Obama's Ottoman Empire

  • Aired:  09/26/12
  •  | Views: 71,127

The bacon shortage is an Islamic conspiracy, and President Obama's disloyalty to murderous dictators means another Turkish Empire. (6:43)

OH-- HE LOOKS SALTY.

(LAUGHTER) NATION, THEY SAY THAT THIS BACON SHORTAGE IS CAUSED BY GLOBAL WARMING AND CROP FAILURE.

BUT I BELIEVE THIS BACON SHORTAGE IS A CONSPIRACY.

A BA-CON-SPIRACY.

(LAUGHTER) JUST THINK ABOUT IT, OKAY?

WHO'S NOT SUPPOSED TO EAT BACON?

WELL, JEWS, FIRST.

BUT MOST OF THE JEWS I KNOW DO ANYWAY.

(LAUGHTER) ONCE AGAIN, ALOHA.

(LAUGHTER) NO, I'M TALKING ABOUT THE REALLY OBSERVANT JEWS.

MUSLIMS.

(LAUGHTER) THEY WON'T EVEN TOUCH BACON!

WHICH MEANS THIS BACON SHORTAGE IS NOTHING LESS THAN CREEPING SHARIA LAW!

AND YOU KNOW WHO I BLAME?

BARACK OBAMA.

(LAUGHTER) OH, I HAVE BEEN WARNING YOU FOR YEARS ABOUT HIS KOWTOWING TO ISLAMIC EXTREMISTS.

WELL, NOW THE CHICKEN SHAWARMA HAS COME HOME TO ROOST-- IN A CATASTRO-PITA.

DURING THE PAST ARAB SPRING OBAMA LET RADICAL IMAMS LEAD AN UPRISING AGAINST OUR RADICAL FRIENDS IN THE MIDDLE EAST.

>> YOU GO BACK TO THE BEGINNING OF THE ARAB SPRING AND THIS ADMINISTRATION DID EVERYTHING IN ITS POWER TO DISLODGE TWO KEY

U.S. ALLIES-- HOSNI MUBARAK AND MOAMMAR QADDAFI.

KNOWING THE REPLACEMENTS WOULD BE MUSLIM BROTHERHOOD AND OTHER ISLAMISTS.

>> WELL, IT'S A NEW-- IF THEY KNEW THAT I AM ANGRIER THAN I AM NOW.

>> Stephen: OH MY-- OH, MY GOD!

SEAN HANNITY IS CAPABLE OF BEING ANGRIER AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT THAN HE ACTUALLY IS AT THAT MOMENT!

(LAUGHTER) HE HAS TORN A RIFT IN THE SPACE-ANGER CONTINUUM!

(LAUGHTER) FOLKS, OBAMA'S COMPLETE LACK OF LOYALTY TO OUR MURDEROUS DICTATOR ALLIES DOESN'T JUST ENRAGE ME-- AND THE LOUD HOLE AT

THE TOP OF SEAN HANNITY'S NECK-- IT ALSO IS RAISING A RED FLAG FOR TEXAS CONGRESSMAN AND FOREHEAD AMERICAN LOUIE GOHMERT.

JIM?

>> THANK YOU, PRESIDENT BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA.

HE HAS HELPED JUMP START A NEW OTTOMAN EMPIRE.

YOU LOOK ACROSS TUNISIA, LIBYA, EGYPT AND IRAQ AND IRAN AND SYRIA, LEBANON, YOU LOOK AND YOU GO, OH, MY GOSH, THIS IS THE

MAKINGS, THIS IS THE BEGINNINGS OF MASSIVE BEGINNINGS OF A NEW OTTOMAN EMPIRE THAT PRESIDENT OBAMA CAN TAKE GREAT CREDIT FOR.

>> Stephen: YOU HEARD HIM RIGHT.

THE OTTOMAN EMPIRE.

IT RULED THE MIDDLE EAST FOR OVER 600 YEARS UNTIL IT FINALLY COLLAPSED IN 1922.

OR DID IT?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) (LAUGHTER) IT DID.

(LAUGHTER) BUT ACCORDING TO GOHMERT THE OTTOMAN EMPIRE IS MAKING A COMEBACK WITH THE HELP OF BARACK OBAMA.

AND WE DON'T STAND A CHANCE, FOLKS!

THE OTTOMANS WERE KNOWN FOR THEIR FORMIDABLE WEAPONRY.

RAZOR-SHARP SCIMATARS THAT COULD LOP OFF YOUR HEAD AND COMFY PADDED FOOT STOOLS THAT COULD TRIP UP DICK VAN DYKE.

(LAUGHTER) SO GET READY TO GO BACK TO THE DAYS OF SULEIMAN THE MAGIVE IN SENT AND MEPL MEHMED THE MEH.

OUR YOUNG MEN WILL BE CONSCRIPTED INTO THE JANISSARYS TO GUARD THE CIRCUMCISION PA CIVIL VON AT TOPKAPI PAL LALS.

MARK MY WORDS.

ALSO, LOOK THEM UP ON WIKIPEDIA.

(LAUGHTER) CONGRESSMAN GOHMERT KNOW IT IS ECONOMIC IMPACT THIS WHOLE ON OUR VITAL SPICE ROUTES!

OH, I HOPE YOU ENJOY PAYING 13 KURUS FOR A DRAM OF FENUGREEK.

SUDDENLY GORMEH SABZI IS ONLY A SOMETIMES FOOD.

(LAUGHTER) AND DO NOT THINK THAT THIS NEW OTTOMAN EMPIRE IS GOING TO BE CONTAINED TO THE MIDDLE EAST.

SOON IT WILL SHARIA CREEP ON TO AMERICAN SHORES.

AND THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW CAT DEALY IS HOSTING "SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DERVISH." (APPLAUSE) WE MUST FORTIFY THE CITY WALLS!

WE MUST CALL OUT THE PIKEMEN!

PREPARE FOR THE SIEGE!

READY THE VENETIAN FLEET!

(LAUGHTER)

>> STEVEN, WE HAVE REACHED YOUR DEFENSES!

>> MUSTAFA!

YOU OTTOMAN DOG!

>> YES, IT IS I, MUSTAFA, GRAND VIZ YEAR OF THE TURKIC HOARD.

WELCOME TO OBAMA'S OTTOMAN AMERICA!

YOU'LL BE FORCED TO PLAY THE OOD EAT CAROB AND LEARN ALGEBRA.

>> YOU MONSTERS!

>> NOW, STEVEN, MIGHT I INTEREST YOU IN SOME TURKISH DELIGHT?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: NO!

NO!

NO THANK YOU.

>> OH, IT'S A TENDER CANDY SCENTED WITH ROSE WATER.

>> Stephen: ROSE WATER?

OH, THAT DOES SOUND DELIGHTFUL!

I SHALL TRY ONE!

OH!

(LAUGHTER) OH, IT IS SCRUMPTIOUS.

>> HA HA HA!

NOW YOU'RE MINE!

COME JOIN MY HAREM.

>> Stephen: NO, NO!

YOU'VE GOT TO FIGHT OTTOMAN DELICACY WITH AN ANTI-OTTOMAN DELICACY.

A CROISSANT.

YES, THE CROISSANT, CREATED IN 1683 TO CELEBRATE THE VICTORY OVER THE OTTOMANS AT THE BATTLE OF VIENNA.

ITS CRESCENT SHAPE MARKS THE MOON UPON YOUR PLANT.

>> NO, NOT THE LIGHT AND FLAKY PASTRY OF MY PEOPLE'S DARKEST HOUR!

>> Stephen: B GONE, TURK!

>> NO!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: OH-- THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, CONGRESSMAN LOUIE GOHMERT FOR WARNING US AGAINST THE OTTOMAN MENACE.

BUT REMEMBER, SIR, YOU'RE FROM TEXAS.

OBAMA'S PROBABLY ALSO REVIVING THE EMPIRE OF MONTEZUMA AND HIS AS TECH WARRIORS ON QUETZALCOATL'S BACK!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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