Tip/Wag - Steve Stockman, David Cameron & North Carolina Legislature

  • Aired:  07/29/13
  •  | Views: 33,313

Texas Congressman Steve Stockman unrolls a 60-foot Benghazi petition, Prime Minister David Cameron filters porn, and North Carolina permits concealed handguns on playgrounds. (6:27)

DOESN'T COST THAT MUCH.

NATION, IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW,

YOU KNOW I DON'T MINCE WORDS.

I HAVE A LITTLE GUATEMALAN WOMAN

WHO MINCES THEM FOR ME.

THIS IS TIP OF THE HAT, WALL OF

THE FINGER.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

FOLKS, EVER SINCE THE TRAGIC

EVENTS IN BENGHAZI LAST YEAR

WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO GATHER ALL

THE FACTS BUT THERE ARE TWO

THINGS WE KNOW: ONE, HILLARY

CLINTON IS COMPLETELY TO BLAME.

AND TWO, BARACK OBAMA IS

COMPLETELY TO BLAME.

UNFORTUNATELY IT IS ONE OF THOSE

STORIES WE HAVEN'T HEARD MUCH

ABOUT LATELY BECAUSE IT HASN'T

PASSED THROUGH A ROYAL BIRTH

CANAL OR TAKEN A PICTURE OF ITS

OWN PENIS.

BUT ONE MAN OUT THERE IS

FIGHTING TO BRING BENGS AY BACK

INTO THE NEWS WHICH IS WHY I'M

GIVING A TIP OF THE HAT TO TEXAS

REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMAN AND

REALTOR YOU FOUND ON A BENCH AD,

STEVE STOCKMAN.

JIM?

>> NEW PUSH FOR ANSWERS ON

BENGHAZI IN A BIG WAY ON THE

HILL.

SOME REPUBLICAN LAWMAKERS

BREAKING RANKS DEMANDING A

SPECIAL INVESTIGATION.

>> WE ARE LIVE ON THE STEPS OF

THE CAPITOL FOR A RALLY BEING

HELD BY SPECIAL OPERATION VETS

AS THEY UNROLL WHAT THEY'RE

CALLING, QUOTE, THE LARGEST EVER

PETITION TO CONGRESS.

>> LITERALLY, A 60-FOOT LONG

SCROLL OF VETERAN SIGNATURES WHO

WANT THIS INVESTIGATION TO

HAPPEN.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

A 60-FOOT LONG PETITION.

TO PUT THAT IN PERSPECTIVE, IF

YOU TOOK 60 SUBWAY FOOT LONGS

AND LINED THEM UP ON THE STEPS

OF THE CAPITOL BUILDING SOMEBODY

WOULD DEFINITELY START A

PETITION TO GET THOSE SANDWICHES

OUT OF THERE.

THEY'RE GOING TO DRAW RATS.

OF COURSE, YOU MAY BE WONDERING

HOW MANY NAMES CAN YOU FIT ON A

60-FOOT SCROLL?

QUARTER OF A MILLION?

900,000?

WELL, PREPARE YOURSELF, NATION,

BECAUSE REPRESENTATIVE

STOCKMAN'S PETITION HAS ONE

POINT 1 THOUSAND SIGNATURES ON

IT.

IT WAS 999 NORMAL-SIZED

SIGNATURES AND ONE PERSON WHO

LIKES TO DOT HER I'S WITH TWO

MILLION TINY HEARTS.

NATION, I'D LIKE TO SHOW MY

SUPPORT FOR STEVE STOCKMAN'S

BOLD EMPTY GESTURE WITH A BOLD

EMPTY GESTURE OF MY OWN WHICH IS

WHY I'M TAKING A 65-FOOT

PETITION TO CONGRESS.

NOT ONLY IS IT FIVE FEET LONGER

THAN CONGRESSMAN STOCKMAN'S.

IT'S ALSO TWO PLY.

OKAY.

YOU KNOW

FOLKS?

THROUGH THE STAIRS I'M GOING TO

COVER THE ENTIRE CAPITOL

BUILDING WITH MY PETITION.

IF IT RAINS THEY'LL NEVER GET IT

OFF.

NEXT UP FOLKS WE ALL KNOW

PORNOGRAPHY IS A PROBLEM ALL

OVER THE WORLD.

THAT'S WHY I'M GIVING A BIG TIP

OF MY HAT TO BRITISH PRIME

MINISTER DAVID CAMERON FOR

FINALLY DOING SOMETHING ABOUT

IT.

>> DAVID CAMERON CRACKING DOWN

ON INTERNET PORNOGRAPHY TODAY

ROLLING OUT A PLAN THAT WOULD

ADD ADULT CONTENT FILTERS ON

EVERYTHING FROM COMPUTERS TO

SMARTPHONES TO PUBLIC WI-FI

NETWORKS.

>> Stephen: YES, NOW IT WILL BE

IMPOSSIBLE FOR BRITISH YOUTH TO

SEE PORNOGRAPHY UNLESS THEY CAN

SOMEHOW GAIN ACCESS TO PAGE 3 OF

THE SUN.

AND IT'S NOT JUST PICTURE AND

VIDEO, FOLKS.

THE PRIME MINISTER IS ALSO

PLANNING TO CENSOR KEY SEARCH

TERMS MAKING IT A LOT HARDER TO

GOOGLE THE PHRASE "MAKING IT A

LOT HARDER."

BUT BRITISH INTERNET USERS WHO

WANT THEIR MEAT AND TWO VEG CAN

STILL SEE IT BECAUSE USERS WILL

BE ABLE TO OPT OUT OF THE

SETTING BY REQUEST.

THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU ENGLISH CAN STILL ENJOY YOUR

BRIT-ROTICA.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS ASK FOR

IT.

>> PLEASE, SIR.

I WANT SOME (DEEP MALE VOICE)

PORN.

>> WHAT?

I WANT SOME (STEPHEN'S

VOICE:) PORN

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Stephen: FINALLY, AS A PROUD

SON OF SOUTH CAROLINA, FOLKS, I

RARELY HAVE KIND WORDS FOR THOSE

BARBARIANS TO THE NORTH.

I MEAN, WHO MAKES BARBECUE SAUCE

WITH VINEGAR?

THAT'S WHAT YOU USE TO CLEAN A

TOILET.

WHEN I SAY TOILET, I MEAN

CHARLOTTE.

BUT ON THE PLUS SIDE, THEIR

REPUBLICAN-CONTROLLED STATE

LEGISLATURE IS TURNING NORTH

CAROLINA INTO A CONSERVATIVE

SHANGRI-LA PROPOSING FOR PASSING

BILLS THAT WOULD MAKE COUPLES

WAIT TWO YEARS TO DIVORCE,

DECLARE AN OFFICIAL STATE

RELIGION AND REMOVE THE

REQUIREMENT THAT CHARTER SCHOOL

TEACHERS HAVE A COLLEGE DEGREE.

GREAT MOVE.

I MEAN, WHO BETTER TO TEACH

FIFTH GRADE THAN A 6th

GRADER.

IT'S STILL FRESH IN HIS MIND.

NOT TO MENTION AN INDECENCY BILL

THAT WOULD MAKE IT A FELONY TO

EXPOSE A NIPPLE FOR THE PURPOSES

OF AROUSAL.

SO, NORTH CAROLINA STRIPPERS, BE

SURE TO ADD A SIGN ON YOUR CHEST

THAT READS "FOR EDUCATIONAL

PURPOSES ONLY."

WELL, FOLKS, ALL THOSE BILLS

WERE JUST FOREPLAY, WHICH I

BELIEVE IS ALSO ILLEGAL IN NORTH

CAROLINA.

BECAUSE I'M GIVING A TIP OF MY

HAT TO THE NORTH CAROLINA

LEGISLATURE FOR MY FAVORITE

RESOLUTION YET.

>> HOUSE BILL 937 APPROVED

TUESDAY BY THE HOUSE AND SENATE

ALLOWS CONCEALED HANDGUN PERMIT

HOLDERS TO BRING THEIR WEAPONS

TO BARS AND RESTAURANTS THAT

SERVE ALCOHOL.

CONCEALED WEAPONS HOLDERS WILL

ALSO BE ALLOWED TO CARRY THEIR

GUNS ON GREEN WAYS, PLAYGROUNDS

AND OTHER PUBLIC RECREATION

AREAS

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

NOW YOU CAN BRING GUNS TO

PLAYGROUNDS AND, FOLKS, WE NEED

THEM BECAUSE THE MONKEY BARS ARE

WELL KNOWN AL QAEDA TRAINING

GROUNDS.

PLUS GUNS WILL MAKE THE WHOLE

PLAYGROUND EXPERIENCE MUCH MORE

FUN.

INSTEAD OF DUCK, DUCK, GOOSE,

YOU CAN JUST PLAY DUCK, DUCK,

DUCK!

AND GUNS WILL MEAN MUCH LESS

WORK FOR BUSY PARENTS WHO ARE

TIRED OF PUSHING THEIR KIDS ON

THE SWINGS, AS YOU CAN SEE IN

THIS COLBERT REPORT EXCLUSIVE

GRAPHIC SIMULATION.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

Loading...