Tip/Wag - Butterball, Ashley Merryman & Science

  • Aired:  09/30/13
  •  | Views: 34,545

Butterball hires men to give manly cooking tips, New York Times writer Ashley Merryman studies losing, and scientists find fecal matter in holy water. (5:48)

NOW, NATION, I THINK OF MYSELFAS AN OBJECTIVE OBSERVER BECAUSE

I OBJECT TO EVERYTHING IOBSERVE.

(LAUGHTER)THIS IS TIP OF THE HAT; WAG OF

THE FINGER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)(LAUGHTER)

THE WHEELS ARE COMING OFF!

(LAUGHTER)NATION, IT'S LATE SEPTEMBER,

WHICH MEANS IT'S TIME TO GEAR UPFOR THANKSGIVING.

I LOVE IT ALL: THE FOOD, THEFAMILY, THE LAUGHING, THE

DRINKING, THE "NO WONDER YOURWIFE LEFT YOU, MARGARET," THE

"THAT'S NOT THE PROPER WORD FORASIANS, NANA."

THE "EVERYBODY HELP CLEAN UP,MOM LOCKED HERSELF IN THE

LAUNDRY ROOM WITH A BOTTLE OFCHARDONNAY."

IT'S A SPECIAL TIME AND NOTHANKSGIVING IS COMPLETE WITHOUT

BUTTERBALL TURKEYS.

THEY'RE AN AMERICAN CLASSIC,JUST LIKE THAT PILGRIMS KEPT IN

DARK CAGES THEIR ENTIRE LIVES UPTO THEIR ANKLES IN THEIR OWN

FECES.

PASS ME ANOTHER DRUMSTICK.

AND THEIR LATEST ANNOUNCEMENTMADE ME EVEN MORE OF A

TRYPTOPHAN.

(LAUGHTER)>> THE BUTTERBALL TURKEY TALK

LINE IS LOOKING FAR FEW GOODMEN.

FOR THE FIRST TIME, THE TURKEYSELLER IS LOOKING TO HIRE MALE

OPERATORS TO HELP GIVE ADVICE TOANYONE TRYING TO MAKE THE

PERFECT TURKEY DURING THEHOLIDAYS.

FOR THE PAST 32 YEARS, ONLYWOMEN HAVE OFFERED ADVICE ON THE

BUTTERBALL TURKEY TALK LINE.

>> Stephen: FINALLY MEN ON THETURKEY TALK LINE!

I MEAN --(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME THE MENWERE ON THE TURKEY TALK LINE--

BESIDES THE ONES AT THE N.S.A.

(LAUGHTER)SO A BIG TIP OF THE HAT TO

BUTTERBALL FOR RECOGNIZING THATMEN HAVE THE RIGHT STUFFING.

(LAUGHTER)FOLKS, AS BUTTERBALL SAYS "MORE

AND MORE MEN ARE INVOLVED INTHANKSGIVING DINNER AND TODAY

ONE IN EVERY FOUR CALLS ARE FROMMEN."

BUTTERBALL KNOWS WHEN A GUYCALLS ANYONE, HE WANTS ANOTHER

MAN ON THE LINE!

(LAUGHTER)JUST LIKE PHONE SEX.

MEN KNOW WHAT MEN LIKE.

(LAUGHTER)BECAUSE MEN WILL GIVE MEN MANLY

COOKING TIPS LIKE "BUY TURKEY,LAY ON COUCH UNTIL SHARON SAYS

IT'S TIME TO CARVE THE BIRD,SERVE AND EAT, RETURN TO COUCH."

CLASSIC RECIPE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)SO GOOD FOR YOU, BUTTERBALL, FOR

PUTTING SOME MAN GRAVY ON THISYEAR'S BIRD.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)THE BUTTERBALL IS GOOD,

BUTTERBALLS ARE BETTER.

(LAUGHTER)NEXT UP, FOLKS, I AM

HYPERCOMPETITIVE AND IF YOUDON'T KNOW THAT BY NOW-- WELL,

THEN I GIVE UP.

(LAUGHTER)SO I AM GIVING A WAG OF THE

FINGER TO THE "NEW YORK TIMES"SCIENCE WRITER ASHLEY MERRYMAN

FOR AN OP-ED SHE WROTE LAST WEEKENTITLED "LOSING IS GOOD FOR

YOU."

WELL, IF YOU REALLY FEEL THATWAY, MS. MERRYMAN, GREAT NEWS, I

THINK YOU'RE A LOSER.

(LAUGHTER)MERRYMAN HERE CLAIMS AMERICA HAS

GONE TROPHY CRAZY, ESPECIALLYWHEN IT COMES TO OUR KIDS AND

THAT AFTER YEARS OF RESEARCHINGTHE EFFECTS OF PRAISE ON KIDS

"THE SCIENCE IS CLEAR: AWARDSCAN BE POWERFUL MOTIVATORS BUT

NON-STEP RECOGNITION DOES NOTINSPIRE CHILDREN TO SUCCEED,

INSTEAD IT CAN CAUSE THEM TOUNDERACHIEVE."

WRONG!

(LAUGHTER)WRONG!

THIS COUNTRY WAS BUILT ONAWARDS.

WHAT DO YOU THINK GAVEWASHINGTON THE CONFIDENCE TO

DEFEAT THE BRITISH?

IT WAS HIS FOURTH GRADE MOSTIMPROVED KARATE PARTICIPATION

PROFY!

(LAUGHTER)LISTEN UP!

LISTEN UP, THE "NEW YORK TIMES."

I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.

YOU PUBLISHED SOME LIBERAL J.D.

ABOUT AWARDS BEING TERRIBLE ANDLOSING THE S THE BEST RIGHT

AFTER I WIN THESE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)SKRAO +ED.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)CLEARLY, CLEARLY, CLEARLY

SOMEBODY IS JEALOUS.

BECAUSE WHILE I'VE BEEN SHOWEREDIN GOLD, THE ONLY GOLDEN SHOWER

THE "NEW YORK TIMES" GETS ISCONGRESS TEAL URINE.

(LAUGHTER)FINALLY, FOLKS, EVERYONE KNOWS

I'M CLOSE TO THE JESUS.

HE CARRIES ME ON THAT BEAT SOOFTEN HE GOT A BABY BJORN.

THAT'S WHY I'M GIVING A WAG OFMY FINGER TO SCIENCE FOR

SLANDERING MY RELIGION.

>> THE INSTITUTE OF APPLIEDIMMUNOLOGY SHOWED ONE OF THE

WORST CONTAMINATED WATER SOURCESON THE PLANET IS IN CHURCHES.

86% OF HOLY WATER CONTAINS FECALMATTER.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)>> IT WOULD EXPLAIN WHY THEY'RE

ALWAYS BURNING INCENSE.

(LAUGHTER)NOW, FOLKS, I'VE ALWAYS KNOWN

HOLY WATER WAS DANGEROUS.

I MEAN, JUST LOOK WHAT HAPPENSWHEN YOU DRINK IT.

(LAUGHTER)(SCREAMING)

A MOMENT ON THE LIPS, ANETERNITY OF NOT HAVING LIPS.

(LAUGHTER)BUT WHAT IF THERE'S FECAL

MATTER?

LISTEN TO THE SO-CALLEDSOLUTIONS.

>> THE RESEARCHERS SAY IF THECHURCHES WOULD JUST ADD SALT AND

REGULARLY CHANGE THE WATERPROBLEM COULD BE ELIMINATED.

>> Stephen: ADD SALT ANDCHANGE THE WATER?

WE'RE BLESSING OURSELVES, NOTMAKING LINGUINI.

(LAUGHTER)YOU DO NOTES ME WITH THE

ORIGINAL RECIPE.

IT WORKS.

TAKING THE FECAL MATTER OUT OFHOLY WATER WOULD BE LIKE TAKING

THE FECAL MATTER OUT OFCOCA-COLA.

I'M NOT SAYING IT'S IN THERE,I'M JUST SAYING I'VE NEVER SEEN

THE RECIPE AND IT IS DARK BROWN.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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