Smile File - Al Qaeda Bomb Blunder

  • Aired:  02/19/14
  •  | Views: 21,299

A group of Al Qaeda members accidentally blow themselves up while training to become suicide bombers. (3:49)

>> Stephen: HEY!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY THANKS SO MUCH.

YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I DON'TKNOW ABOUT YOU BUT IT SEEMS

THAT EVERY TIME I TURN ONTHE NEWS CHANNELS ALL I HEAR

IS DOOM AND GLOOM.

THEY'RE TOO FOCUSED ON THENEGATIVE, YES, 700 CRUISE

SHIP PASSENGERS SPENT A WEEKSQUIRTING LIQUIDS AT HIGH

PRESSURE FROM EVERY HOLE INTHEIR BODY.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE UPSIDE?

A CRUISE WHERE YOU LOSE TENPOUNDS?

SIGN ME UP.

THAT'S WHY EVERY ONCE IN AWHILE THOSE NEGATIVE NELLIES

NEED TO TAKE THEIR HEAD OUTOF THE OVEN AND STICK IT

INTO STEPHEN COLBERT'S SMILEFILE.

TONIGHT ON THE SMILE FILE ALQAEDA.

FOLKS, PEOPLE SAY YOU NEVERHEAR ANY GOOD NEWS FROM IRAQ,

NOT TRUE.

SUMERIANS GAVE THE WORLDCUNEIFORM SCRIPT IN THE 4th

MILLENNIUM B.C., NICE WORK,GUYS, OR SHOULD I SAY WEDGE

HEDGE DOG, SLANTY DIAMOND.

BUT THE LATEST NEWS OUT OFIRAQ IS SURE TO TURN THAT

CRESCENT MOON UPSIDE DOWN.

>> A GROUP OF POTENTIALSUICIDE BOMBERS IN IRAQ

WON'T GET TO CARRY OUT THEIRPLANS BECAUSE THEY WERE

ACCIDENTALLY KILLED DURING ATRAINING EXERCISE.

21 MEMBERS OF A CAR BOMBTRAINING CLASS WERE BLOWN UP

WHEN THEIR AL QAEDAINSTRUCTOR UNWITTINGLY SET

OFF THE EXPLOSIVE CHARGE.

>> Z HEY, THOSE WHO CAN DOTHOSE CHO WHO CAN'T TEACH,

AND THOSE WHO CAN'T TEACHACCIDENTALLY BLOW THEMSELVES

UP.

(LAUGHTER)THAT SORT OF HANDS

ON-- (APPLAUSE)

>> BIG EXPLOSION FANS HERETONIGHT.

FOLKS, IT'S THAT KIND OFHANDS-ON TEACHER REMINDS ME

OF DEAD POET SOCIETY, ONLYWITHOUT THE POETS, OR THE

SOCIETY.

SAY WHAT YOU WILL ABOUT ALQAEDA, THEY VALUE EDUCATION.

IT'S LIKE THEY SAY, GAVE AMAN A SUICIDE BOMB HE BLOWS

UP ONCE, TEACH A MAN TOSUICIDE BOMB, HE ALSO BLOWS

UP ONCE.

(LAUGHTER)STILL WORKING OUT THE KINKS

ON THAT ONE.

BUT FOLKS THE VIOLENT DEATHOF 22 PEOPLE ISN'T THE ONLY

RAY OF SUNSHINE HERE.

BECAUSE THERE WERE ALSO 15OTHER TERRORISTS WOUNDED.

OKAY, JUST WOUNDED MEANSTHEY'RE NOT QUITE MARTYRS,

THEY'RE JUST MARTISH, ANDINSTEAD OF 72 VIRGINS THEY

GET ONE 72-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN,EVEN BETTER, EVEN BETTER,

FOLKS, SECURITY FORCES WEREDRAWN TO THE AREA BY THE

SOUND OF THE EXPLOSION ANDARRESTED 22 SURVIVORS,

INCLUDING THE MASTERMIND OFTHE GROUP WILE E AL COYOTE.

AND IT'S NO SURPRISE-- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IT COMES AS NO SURPRISE THATI'M NOT THE ONLY ONE La, La,

La, La, LOVING THIS STORY.

ONE LOCAL IRAQI REACTED BYSAYING THIS IS SO FUNNY T

SHOWS HOW STUPID THEY ARE,THOSE DOGS AND SONS OF DOGS.

IT IS HILARIOUS.

IT'S LIKE JACKASS ONLY WITHMORE REDEEMING SOCIAL VALUE.

FOLKS, IT'S STORIES LIKETHIS THAT MAKE YOU NOT ASK

THE QUESTION, WHY DO BADTHINGS HAPPEN TO BAD PEOPLE?

GOD OFTEN WORKS INMYSTERIOUS WAYS.

BUT SOMETIMES HE MAKES SOMEREALLY OBVIOUS CHOICES.

AND THAT'S THE SMILE FILE.

REMEMBER, IF YOU ARE'SFEELING BLUE, JUST BE GLAD

YOU'RE NOT FEELING BLEWEDUP. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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