Barack Obama's Jobs Speech

  • Aired:  09/08/11
  •  | Views: 31,270

To reach the unemployed, Barack Obama should deliver his speech when the unemployed are watching TV: at 3 a.m., right after a Slap Chop commercial. (6:01)

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY

MUCH.

YOU'RE VERY GENEROUS.

FOLKS, THE NUMBER-ONE ISSUE ON

EVERYONE'S MIND TODAY IS JOBS.

IT'S EVEN REPLACED SEX, WHICH

MEANS MEN NOW FANTASIZE ABOUT

BEAUTIFUL WOMEN GIVING THEM

START PAPERWORK.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT'S WHY TONIGHT pRESIDENT

OBAMA IS REVEALING HIS JOBS

PLAN.

AND IN A DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO

GET OUR ATTENTION, HE'S DOING IT

IN A SPEECH BEFORE A JOINT

SESSION OF CONGRESS.

NOW HE'S ASKING HIS OPPONENTS TO

JOIN WITH HIM FOR THE GOOD OF

THE PEOPLE, AND REPUBLICAN

LEADER MITCH MCCONNELL HAS

AGREED TO PUT ASIDE

PARTISANSHIP:

>> WE'LL LISTEN POLITELY TO WHAT

HE HAS TO SAY AND TAKE A LOOK AT

IT, BUT OUR VIEW IS THAT WE NEED

TO GO IN AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT

DIRECTION.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> STEPHEN: SEERK THAT'S

MEETING OBAMA HALFWAY.

THEY'LL LISTEN POLITELY TO

SOMETHING THEY'VE ALREADY

REJECTED.

AND TO SHOW THEIR CONCERN FOR

THE UNEMPLOYED MANY GOP MEMBERS

OF CONGRESS HAVE COME UP WITH

THEIR OWN PLAN oF NOT ATTENDING

THE SPEECH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT THE PRESIDENT WON'T BE

TALKING TO AN EMPTY ROOM.

JUST LIKE THE OSCARS, CONGRESS

HAS SEAT FILLERS-- PEOPLE WHO

OCCUPY THE CHAIRS BUT SERVE NO

REAL PURPOSE-- THEY'RE CALLED

DEMOCRATS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I GOTTA TELL YOU,

SKIPPING THE SPEECH ISN'T JUST

SOME F-U TO THE PRESIDENT.

ALL OF THESE REPUBLICANS HAVE A

GOOD REASON, LIKE LOUISIANA

SENATOR AND "FORMER" WHORE

ROTISSERIE DAVID VITTER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

VITTER IS GOING TO BE AT HOME.

>> I'M GOING TO BE WATCHING FROM

MY FAMILY ROOM IN METAIRIE,

LOUISIANA, BECAUSE I HAVE A

SAINTS GAME PARTY THERE, AND I'M

ABSOLUTELY GOING TO BE THERE FOR

THE BIG GAME.

AS A FANATIC, I HAVE MY

PRIORITIES.

>> Stephen: YEAH!

PRIORITIES.

THERE'S ONLY ONE KICKOFF GAME,

BUT THERE'LL BE YEARS MORE

CRIPPLING UNEMPLOYMENT.

IN FACT, BECAUSE OF THE

SAINTS/PACKERS GAME, SOME

NBC AFFILIATES IN WISCONSIN

AREN'T EVEN CARRYING THE SPEECH.

YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M NOT WATCHING

THE SPEECH EITHER.

I'M A HUGE FAN OF THE WISCONSIN

PAC-MEN.

TIME TO TAILGATE.

LET'S DO THIS RIGHT HERE.

LET'S GO.

LET'S FIRE UP THE GRILL.

ALL RIGHT.

JOHN THE JOHNSONVILLE BRATS

GOING.

I CANNOT WAIT TO WATCH THAT

FOOTBALL.

I JUST ENJOYING -- ENJOY

WATCHING THAT BIG GUY TACK THAT

OTHER GUY FOR THE POINTS.

I LOVE WATCHING THE POINTS.

I GOT A SIXER OF OLD MILWAUKEE

HERE.

I'VE BEEN THROUGH A FEW

I GOT A SIXER OF OLD MILWAUKEE,

AND A SIXER OF LISTERINE TO WASH

AWAY THE TASTE OF THE OLD

MILWAUKEE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND TO MAKE SURE MY TV DOESN'T

ACCIDENTALLY CLICK OVER TO

OBAMA'S SPEECH, I'M GO TO REMOVE

THE BATTERIES FROM MY REMOTE

HERE.

AND I AM GOING TO REPLACE THOSE

WITH MINI SAUSAGES.

THERE YOU GO.

TAKE THAT UP.

AND, WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

I STILL HAVE POWER.

ANYWAY, OF COURSE, ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S ENOUGH TAILGATING.

OF COURSE, THE MOST

CONTROVERSIAL ASPECT OF THE

PRESIDENT'S SPEECH WAS THE DATE

WHICH OBAMA ORIGINALLY SCHEDULED

FOR LAST NIGHT.

>> IT WAS THE TIMING OF THE

PRESIDENT'S SPEECH THAT BECAME

THE SUBJECT OF A TESTY

CONFRONTATION BETWEEN THE

PRESIDENT AND THE SPEAKER.

>> THERE WAS A REPUBLICAN

PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE SCHEDULED

FOR THE SAME TIME THE PRESIDENT

WANTED TO SPEAK

>> Stephen hONESTLY I ADMIRE THE

PRESIDENT FOR HAVING THE

SWINGING AIR-FORCE-TWOS TO TRY

AND BIGFOOT THE REPUBLICAN

DEBATE.

IT'S THE SAME REASON I CELEBRATE

MY BIRTHDAY ON ALL OF MY STAFF'S

BIRTHDAYS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SPEAKING OF WHICH, HAPPY

BIRTHDAY, GLENN.

NOW, WHERE THE HELL IS MY GIFT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

REALLY TASTES LIKE MICHIGAN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT I SAY IF THE PRESIDENT IS SO

DESPERATE FOR HIS SPEECH TO GET

OUR ATTENTION, LAST NIGHT, THIS

NIGHT, IT DON'T MATTER.

TO REACH THE UNEMPLOYED HE NEEDS

TO DELIVER IT WHEN THE UNEMPLOY

READY WATCHING TV.

AT 3:00 A.M. RIGHT AFTER A

SLAP-CHOP INFOMERICAL.

BY THE WAY, I PARTIALLY BLAME

THE SLAP CHOP FOR THIS

UNEMPLOYMENT CRISIS.

IT CHOPS, DICES AND MINCES!

THAT'S THREE JOBS IT KILLED!

[ LAUGHTER ]

FOLKS, BETTER YET, THE PRESIDENT

SHOULD JUST WORK HIS MESSAGE IN

TO THE PROGRAMMING THAT'S

ALREADY ON AT THAT HOUR.

JIM?

>> ARE YOU CONSTANTLY STRUG WELL

YOUR STRAP?

>> RIGHT NOW THERE ARE FOLKS

STRUGGLING.

>> WHEN YOU WEAR A TURTLE NECK

YOU LOOK LIKE THIS?

>> DEMOCRACY ISN'T ALWAYS

PRETTY.

THERE'S GOT TO BE A BETTER WAY.

>> WE'VE PROVEN WE CAN COME

TOGETHER TO SOLVE PROBLEMS.

>> INTRODUCING THE ALL NEW GENIE

BRA.

>> THAT'S HOW WE'LL MEET THIS

CHALLENGE.

>> THAT SLEEK SILLO WET.

THIS IS THE PERFECT BRA FOR ME.

>> THAT'S THE SPIRIT WE NEED TO

HARNESS IT.

>> BARACK OBAMA'S BRAS AND JOBS.

ORDER NOW.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WOW, OUR ECONOMY ALREADY SEEMS

FULLER, PERKIER AND MORE

CONFIDENT IN A TANK TOP.

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