Sport Report - From Russia With Love (But No Gay Stuff) - U.S. Speedskating Team

  • Aired:  02/11/14
  •  | Views: 79,497

Self-avowed man's man Buddy Cole grooms the U.S. speedskating team for Olympic greatness and coaches them on how to avoid appearing gay. (8:21)

NOW FOLKS, I COULD NOT MAKEIT OVER TO SOCHI BECAUSE MY

DOCTOR SAID I DON'T WANT TO.

SO I AM SENDING SOMEONE ELSETO BE MY EYES AND MY EARS

AND TO A LESSER EXTENT, MYNOSE.

PLEASE WELCOME MY OLD FRIENDAND LONG TIME PRODUCER BUDDY

COLE.

BUDDY, THANKS SO MUCH MOREBEING HERE.

GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

(APPLAUSE)SO GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT.

>> BUDDY, BUDDY, BUDDY!

BUDDY, BUDDY, BUDDY!

>> Stephen: BUDDY FEVER.

>> IT.

>> Stephen: THANKS FOR BEINGHERE, MAN.

>> THANK YOU, STEPHEN, THEPLEASURE IS ALL MINE.

>> Stephen: NOW BUDDY, YOUFOE GAY RIGHTS ACTIVISTS ARE

UP IN ARMS OVER RUSSIA'SANTI-HOMOSEXUAL PROPAGANDA

LAWS.

BUT THESE LAWS ARE SO VAGUE.

THAT POLICE CAN ARRESTANYONE THEY SUSPECT AS BEING

GAY.

NOW OF COURSE I DONE WORRYABOUT SENDING YOU.

YOU ARE A REAL MAN'S MAN.

>> GUILTY AS CHARGED.

>> Stephen: POUND IT, YOUDOG.

(LAUGHTER)ALL RIGHT.

NOW FOLKS, BUT I AM WORRIEDABOUT MY FRIENDS ON THE

SPEED SKATING TEAM, BUDDY.

HOW DO WE KEEP THEM SAFE?

>> WELL, STEVEN, LAST NIGHTI LEARNED.

ALL ABOUT THIS ANTI-GAY LAWSWHEN I SAT DOWN WITH AN

AMBASSADOR OF SOMETHING.

I DON'T KNOW, HE SEEMEDNICE.

AND TONIGHT I WANT TO SHARETHAT ADVICE WITH THE U.S.

SPEED SKATING TEAM.

>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, LET'STALK I LOOK, BUDDY?

>> STEPHEN.

>> Stephen: JIM.

>> "THE COLBERT REPORT"PRESENTS A SPORT REPORT

EXCLUSIVE, FROM RUSSIA WITHLOVE.

>> BUT NO GAY STUFF.

>> DOUBLE O 14.

>> WITH ME, BUDDY COLE.

>> I TRAVELED TO BEAUTIFULSALT LAKE CITY TO MEET WITH

THE U.S. SPEED SKATING TEAMBEFORE REALIZING IT WAS 12

MILES AWAY AT THE OLYMPIC INKEARNS, UTAH.

>> LET'S GET TO KNOW EACHOTHER.

MY NAME IS BUDDY COLE ANDI'VE BEEN SENT HERE BY

STEPHEN COLBERT TO HELP YOUFELLAS AVOID APPEARING GAY

AND GETTING ARRESTED INRUSSIA.

ARE ANY OF YOU GENTLEMENAWARE OF THESE ANTI-GAY LAWS

THAT RUSSIA HAS PASSED.

>> YEAH, WE'RE AWARE OF WHATHAS BEEN GOING ON IN RUSSIA.

BUT HONESTLY, YOU KNOW,WE'VE BEEN TRAINING SO MUCH

AND CONCENTRATING ON OURTRAINING,.

>> NO TIME FOR GAY SEX.

>> IS THERE ANYONE ON YOURTEAM THAT MIGHT BE A LITTLE

ANTI-GAY LAW CURIOUS.

>> I DON'T THINK SO.

>> SO YOU DON'T KNOW ANYSPEED SKATERS THAT ARE GAY?

DO YOU KNOW ANY FIGURESKATERS THAT ARE STRAIGHT?

>> NO, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

RIDICULOUS, OF COURSE NOT.

>> WHY ARE THERE NO WOMEN ONTHE MEN'S SPEED SKATING TEAM,

THAT SEEMS VERY GAY.

>> WELL, THEY HAVE A WOMEN'STEAM TOO.

>> OH.

IS SPEED SKATING A CHOICE ORWERE YOU BORN A SPEED SKATER?

>> YOU'RE BORN A SPEEDSKATER.

>> SO YOU WERE BORN A SPEEDSKATER.

>> YES.

>> WAS'S YOUR NAME.

>> KYLE CARR I'M SHORTTRACK.

I DO SHORT TRACK.

>> YOU ARE A SHORT TRACKER.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, KYLE,IT'S A LITTLE COLD IN HERE.

>> TELL ME A LITTLE BITABOUT YOURSELF, WHERE ARE

YOU FROM.

>> I'M FROM TEXAS.

>> TEXAS, VERY HETEROSEXUALBUT I READ IN YOUR CV THAT

YOU SPENT SOME TIME INFRANCE.

>> YES, I DID, YES.

>> OOH.

I WOULD DEEMPHASIZE THEFRANCE, MORE TEXAS, LESS

FRANCE.

>> WHAT'S YOUR STORY, WHATARE YOU ALL ABOUT.

>> FROM WASHINGTON.

>> WHAT IS WITH THIS BIEBERHAIRCUT.

IT'S A LITTLE LESBIAN.

THIS IS FUNNY, THIS ISSERIOUS, BOYS.

>> NOW I WAS READING IN YOURBIO THAT YOU HAD A PRETTY

NASTY INJURY, TELL ME ALLABOUT THAT.

>> CUT MY LEG FOUR YEARSAGO.

I PUT THE FRONT OF MY RIGHTBLADE INTO MY LEG.

>> SO YOU HAVE LIKE A BIGMANLY SCAR ON YOUR INNER

THIGH.

>> I DO, I SHOW IT OFF ALLTHE TIME.

>> CHICKS DIG SCARS, RIGHT.

YOU BOYS KNOW THAT.

OH, I AM COVERED WITH SCARS.

I'VE GOT HUNDREDS OF THEM.

SOME OF THEM PHYSICAL.

>> ALVAREZ, SHORT TRACK SPEEDSKATER FROM

FLORIDA.

>> YOU DON'T SEE A LOT OFGONZALEZES ON THE ICE, DO

YOU,.

>> ALVAREZ.

>> OR ALVAREZES.

OH, IT SAYS HERE JORDAN.

>> YES.

>> YOU ARE AN INVENTOR.

>> I DID CREATE SOME THINGS.

>> WHAT DID YOU INVENT.

>> I MADE THE TIPS THAT WEUSE ON OUR GLOVES SO YOUR

FINGERS DON'T RUB ON YOUREYES.

>> SO YOUR DELICATE FINGERSDON'T GET ALL SCRATCHED BY

THE ICE.

SO IT SOUNDS TO ME THAT WHATYOU INVENTED WAS FINGERTIP

CONDOMS.

>> SLIGHTLY TOUGHER THANTHAT.

>> SO WHAT METALS ARE YOUGUYS HOPING TO WIN.

>> GOLD.

>> AND WHAT DO YOU HAVE TODO TO WIN GOLD?

>> WIN.

>> WIN!

EXACTLY.

THAT'S THE RIGHT ANSWER.

YOU KNOW THOUGH, HERE'S THETHING, ANYONE CAN WIN GOLD,

RIGHT, ANYONE.

ALL YOU HAVE TO TO DO IS BETHE BEST IN THE WORLD.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, REALWINNING IS IN THE FACE.

YOU ALL WANT TO BE GOLDMEDAL WINNERS BUT ARE YOU

READY TO BE STARS?

IT'S ALL IN THE FACE LIKEHERE'S ME, LISTEN, I'M

CROSSING THE FINISH LINE.

I'VE GOT SOME RIDICULOUSSOUTH KOREAN BEHIND ME

BECAUSE I HATE THOSE SOUTHKOREANS.

HE'S JUST BEHIND ME AND THEN ICRASH THROUGH THE TAPE.

(APPLAUSE)CAN I SEE YOUR WINNING GOLD

MEDAL FACES.

COME ON, NOW!

EXACTLY!

THIS HAS BEEN GREAT.

BUT LET'S HEAD OUT ON TO THEICE TO MAKE SURE THAT I KEEP

YOU AS SAFE AS POSSIBLE ATTHE SOCHI OLYMPICS.

>> MOVE IT.

TO TRULY UNDERSTANDTHE TEAM I KNEW I HAD TO

WALK A MILE IN THEIR SHOESOR AT LEAST SKATE A

KILOMETER IN THEIR SPANDEX.

KILOMETER IN THEIR SPANDEX.

>> I'LL BE IN, WITH YOU IN ASECOND.

KEEP SKATING.

KEEP SKATING.

OKAY.

>> OH!

I'M FINE!

I'M GOOD.

OH MY GOODNESS.

WOULD YOU GRAB MY TAIL.

>> THEY CLEARLY KNEW HOW TOICE CONGA AND THAT WAS

PERFECTLY BUTCH.

AS WAS THE RELAY HANDOFF.

BUT THERE WAS NO HIDING THEFACT THAT THEIR TIGHTS

SCREAMED GAY PROPAGANDA.

I HAD TO FIND A WAY TO MAKETHEM LESS ATTRACTIVE.

FANNIE PACKS.

DAMMIT, NOT EVEN DOCKERSCOULD DAMPEN THOSE FIERY

THIGHS.

FINALLY I HAD TO RESORT TOGAY KRYPTONITE, CROCS.

>> THAT'S BETTER.

>> OH, THAT'S FANTASTIC.

YOU LOOK HIDEOUS.

HETEROSEXUALITY ACHIEVED.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: GREAT REPORT,

BUDDY.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Stephen: YOU DID IT AGAIN.

I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE OUTIN THE FIELD DO WHAT THIS

GUY DOES.

YOU'RE AMAZING.

>> THANKS.

>> Stephen: GREAT REPORT,BUDDY.

>> WELL, I CERTAINLY ENJOYEDIT.

>> NOW REMEMBER FOLKS IF YOUWANT TO SUPPORT THE U.S.

SPEED SKATING TEAM TO GOINGTO COLBERTNATION.COM TO

GET YOUR OFFICIAL COLBERTNATIONSPEED SKATING SHIRT ALL

PROCEEDS GO DIRECTLY TO THETEAM.

LET'S HEAR IT FOR BUDDY,BUDDY, BUDDY!

BUDDY, BUDDY, BUDDY!

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