Arnold Schwarzenegger's Sex Scandal

  • Aired:  05/17/11
  •  | Views: 53,606

Stephen has more important things to talk about than Arnold Schwarzenegger's illegitimate child, like oil subsidies. (5:06)

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

FOLKS, YOU KNOW, WHENEVER A BIG

STORY HITS, I KNOW THE FIRST

THING YOU DO IS TUNE IN HERE TO

FIND OUT HOW YOU FEEL.

THAT'S HOW YOU LEARN YOU HATE

TERRORISTS, MONORAILS AND MY

PERVERT NEIGHBOR ALAN, WHO IS

ALWAYS TRYING TO CATCH A GLIMPSE

OF ME NAKED WHEN I'M MOWING THE

FRONT LAWN.

SO NATURALLY PEOPLE ARE

EXPECTING ME TO WEIGH IN ON

TODAY'S BIG BOMBSHELL.

YOU ALL KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING

ABOUT.

>> FORMER GOVERNOR ARNOLD

SCHWARZENEGGER ADMITTING HE

FATHERED A LOVE CHILD ROUGHLY A

DECADE AGO WITH A FORMER STAFF

MEMBER.

>> Stephen: JUICY, SEXY STUFF.

WELL, FOLKS, I HATE TO

DISAPPOINT YOU, BUT I AM NOT

TOUCHING THIS ONE.

IT'S A PRIVATE MATTER BETWEEN

ARNOLD AND HIS FAMILY AND HIS

OTHER FAMILY.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S NOT WHAT WE DO HERE.

IF YOU WANT ALL THE LURID

DETAILS, GO SOMEPLACE ELSE

BECAUSE WE HAVE MORE IMPORTANT

THINGS TO TALK ABOUT, LIKE OIL

SUBSIDIES.

TODAY THE SENATE VOTED ON A

DEMOCRATIC MEASURE THAT WOULD

ELIMINATE $21 BILLION IN

SUBSIDIES FOR THE COUNTRY'S TOP

FIVE OIL COMPANIES OVER THE NEXT

DECADE.

THE BILL CLOSES CERTAIN

LOOPHOLES IN THE TAX CODE,

SPECIFICALLY THE PART OF THE

CODE THAT -- TEN YEARS, TEN

YEARS AGO!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HE HAD THIS KID.

OKAY.

AND MARIA NEVER KNEW?

WHAT DID SHE THINK THIS WAS,

WATER WEIGHT GAIN?

NO, NO, NO, COLBERT, YOU'RE

BETTER THAN THIS.

THEY'RE HUMAN BEINGS.

MOSTLY.

I HEAR HE'S PART MACHINE.

SHAKE IT OFF, SHAKE IT OFF.

OIL SUBSIDIES.

YEAH.

OKAY.

AS I WAS SAYING, REPUBLICANS

ARGUE THAT RATHER THAN BLAMING

BIG OIL FOR RECORD PROFITS,

CONGRESS SHOULD BE FOCUSED ON

INCREASING DOMESTIC ENERGY

PRODUCTION AND -- ARE YOU

TELLING ME NO ONE KNEW?

NO ONE KNEW IT WAS HIS KID?

IT WAS PROBABLY BORN WITH A

40-INCH CHEST.

AND FORGET THE CAESAREAN, HE

PROBABLY SHOT HIS WAY OUT, HASTA

LA VISTA, PLACENTA.

I NEED HELP.

NO, I NEED HELP.

I NEED HELP, HELP.

[GRUNTING]

GET YOURSELF TOGETHER.

FOCUS, FOCUS, FOCUS, FOCUS.

YOU'RE A PROFESSIONAL.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

I'M GOOD TO GO.

I'M GOOD TO GO.

OKAY.

AND REPUBLICANS ARE NOT TAKING

THIS LYING DOWN, FOLKS.

THEY INTRODUCED THEIR OWN BILL

FM 953, WHICH READS AS FOLLOWS,

"SECTION ONE, SHORT TITLE: THIS

ACT MAY BE CITED AS THE "OFF

SHORE PRODUCTION AND SAFETY ACT

OF 2011... IN GENERAL,

NOTWITHSTANDING ANY OTHER

PROVISION OF THIS ACT, IN THE

CASE OF EACH EXPLORATION PLAN

SUBMITTED AFTER THE DATE OF

ENACTMENT OF THIS ACT,

[BLEEPED].

OKAY.

LET'S DISH.

ALL RIGHT.

THIS WHOLE THING MAKES JOHN

EDWARDS LOOK LIKE FATHER OF THE

YEAR.

I MEAN, I MEAN, WHEN ARNOLD WAS

RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR, HE WAS OUT

THERE SHAKING HANDS AND KISSING

BABIES.

ANY OF THOSE BABIES COULD HAVE

BEEN HIS.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW WE KNOW WHY HE WAS ALWAYS

SMOKING CIGARS.

EACH ONE COULD HAVE BEEN

CELEBRATING THE BIRTH OF ANOTHER

SECRET CHILD.

OH, I CANNOT BE THE ONLY ONE

TALKING ABOUT THIS.

>> THIS IS A MARRIAGE

TERMINATOR.

>> FROM TERMINATOR TO...

>> DID WE CALL HIM THE

INSEMINATOR?

>> MAYBE IT'S A TUMOR.

>> IT'S NOT A TUMOR.

>> HE'S GOING TO GET A LOT OF

MONEY AND JINGLE ALL THE WAY.

>> NOW HE HAS A JUNIOR, AS HE

SAID.

HE'S NOT GOING TO BE THE LAST

ACTION HERO TO DO THIS.

AND NOW WHEN HE TURNS FIVE HE'S

GOING TO BE A KINDERGARTEN COP.

>> HILARIOUS.

HEY, SORRY.

ANYWAY, WHERE WAS I?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YES, OIL IS THE KEY TO THE

FUTURE.

[LAUGHTER]

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