NSA Software Implants

  • Aired:  01/16/14
  •  | Views: 41,360

Allegations surface that the NSA inserted spying software into over 100,000 personal computers. (4:30)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE

REPORT.

THANK YOU.

>> STEPHEN, STEPHEN,STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

>> WHOOO!

WHOOO!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: FOLKS, THANK YOU

SO MUCH.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, LADIESAND GENTLEMEN.

AS YOU KNOW, IF YOU WATCHTHE SHOW YOU KNOW I AM A

HUGE FAN OF THE HEROES THATWORK AT THE NSA.

THEY HAVE KEPT AMERICA SAFE.

IN FACT, THANKS TO THEM SOFAR THERE HAS NEVER BEEN

ANOTHER SEPTEMBER11th, 2001

IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, CHECK YOUR

CALENDARS.

A RECENT STUDY BY THENONPARTISAN NEW AMERICA

FOUNDATION BACKS ME UP.

>> A NEW ANALYSIS OF 225INDIVIDUALS LINKED TO AL QAEDA

AND CHARGED WITH TERRORISMSINCE SEPTEMBER 11TH SAYS

NSA SURVEILLANCE PROGRAMSQUOTE HAD NO DISCERNIBLE

IMPACT ON PREVENTING ACTS OFTERRORISM.

>> Stephen: SEE?

(LAUGHTER)I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT

PEOPLE LIKE EDWARD SNOWDENARE SO MAD ABOUT.

IS VIOLATING EVERYONE'SPRIVACY REALLY THAT BAD IF

IT DOESN'T EVEN WORK?

(LAUGHTER)BESIDES, IT DOES NOT HAVE TO

WORK.

IT JUST HAS TO FEEL LIKEIT'S WORKING.

BECAUSE IT'S WHAT DIRECTOR OFNATIONAL INTELLIGENCE JAMES

CLAPPER CALLS THE PEACE OFMIND METRIC.

NOW FOLKS, I GET THAT.

NSA SURVEILLANCE IS JUSTLIKE THE HANDFUL OF PLACEBO

SUGAR PILLS I TAKE EVERYMORNING.

TO PREVENT CANINE HIPDISPLACIA.

SO FAR SO GOOD.

THOUGH I HAVE DEVELOPED TYPEII DIABETES.

(LAUGHTER)MAYBE I'M NOT TAKING ENOUGH

SUGAR PILLS. BUT IF THISMASSIVE DATA COLLECTION

ISN'T WORKING, FOLKS, I SAYTHE NSA NEEDS TO SPY HARDER.

AND THANKFULLY THEY ARE.

>> NEW ALLEGATIONS THISMORNING THAT THE NSA HAS

PLACED SOFTWARE ON NEARLY100,000 COMPUTERS WORLDWIDE

SO IT CAN SNOOP WHEN THOSEMACHINES ARE NOT LINKED TO

THE INTERNET.

>> MANY OF THESE TRANSMITTERSARE IMPLANTED IN THE

COMPUTERS AT MANUFACTURING.

BUT THEY CAN ALSO BEIMPLANTED IN THE PLUG-INS

FOR THE USB CORDS, THE SAMEKIND OF USB CORDS THAT MANY

OF YOU USE EVERY DAY.

>> THEY'VE GOT TRANSMITTERSIN OUR USB CORDS.

I'M GUESSING THAT'S WHY THEFIRST TIME YOU TRY TO PLUG

IT IN ITS'S ALWAYS THE WRONGWAY.

(LAUGHTER)NOW FOLKS, FOLKS, I MADE IT

CLEAR THAT I HAVE ALWAYSSUPPORTED THE NSA'S

UNLIMITED SNOOPING ABILITYON OTHER PEOPLE.

PERSONALLY I PROTECT MY MOSTPRIVATE DATA BY KEEPING IT

ON A 1982 ATARI 800.

NOT ONLY IS IT NOT CONNECTEDTO THE INTERNET, IT IS POWERED

BY WHALE OIL.

(LAUGHTER)BUT NOW THAT I KNOW THAT THE

NSA CAN JUST PUT ATRANSMITTER ANYWHERE, I AM

GOING OFF THE GRID.

THAT MEANS I'M LOSING MYLAPTOP, GETTING RID OF MY

PHONE, MY TV, MY CAR,ANYTHING WITH A COMPUTER IN

IT.

I THINK I'LL MISS MY MAGICEIGHT BALL MOST OF ALL.

AND FROM NOW ON I'LL JUSTMANAGE MY INFORMATION THE

OLD-FASHIONED WAY, WITH APEN.

ALL RIGHT.

HERE WE GO.

OKAY, PEN, WRITE A TWEET.

SORRY, AMERICA, GOING OFFTHE GRID.

TO DODGENSA #CATCHMEIFYOUCAN

AND TWEET.

WELL, I BELIEVE I'VE EARNEDMYSELF A BREAK.

PEN? SHOW ME NAKED PICTURES.

WOW.

WOW.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)(APPLAUSE)

THAT IS SOME SICK STUFF.

YOU KNOW WHAT, I BETTERDELETE HISTORY.

(LAUGHTER)ALL RIGHT.

AND PUT IN TRASH.

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