Cheating Death - Sun Exposure & Marijuana

  • Aired:  05/21/13
  •  | Views: 31,072

Sunlight treats high blood pressure, and marijuana improves metabolism. (7:21)

NATION, I ALWAYS SAY, "FEED A

FEVER, STARVE A COLD, BLACKMAIL

A COUGH.

," BECAUSE I HAVE PHOTOS OF THAT

COUGH DOING THINGS THAT WOULD

MAKE YOU SICK.

THIS IS CHEATING DEATH WITH

DR. STEPHENT. COLBERT D.F.A.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

FIRST UP, A DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT

A MEDICAL DOCTOR.

I HAVE AN HONORARY DOCTORATE IN

FINE ARTS, WHICH MEANS I CAN

PRESCRIBE ANTIDEPRESSANTS TO

CURE YOUR BLUE PERIOD.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, AS ALWAYS, TONIGHT CHEATING

DEATH IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY

PRESCOTT PHARMACEUTICALS.

WHEN YOU THINK PRESCOTT, IT

MEANS OUR MEDICINE HAS NOT

CAUSED PERMANENT BRAIN DAMAGE.

FIRST UP, FOLKS, HEART HEALTH.

NOW, FOR ANY OF MY VIEWERS WHO

MIGHT HAVE A HEART, LISTEN UP.

THIS NEXT STORY AFFECTS YOU.

>> SCIENTISTS ARE SAYING A

LITTLE SUN CAN HELP YOUR BLOOD

PRESSURE.

IN A NEW STUDY, STUDIES HAVE

SHOWN EXPOSURE TO THE SUN'S RAYS

CUTS BLOOD PRESSURE AND CUTS THE

RISK OF HEART ATTACK AND STROKE.

>> IT TURNS OUT I WASN'T BEING

CRUEL TO THOSE APTS.

I WAS REDUCING THEIR RISK OF

STROKE.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, THE REDUCED... THE

RESEARCHERS AT THE UNIVERSITY OF

EDINBURGH HAD VOLUNTEERS SIT

UNDER A TANNING LAMP FOR TWO,

20-MINUTE SESSIONS AND SAW THAT

BLOOD PRESSURE DROPPED

SIGNIFICANTLY FOR ONE HOUR

FOLLOWING EXPOSURE TO U.V. RAYS.

U.V. RAYS ARE GOOD FOR YOUR

HEART, THAT'S WHY I'VE ALWAYS

CALLED SUN BLOCK "THE SILENT

KILLER."

OF COURSE, LIKE ANY MEDICATION,

SUN EXPOSURE HAS ITS PITFALLS,

BUT THE STUDY'S AUTHOR ASSURES

US WE SUSPECT THAT THE BENEFITS

TO HEART HEALTH OF SUNLIGHT WILL

OUTWEIGH THE RISK OF SKIN

CANCER.

THAT IS THE KIND OF VAGUE

SUSPICION I'M WILLING TO BET MY

LIFE ON.

OF COURSE, THE DISCOVERY...

[APPLAUSE]

[CHEERING]

BEAUTIFUL PICTURE OF A SUN.

OF COURSE... PEOPLE LOVE PHOTOS

OF THE SUN.

OF COURSE, THE DISCOVERY THAT

SUNLIGHT CAN TREAT YOUR HIGH

BLOOD PRESSURE IS A DIRECT

THREAT TO THE SALES OF EXISTING

BLOOD PRESSURE MEDICATIONS LIKE:

NORVASC,

ZESTRIL,

HYGROTON,

ESIDRIX,

LOZOL,

MYKROX,

BUMEX,

EDECRIN,

LASIX,

DEMADEX,

MIDAMOR,

ALDACTONE,

DYRENIUM,

ATENOLO,

LISMELIN,

SERPASIL,

CATAPRES,

WYTENSIN,

TENEX,

ALDOMET,

CARDURA,

MINIPRESS,

HYTRIN,

SECTRAL,

TENORMIN,

APRESOLINE,

COZAAR,

BENICAR,

DIOVAN,

CAPOTEN,

ALTACE,

PRINIVIL,

LOPRESOR,

TOPROL,

CORGARD,

LEVATOL,

CARDIZEM,

DILACOR,

ADALAT,

PROCARDIA,

AND TEKTURNA.

AND I HAVE TO TELL YOU, THE IDEA

THAT THIS SUN STUDY COULD EAT

INTO THE PROFITS OF THESE

PHARMACEUTICALS COULD MAKE MY

BLOOD BOIL.

I SHOULD TAKE MY AVAPRO.

OH, YEAH, AVAPRO.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

JIMMY, COULD YOU... JIMMY?

THANK YOU.

REGARDLESS, THE GOOD PEOPLE AT

PRESCOTT PHARMACEUTICALS AREN'T

ONES TO LET A MEDICAL

BREAKTHROUGH GO UNEXPLOITED.

THAT'S WHY THEY'RE PROUD TO

INTRODUCE OUR NEW BLOOD PRESSURE

MEDICATION, VASCA-TOWEL.

SIMPLY APPLY VASCA-TOWEL TO YOUR

FRONT LAWN...

[LAUGHTER]

LAY DOWN IN THE TREATMENT

RECTANGLE AND SOAK IN THE

LIFE-HEALING ULTRAVIOLET

RADIATION.

FOLKS...

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW VASCA-TOWEL'S MOTTO:

WHEN YOUR MOLES START CHANGING

SHAPE, YOU KNOW IT'S WORKING.

JUST SOAK IN THE HEALING AS

VASCA-TOWEL DOES ITS MEDICAL

MAGIC TO KEEP MOST BUT NOT ALL

BUGS FROM CRAWLING ON YOU.

AND REMEMBER, THESE AREN'T JUST

TOWELS WE STOLE FROM OUR AUNT'S

LINEN CLOSET.

SHE SAID WE COULD HAVE THEM.

SIDE EFFECTS OF VASCA-TOWEL MAY

INCLUDE DOWNTON ABSCESS, SUNNY

PEE AND I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT

BLADDER.

NEXT UP, WEIGHT LOSS.

[VOMITING]

NATION, SWIMSUIT SEASON IS RIGHT

AROUND THE CORNER, AND IF YOU'RE

LOOKING TO SLIM DOWN, THE BEST

WAY MAY BE SPARKING UP.

>> PEOPLE WHO SMOKE MARIJUANA

TYPICALLY HAVE A HIGHER CALORIC

INTAKE, WHICH MAKES THIS ASPECT

OF THE STUDY SO SURPRISING.

>> WE HAVE TO ASSUME THERE IS

SOME COMPOUND THAT IS INVOLVED

WITH MARIJUANA SMOKE THAT CAUSES

AN IMPROVEMENT IN METABOLISM.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT, POT

HELPS YOU LOSE WEIGHT.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

PEOPLE HERE ARE LOOKING TO DIET.

I SAY WE CAN USE THIS TO STEM

THE TIDE OF CHILDHOOD OBESITY.

YOUNG MAN, YOU CAN HAVE THAT

SUNDAE AFTER YOU'VE SMOKED YOUR

VEGETABLES.

[APPLAUSE]

NATION, IF POT IS A GATEWAY TO

EATING MORE CALORIES YET SOMEHOW

STILL ENDING UP SKINNIER, IT

STANDS TO REASON THAT EVEN

HARDER DRUGS WILL HELP EVEN

MORE.

THAT'S WHY PRESCOTT

PHARMACEUTICALS IS PROUD TO

INTRODUCE VASCA-METH.

VASCA-METH PRECISION COOKED IN

PRESCOTT'S STATE-OF-THE-ART ROOM

ABOVE THE GARAGE, VASCA-METH IS

GUARANTEED TO SLIM YOU DOWN BY

HELPING YOU SHED UNWANTED TOOTH

WEIGH.

THIS SUMMER IMPRESS ALL YOUR

FRIENDS WITH YOUR NEW BIKINI

MOUTH AND YOUR WASH BOARD GUMS.

[LAUGHTER]

NOT ONLY THAT, BUT YOU'LL BE

SURE TO GET YOUR CARDIO IN WHEN

YOU'RE UP UNTIL 4:00 A.M.

FRANTICALLY DIGGING YOUR

NEIGHBOR'S YARD FOR COPPER WIRE.

SIDE EFFECTS OF VASCA-METH

INCLUDE BRAIN CRAMPS AND SPACE

INVADERS AND FUNKY COLD ANGINA.

WELL, THAT'S IT FOR CHEATING

DEATH, BROUGHT TO YOU BY

PRESCOTT PHARMACEUTICALS.

REMEMBER, WE DON'T TEST ON

ANIMALS.

WE MAKE THE ANIMALS TEST ON EACH

OTHER.

UNTIL NEXT TIME, I'LL SEE YOU IN

HELL.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]