Record Powerball Jackpot

  • Aired:  11/28/12
  •  | Views: 41,408

After he wins the record lotto prize, Stephen will no longer have to slave away for the man 30 minutes a day, four days a week. (4:34)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE "REPORT" EVERYBODY, GOOD TO HAVE

YOU WITH US.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN") THANK YOU SO MUCH, PLEASE SIT DOWN!

LET'S GET TO OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT.

TELEVISION HOST STEPHEN COLBERT HAS ANNOUNCED HIS RESIGNATION FROM "THE COLBERT REPORT"

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY.

(LAUGHTER) BECAUSE, FOLKS, I AM STINKING FILTHY RICH!

(LAUGHTER) JIMMY, TELL THEM WHY!

>> POWER BAVL SALES ARE SKYROCKETING, UPPING BOTH THE JACKPOT AND THE ODDS THAT

SOMEBODY WILL ACTUALLY WIN THE BIG PRIZE TONIGHT.

IT SITS AT $550 MILLION.

>> Stephen: $550 MILLION!

SUCK MY POWERBALL!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) JIMMY, PLAY MY JAM.

♪ YOU'RE A RICH GIRL AND YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR ♪ BECAUSE YOU KNOW IT DON'T MATTER ANYWAY -- ♪

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) ♪ YOU CAN RELY ON THE OLD MAN'S MONEY -- ♪ >> Stephen: NOW -- (LAUGHS) WHOO!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) NOW I KNOW THAT LOTTO MONEY IS GOING TO BE MINE, OKAY?

EVEN THOUGH THE DRAWING HASN'T HAPPENED YET, EVEN THOUGH THE ODDS OF WINNING ARE 175 MILLION

TO ONE.

BECAUSE I BOUGHT 175 MILLION TICKETS.

(LAUGHTER) AND I'M GUARANTEED TO WIN, BECAUSE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE BABIES HAS THE EXACT SAME

LUCKY NUMBERS.

(LAUGHTER) ALL RIGHT?

SO IT'S IN THE BANK.

I AM MEGARICH!

NO MORE SLAVING AWAY FOR THE MAN 30 MINUTES A DAY FOUR DAYS A WEEK.

(LAUGHTER) LOOK, IT'S BEEN A GREAT RUN, IT'S BEEN FUN, BUT LET'S FACE IT I'M NOT DOING THIS SHOW FOR MY HEALTH!

JUST LOOK AT ANY PICTURE OF ME FROM SEVEN YEARS AGO.

(LAUGHTER) NOW I CAN AFFORD TO BUILD A TIME MACHINE AND GO BACK AND WARN THAT GUY NOT TO DO THIS SHOW!

WE'RE DYING!

(LAUGHTER) ANYWAY, CALL YOUR FRIENDS BECAUSE THE PARTAY IS GOING TO BE BUMPING IN MY NEW MANSION!

WE'VE GOT TWO POOLS: ONE SHAPED LIKE THE SQUIRREL FROM "ICE AGE 2" ONE SHAPED LIKE THE SQUIRREL

FROM "ICE AGE 3." (LAUGHTER) I GOT A BASKETBALL COURT IN EVERY ROOM.

WEEKENDS I PAY YAO MING TO GO ONE ON ONE AGAINST MING THE MERCILESS.

MING ON MING!

AND I'M NEVER GOING TO BE LONELY AGAIN BECAUSE MY HOUSE IS FILLED WITH COUSINS I'VE NEVER HEARD OF

WHO NEED MONEY.

OF COURSE THEY'RE FAMILY, I WANT THEM GET BACK ON THEIR FEET AFTER THEIR RELEASE.

(LAUGHTER) AND THE DRUGS, OH, PRIMO URUGUAYIAN ELECTRIC POP ROCK.

(LAUGHTER) OF COURSE, ALL THOSE DRUGS MAKE ME PARANOID THAT THOSE FRIENDS WHO KEEP SHOWING UP DON'T REALLY

CARE ABOUT ME, JUST ABOUT MY SQUIRREL POOL.

(LAUGHTER) SO I'LL START GAMBLING, PLAYING THE PONIES.

AND NOT JUST UPCOMING RACES BUT ALSO PAST RACES.

OH, GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE I LOST $320 20-MILLION ON THE 1982 BELMONT STAKES!

CURSE YOU, CRYSTAL SINS!

(LAUGHTER) NOW THE MONEY'S DRYING UP, PEOPLE DON'T COME AROUND ANYMORE.

MY WIFE AND MY KIDS DON'T RECOGNIZE ME BECAUSE I PAID COSMETIC SURGEONS TO MAKE ME

LOOK LIKE AN OLSON TWIN.

(LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) SO MY FAMILY WALKS OUT ON ME.

BUT THAT'S OKAY, I GOT THAT NEW GIRLFRIEND, CINNAMON.

AND SHE LOVES ME FOR ME, MONEY.

(LAUGHTER) AND SHE LEAVES ME FOR MING THE MERCILESS!

HOW COULD YOU DO ME LIKE, THAT MING?

BROS BEFORE HOS!

OH, MY GOD, HOW HAS MY LIFE COME TO THIS?

I WISH I'D NEVER WON THE LOTTO.

(LAUGHTER) I DIDN'T WIN.

OH.

OH, GOD, THANK GOD.

OKAY, BACK TO THE SALT MINE.

(LAUGHTER) FROM NOW ON, NO MORE STUPID

Loading...