Formidable Opponent - Pakistan

  • Aired:  06/30/11
  •  | Views: 45,923

Stephen wants to give Pakistan an ultimatum to stop supporting terror or lose American aid, but Stephen doesn't think Stephen should choose his friends for him. (4:59)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYONE.

THANK YOU.

FOLKS, SPEAKING OF PACS,

RECENTLY PAKISTAN'S

INTELLIGENCE SERVICE

ARRESTED THE MEMBERS OF

THEIR OWN ORGANIZATION WHO

HAD HELPED US FIND OSAMA BIN

LADEN.

THIS IS RENEWED CALLS TO CUT

OFF THE BILLIONS IN AID WE

GIVE TO PAKISTAN EVERY YEAR.

NOW OTHERS SAY THAT MONEY

KEEPS PAKISTAN A STABLE AND

IMPORTANT ALLY IN THE WAR ON

TERROR.

SO WHAT SHOULD WE DO?

WELL, AN ISSUE THIS COMPLEX

CAN ONLY BE TACKLED WITH

SOMEONE WITH A KEEN MIND AND

VAST INTERNATIONAL

EXPERIENCE.

ME, STEPHEN COLBERT.

THIS IS FORMIDABLE OPPONENT.

STEPHEN, THANKS FOR COMING.

ANYTHING FOR YOU, BUDDY.

>> AFTER ALL, WE ARE

PARTNERS IN THE WAR ON

TERROR.

>> Stephen: YES, WE ARE.

>> Stephen: I SAID PARTNERS

IN THE WAR ON TERROR.

>> Stephen: OH, SORRY, I

WASN'T LISTENING, I'M SORRY.

THERE YOU GO.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: OKAY, IT'S ALL

THERE.

AND OH, YEAH, ONE ROCKET

LAUNCHER.

YOU DIDN'T GET THIS FROM ME.

>> Stephen: DIDN'T GET WHAT?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: STEPHEN, HOW CAN

WE KEEP PAYING PAKISTAN?

THEY ARRESTED EVERYTHING WHO

HELPED US.

THERE COULD BE NO DOUBT NOW

THAT THEY WERE HARBORING

OSAMA BIN LADEN.

>> ALLEGEDLY HE WAS IN A

MANSION NEXT TO THEIR

MILITARY ACADEMY.

IF THEY WEREN'T COMPLICITY,

THEY WERE INCOMPETENT.

>> Stephen: NOT NECESSARILY.

THEY COULD BE INCOME

PET-ELICIT.

WHERE YOU ARE HELPING THE

ENEMIES BUT ARE REALLY BAD

AT IT.

ALL THE SUPPLY LINES TO

AFGHANISTAN RUN THROUGH

PAKISTAN.

>> Stephen: WHO CARES, THAT

WAR IS UNWINNABLE.

>> Stephen: YES, BUT WITHOUT

THEIR HELP, WE CAN'T KEEP

FIGHTING IT.

>> Stephen: THE POINT IS,

THEY ARE A NUCLEAR POWER

THEREFORE WE NEED THEIR

FRIENDSHIP.

>> Stephen: FRIENDSHIP, THEY

FUNDED THE MUMBAI ATTACKS

MUCH.

THE TIMES SQUARE BOMBING WAS

PLANNED IN PAKISTAN.

AND THEY SOLD NUCLEAR

TECHNOLOGY TO IRAN AND NORTH

KOREA IN THE '90s.

>> Stephen: OH, THE '90s.

LET'S STAY ANGRY ABOUT

FURBIES AN PARACHUTE PANTS.

LOOK, WE NEED TO GIVE THEM

AN ULTIMATUM.

STOP SUPPORTING TERROR OR NO

MORE AID.

>> Stephen: EASY NOW, BUDDY.

THIS IS A PARTNERSHIP, JUST

LIKE YOU AND ME.

WE'RE PARTNERS.

BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU

GET TO DECIDE WHO MY OTHER

FRIENDS ARE.

>> Stephen: I JUST THINK

JILL'S A PITCH.

>> Stephen: WE'RE NOT HAVING

THIS CONVERSATION AGAIN.

>> Stephen: THE POINT IS,

SOME OF MY OTHER FRIENDS

LIKE TO DO THINGS THAT YOU

DON'T LIKE TO DO.

LIKE SKIING, OR TRYING TO

KILL YOU.

>> Stephen: BUT THAT HAS

NOTHING TO DO WITH OUR

FRIENDSHIP.

>> Stephen: WAIT, ONE OF

YOUR FRIENDS WANTS TO KILL

ME?

>> Stephen: NO.

>> Stephen: YAY, ME, STEPHEN

ALBERT.

>> Stephen: WAIT, WHERE DID

HE COME FROM.

>> Stephen: WELL, HE WAS

STANDING NEXT TO ME BUT I

WAS NOT HIDING HIM.

I JUST DIDN'T NOTICE OR WAS

HIDING HIM.

>> Stephen: I WANT TO KILL

YOU FOR YOUR FREEDOM.

>> Stephen: WELL THIS IS

AWKWARD.

>> Stephen: YEAH, I'M NOT

GIVING YOU ANY MORE MONEY.

>> Stephen: WHAT?

YOU MIGHT GIVE IT TO HIM.

>> Stephen: YES, GIVE IT TO

ME.

YOU KNOW C-4 EXPLOSIVE, THEY

JUST RELEASED C-5.

>> Stephen: DON'T WORRY.

I WON'T GIVE IT TO HIM AS

LONG AS YOU KEEP GIVING ME

MONEY.

>> Stephen: I'M NOT GOING TO

DO THAT.

>> Stephen: WELL, I'VE GOT

TO GET MONEY FROM SOMEWHERE.

YOU WANT TO BUY A ROCKET

LAUNCHER.

>> Stephen: OH, YES, I CAN

PAY YOU IN CASH, DIAMOND OR

DAUGHTERS.

>> Stephen: NO, NO, FINE,

FINE.

HERE.

THERE YOU GO.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU.

>> Stephen: AND THANK YOU.

OH I HATE YOU SO MUCH.

>> Stephen: YOU JUST GAVE

HIM MY MONEY.

>> Stephen: I HAVE HEARD

THESE DISTURBING RUMORS AND

I WILL CONDUCT A THOROUGH

INTERNAL INVESTIGATION.

WHICH WILL REQUIRE MORE

MONEY.

>> Stephen: GO [BLEEP]

YOURSELF.

>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, SUIT

YOURSELF.

THERE YOU GO.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU.

>> Stephen: NO!

>> Stephen: YES!

>> Stephen: DON'T WORRY I'LL

GET THAT ROCKET LAUNCHER

BACK.

I JUST NEED SOME MORE MONEY.

>> Stephen: WAIT, YOU TAKE

THE INFIDEL'S MONEY.

I KILL YOU TOO!

>> Stephen: SEE, WE HAVE THE

SAME ENEMIES.

AND THE ENEMY OF MY ENEMY IS

MY FRIEND.

>> Stephen: THEN YOU'RE A

TERRIBLE FRIEND.

>> Stephen: AND YOU, SIR,

ARE A FORMIDABLE OPPONENT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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