAT I WOULD SAY IS WHAT WE ATTEMPTED TO DO LAST NIGHT DIDN'T WORK.

[LAUGHTER]

>> OKAY.

IT HASN'T FAILED.

IT HAS NOT FAILED.

JUST LIKE I WOULDN'T SAY OIL HAS SPILLED.

IT JUST DIDN'T STAY IN THE RIG.

NOW, THEY COULD TRY A NUCLEAR OPTION, LITERALLY.

THE RUSSIANS HAVE SUGGESTED A SOLUTION THEY'VE USED FIVE TIMES, WHICH IS TO CAP THE OIL

LEAK BY DETONATING AN UNDERGROUND NUCLEAR WARHEAD.

OF COURSE, THE ONLY DOWNSIDE TO THAT PLAN IS THAT IT MIGHT UNLEASH A MUTANT CRAB ARMY ON TO

THE STREETS OF NEW ORLEANS.

[LAUGHTER]

AND YOU DO NOT WANT GIANT PINCHERS AROUND THAT MANY EXPOSED NIPPLES.

NO.

NO!

THAT CRAB HAD QUITE A FEW BEADS.

DID YOU SEE HOW MANY?

HE'S HAVING MUCH MORE FUN THAN I EVER HAD.

CREATIVE THINKING IS WHAT AMERICA DOES BEST.

AS MICHAEL BYRD, A MANAGER AT THE HOUSTON SPILL HEADQUARTERS SAID OF THIS LOOMING

CATASTROPHE, "IT'S BEEN A LOT OF FUN DOING THIS WORK." THAT'S THE SPIRIT.

SOME SEE THE GLASS AS HALF EMPTY.

HE SEES THE GLASS AS HALF FULL... OF CRUDE OIL AND DEAD FISH.

>> NOW THERE'S ANOTHER UNEXPECTED MATERIAL THAT'S HELPING THE CAUSE, HAY.

WALTON COUNTY EMERGENCY MANAGEMENT SAYS IT WILL SPRAY HAY INTO THE GULF.

THE HAY WILL STICK TO THE OIL AND MAKE IT EASIER TO REMOVE.

>> HAIR FROM HUMANS AND EVEN FROM DOGS HAS SCALES ON IT WHICH

CAN TRAP OIL, BUT NOT WATER, AND HARD STUFFED INTO PANTYHOSE CREATES A PROTECTIVE BOOM.

>> THERE IS ANOTHER AND IT INVOLVES LLAMAS.

THE ANIMAL'STHY, FURRY COATS ARE GREAT FOR ABSORBING OIL.

>> Stephen: WHOOPS.

OKAY.

THOSE ARE A LITTLE CRAZY.

LET'S GET SERIOUS FOR A MINUTE HERE AND CHECK IN WITH WHAT THE PROS HAVE PLANNED.

>> THE COAST GUARD HAS AN IDEA TO STUFF SHREDDED TIRES AND GOLF

BALLS INTO THE GUSHER TO TRY TO PLUG IT.

>> Stephen: OH.

SO NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE [BLEEP]

THEY'RE DOING.

IT'S PLAY TIME IN THE WORLD OF IMAGINATION.

WELL, FOLKS, I WANT IN.

SO BRITISH PETROLEUM, I AM HAPPY TO PRESENT "STEPHEN COLBERT'S OIL CONTAINMENT SOLUTION

RANDOMIZER."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ISN'T THAT BEAUTIFUL?

IS THAT GOOD?

YOU LIKE THAT RIGHT THERE?

THAT IS BEAUTIFUL.

OH, HERE WE GO.

HERE'S MY BABY RIGHT THERE.

THIS IT IS.

OKAY.

IT HAS THREE CATEGORIES.

HOW THE PLUG IS PREPARED OUT HERE, WHAT THE PLUG IS IN THE MIDDLE, AND HOW IT'S DELIVERED

TO THE SPEWING WELL HEAD ON THE OCEAN FLOOR.

SO LET'S GIVE IT A WHIRL.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHT.

OUR FIRST SOLUTION IS WE WILL USE BREADED JUGALOOS DELIVERED BY TRAINED DOLPHINS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHT.

LET'S GO AGAIN.

W OO OOO.

NEXT UP IT WILL BE ULTRA CONCENTRATED PACKING PEANUTS DELIVERED BY MONKEY SUBMARINES.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SHALL WE DO ANOTHER?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHT.

THEY LOVE THE RANDOMIZER.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ROUND AND ROUND SHE GOES.

HOW YOU SOLVE THE PROBLEM NOBODY KNOWS.

ALL RIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

IT WILL BE BUNDLED USED FUTONS DELIVERED BY LET'S SAY THE HOT

CHICK FROM "MYTHBUSTERS."

[APPLAUSE]

AND B.P., THESE ARE ALL FREE.

AND IF NONE OF THOSE WORK, AND IT TAKES YOU 90 DAYS TO DRILL A RELIEF WELL, WELL, I'M SURE THE

PEOPLE OF THE GULF COAST WILL HAVE ALL SORTS OF IDEAS OF WHAT||||

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