Sequestration & Obama's Sci-Fi Flub

  • Aired:  03/04/13
  •  | Views: 37,456

The federal government goes on a diet by shaving off two percent everywhere, and President Obama mixes up "Star Wars" and "Star Trek." (3:43)

[CHEERS AND APPL Captioning sponsored by COMEDY CENTRAL

[CROWD CHANTING STEPHEN [[.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Stephen: WHOO!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELCOME TO THE REPORT.

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

FOLKS, PLEASE, SIT DOWN, WE HAVE TO GET TO THE SHOW.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NATION, THE DREADED 2% ACROSS THE BOARD SEQUESTRATION CUTS KICKED IN LAST FRIDAY.

AND I SAY IT'S GOOD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S TIME TO PUT THE GOVERNMENT ON A DIET.

[LAUGHTER]

AND JUST LIKE A REAL DIET, THE BEST WAY TO LOSE WEIGHT IS TO TAKE A CHEESE GRATER AND JUST

SHAVE OFF 2% EVERYWHERE.

[LAUGHTER]

LOOKS GOOD.

LOOKS GOOD.

NO ONE IS GOING TO RECOGNIZE YOU AT YOUR HIGH SCHOOL REUNION.

[ LAUGHTER ]

FOLKS, FORCING OBAMA TO ADDRESS THE NATIONAL DEBT IS A MORAL ISSUE.

IF WE DON'T CUT EXPENSIVE THINGS LIKE HEAD START, CHILDHOOD NUTRITION PROGRAMS,

TEACHERS, AND STUDENT LOANS, WHAT SORT OF FUTURE ARE WE LEAVING FOR OUR CHILDREN?

[LAUGHTER]

AND WE KNOW AUSTERITY DURING ECONOMIC DOWNTURNS WORKS.

JUST LOOK AT EUROPE.

[LAUGHTER]

IF YOU CAN SEE IT THROUGH THE TEAR GAS.

[LAUGHTER]

MANY OF THOSE COUNTRIES STILL EXIST.

[LAUGHTER]

OF COURSE, EVERYBODY'S PLAYING THE BLAME GAME.

I BLAME OBAMA FOR THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BECAUSE THIS MAN WILL NOT TAKE THAT BLAME LIKE A MAN.

>> AND I KNOW THIS HAS BEEN SOME OF THE CONVENTIONAL WISDOM THAT'S BEEN FLOATING AROUND

WASHINGTON THAT SOMEHOW EVEN THOUGH MOST PEOPLE AGREE THAT I'M BEING REASONABLE, THAT MOST

PEOPLE AGREE I'M PRESENTING A FAIR DEAL THE FACT THAT THEY DON'T TAKE IT MEANS THAT I

SHOULD SOMEHOW, YOU KNOW, DO A JEDI MIND MELD WITH THESE FOLKS AND CONVINCE THEM TO DO WHAT'S RIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Stephen: WHAT?

DID YOU HEAR THAT?

A JEDI "MIND MELD?" HE MIXED UP THE JEDI MIND TRICK WITH THE VULCAN MIND MELD!

[LAUGHTER]

WHO MAKES THAT MISTAKE?

THE TWO ARE AS DIFFERENT AS GOOD KIRK AND EVIL KIRK FROM MIRROR MIRROR.

SEASON TWO, EPISODE 4.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]

BHI THE WAY I KNOW IT'S NOT FROM MIRROR, MIRROR.

FOLKS, NO LETTERS.

[LAUGHTER]

FOLKS, FORGET BENGHAZI GATE.

THIS IS BEN KENOBI GATE!

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT'S NEXT, PRESIDENT OBAMA?

HOLDING THE MAJQA' KLINGON RITE OF PASSAGE ON YAVIN 4?

[LAUGHTER]

DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT PLANET YAVIN 4 IS?

[LAUGHTER]

TRICK QUESTION!

IT'S NOT A PLANET!

IT'S A MOON!

[LAUGHTER]

YOU'RE SUCH A GORN.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT OBAMA'S SCI-FI FLUB, SHOULD BE THE GOP'S GAIN.

AFTER ALL, REPUBLICANS AND NERDS HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY BOTH LIVE IN FANTASY WORLDS AND HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO RELATE TO WOMEN --

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]