Guess Who's Coming to Thanksgiving Dinner?

  • Aired:  11/21/13
  •  | Views: 82,885

Stephen's DVD allows every family to experience the joy of having him as a guest of honor at Thanksgiving. (5:11)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERYMUCH.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

NATION, AS YOU KNOW, THIS IS MYLAST SHOW BEFORE THANKSGIVING.

AND SOMETIMES IT'S HARD TO GETTHROUGH THE HOLIDAY WITHOUT THE

THING YOU'RE MOST THANKFUL FOR--ME.

( LAUGHTER )WHICH IS WHY THIS YEAR, YOU CAN

HAVE STEPHEN COLBERT AS A GUESTAT YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )ALL YOU HAVE TO DO-- I KNOW,IN,

CALM DOWN, CALM DOWN.

WE'LL GET THERE.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SET APLACE AT YOUR TABLE, PUT YOUR

LAPTOP AT IT, AND FIRE UP THISXCITING NEW DVD, "STEPHENSTEPHEN

COLBERT'S GUESS WHO'S COMING TODINNER?

IT'S ME, STEPHEN COLBERT."

AS YOU CAN SEE -- ( CHEERS )

HERE I AM, DRESSED AS A ROASTTURKEY ENJOYING A DRUM STICK,

BECAUSE NOTHING EVOKES THEHARDSHIP OF THE FIRST COLONIES

LIKE CANNIBALISM.

( LAUGHTER )FOR JUST THREE INCREASING

PAYMENTS OF $39.99, I'LL BE YOURTHANKSGIVING GUEST OF HONOR.

ALL THAT'S LEFT IS TAKE YOURCREDIT CARD NUMBERS AND RECORD

THE DVD, LET'S DO THAT PARTRIGHT NOW.

JIM, COME ON, LET'S DO IT.

>> OKAY, HERE WE GO.

>> Stephen: OH, HI!

THANKS FOR INVITING ME-- INSERTNAME" FAMILY.

BUT BEFORE WE BEGIN, A PRAYER OFTHANKSGIVING.

DEAR LORD, JESUS CHRIST, THE ONETRUE SAVIOR WHO WILL SOME DAY

JUDGE THOSE SITTING AT THISTABLE.

THANK YOU FOR THIS BOUNTY, WHICHWE ARE ABOUT TO TAKE PARTAKE OF.

ALSO THANKS FOR NOT MAKING USINDIANS.

TALK ABOUT A ROUGH RIDE.

AMEN, LET'S EAT.

OKAY!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )OKAY.

MMM-MMM!

OBOY!

MMM-MMM.

SO TENDER!

YOU WOULD HAVE TO BE AN IDIOT TOBE A VEGETARIAN.

( LAUGHTER )I'M TALKING TO YOU, KAREN.

SURE, SAVING A LOT OF ANIMALS BYNOT EATING THIS DEAD ONE.

OH, OH, OH, GO RUN INTO THEFOREST, LITTLE GUY, BE BRAVE.

AND IS THIS STUFFING IS TO DIEFOR.

NOT THAT UNCLE RICK WOULD KNOWWHAT WITH HIS MADE-UP GLUTEN

ALLERGY.

IF THIS WAS THE OLD DAY, YOUWEAK LINKS WOULD HAVE BEEN WHIP

OUTSIDE OF THE GENE POOL A LOCKTIME AGO LIKE GOD INTENDED.

ALL RIGHT.

MMM-MMMM.

NOW I KNOW I'M NOT SUPPOSED TOTALK LIKE THIS IN FRONT OF THE

RANDOM STRANGER DAD MET AT THESTARBUCKS AND EIN VIETED OVER

BECAUSE HE HAD NOWHERE TO GO.

NOW HE'S GOT SOMEWHERE TO GO,THROUGH EVERYONE'S PURSES.

MARK MY WORDS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

HEY, HEY, HEY, I'M SORRY, I'MSORRY!

YOU DON'T HAVE TO YELL, OKAY?

LET'S JUST HAVE A NICE MEAL FORONCE, PLEASE.

ALL RIGHT.

( APPLAUSE )ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, I'M JUST GOINGTO STAY, ALL RIGHT?

MARX, ARE YOU GAY IN NAN BACK MEUP ON THIS ONE.

HEY, BOB, YOU STILL HAVE THATTEDPAINDMANIAN GUY DOING YOUR LAN.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO SWITCH TOGUATEMALEN.

THEY'RE LIKE STRONGER, MOREGRATEFUL ITALIANS.

CARTER, MADISON, STOP CLANKINGTHE DAMN SILVERWARE.

UNCLE STEPHEN'S TRYING TO DRINK!

( LAUGHTER )I'M FAT.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

KAREN, YOUR PIE TASTES LIKEBROWN SPACKLE.

OH, COME ON, KAREN.

STOP CRYING!

IS IT BECAUSE MARK'S GAY?

HE'S NOT CRYING.

WELL, HE WASN'T A MINUTE OKAY.

KNOCK IT OFF, BULDY.

YOU'RE NOT HELPING YOUR CASEANYWAY.

LOOK I'LL CUT TO THE CHASE,EVERYBODY.

I NEED TO BORROW $15,000.

IT'S NOT GAMBLING THIS TIME,OKAY, IT'S FOR AN INVESTMENT,

OKAY.

HERE IT IS.

IT'S AN INVENTION.

IT LOOKS LIKE A PEN BUT ITACTUALLY HOLDS TWO TRIPLE A

BATTERIES, OKAY.

IT'S THE PERFECT THING FOR THENEXT TIME YOU NEED BATTERIES, OR

A-- OR A PEN.

ACTUALLY, SCRATCH THAT.

THE PEN DOESN'T WORK.

IT JUST LOOKS LIKE A PEN.

UNCLE RICK, YOU IN?

HOW ABOUT YOU STARBUCKS GUY?

WHY CAN'T YOU SUPPORT ME FORONCE!

JUST THIS ONE TIME.

I'M SORRY WE CAN'T ALL BEPERFECT,NANA.

IF ANYBODY NEEDS ME I'LL BE INTHE CAR.

HERE'S A BIRD I COOKED FOR YOU.

HEY, HEY.

( APPLAUSE )YOU LIKE THAT?

IS THAT TASTY?

HEY, WHO WANTS SECONDS?

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

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