Vibrant Constipation Pill

  • Aired:  05/07/14
  •  | Views: 41,972

Doctors develop a pill that vibrates constipation away, and Stephen offers tips on cell phone storage. (4:16)

COMEDY CENTRAL>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE

REPORT.

>> STEPHEN, STEPHEN,STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THANK YOU, FOLKS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THANK YOU, FOLKS.

WELCOME TO THE REPORT.

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US,EVERYBODY.

FOLKS, THAT-- THIS CROWDTONIGHT IS AS CRISP AS A NEW

STALK OF CELERY.

AND THIS IS WHY I WILL NEVERPHONE IT IN, TO THE LAST DROP.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)NATION, BEFORE I SAY

ANYTHING ELSE TONIGHT IWOULD LIKE TO SAY T-MOBILE.

(LAUGHTER)T-MOBILE PROUD SPONSOR OF

THAT THING I JUST SAID.

YOU SEE, I AGREED YEARS AGOTHAT EVERY NOW AND THEN I

WOULD DO THESE INTEGRATEDSPONSORSHIPS ON THE REPORT

TO HELP PAY THE PRODUCTIONBILLS AND THAT'S WHAT THAT

WAS.

SO LET'S-- (LAUGHTER)

LET'S GET-- LET'S GET TO OURNUMBER ONE STORY WHICH

TONIGHT IS A NUMBER TWOSTORY.

>> DOCTORS BELIEVE THEY'VECOME UP WITH A WAY TO HELP

WITH CONSTIPATION.

IT INVOLVES A VIBRATINGPILL.

DOCTORS IN ISRAEL ARETESTING A NEW PILL THAT

SHAKES UP YOUR INTESTINALAREA AND GETS THINGS ROLLING

AGAIN.

>> Stephen: YES, A PILL THATVIBRATES YOUR CONSTIPATION

AWAY.

SORRY PRUNES, YOU JUST LOSTYOUR JOB TO A ROBOT.

THE NEW PILL IS CALLEDVIBRANT, A COMBINATION OF

THE WORDS VIBRATE AND NNNT.

(LAUGHTER)WHICH IS THE SOUND YOU MAKE

WHEN IT'S WORKING.

THE PILL PULSATES THREETIMES A MINUTE AND MIMICS

PERISTALSIS, THE BIOLOGICALPROCESS THAT PUSHES WAVES OF

WASTE THROUGH THE BOWELS, IKNOW YOU ARE SAYING WHERE I

DO SIGN UP FOR WAVES OFWASTE.

THAT'S MY ONLY PROBLEM WITHTHIS PILL.

YOU CAN'T GET IT IT'S STILLIN CLINICAL TRIALS.

BUT YOU FOLKS OUT THERE NEEDRELIEF NOW.

WHICH IS WHY I RECOMMEND YOUPUT YOUR CELL PHONE ON VIBRATE

AND SHOVE IT WHERE THESUN DON'T SHINE.

AND-- (APPLAUSE)

WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, WHY NOTMAKE IT A TOP OF THE LINE

SMART PHONE FROM T-MOBILE.

(LAUGHTER)BECAUSE WHEN YOU HAVE THE

FASTEST NATIONWIDE 4GLTENETWORK YOU CAN CALL YOUR

COLON FROM ANYWHERE IN THECOUNTRY WITH GREAT RECEPTION

NO MATTER HOW FAR YOU JAMMEDIT UP THERE.

AND T-MOBILE IS THEUNCARRIER, THE PHONE COMPANY

THAT OFFERS CONTRACTFREEDOM.

THAT MEANS NO ANNUAL SERVICECONTRACTS, NO LIMITS ON DATA

AND UPGRADES WHENEVER YOUWANT THE HOTTEST NEW SMART

PHONE THROBBING YOURDUODENUM.

AND WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY?

YOU HAVE ALREADY GOT A PHONEFROM ONE OF T-MOBILE'S

COMPETITORS WEDGED UP THERE?

NO PROBLEM, T-MOBILE WILLEVEN HELP PAY YOUR

TERMINATION FEES WHEN YOUBREAK UP WITH YOUR OLD

CARRIER, AND COVER UP TOFIVE DEVICES IN ONE PLAN,

FINALLY THE WHOLE FAMILY CANNESTLE THEM IN THEIR RECTUMS.

NOW YOU MIGHT BE THINKING,YOU MIGHT BE THINKING

STEPHEN, YOU SPENT A LOT OFTIME PUSHING THIS T-MOBILE

PRODUCT INTEGRATION.

ARE YOU T-MOBILE'S PUPPET?

NO, I WANT TO ASSURE YOU,NATION, T-MOBILE DID NOT ASK

ME TO SAY ANY OF THIS.

ALL THEIR MARKETING TEAMASKED IS THAT I QUOTE NOT

POSITION THE BRAND IN ANEGATIVE LIGHT.

AND-- THAT, THAT, THAT ISNOT A PROBLEM.

WHERE I'M TELLING YOU TOPOSITION IT, THERE ISN'T ANY

LIGHT AT ALL.

REMEMBER, T-MOBILE, PUT ITIN YOUR BUTT.

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