Fallback Position - Migrant Worker Pt. 2

  • Aired:  09/23/10
  •  | Views: 204,735

Stephen builds boxes, packs corn and picks beans to prove he has what it takes to be a migrant farm worker. (8:12)

WHO KNOWS.

NATION, I'VE SAID IT BEFORE.

THE DEMOCRATS LOVE TO THROW CASH

AROUND.

NOW THEY'VE FOUND A WHOLE NEW

FORM OF WASTEFUL GOVERNMENT

SPENDING -- ME.

BECAUSE TOMORROW I, STEPHEN

COLBERT, WILL BE TESTIFYING

BEFORE CONGRESS, HALF-SPOKEN

WORDS.

NOW, THAT NEWS MADE ONE OF THE

FRIENDLY FRIENDS OVER AT FOX AND

FRIENDS, GRETCHEN CARLSON, SO

INCENSED THIS MORNING THAT HER

HAIR NEARLY MOVED.

[LAUGHTER]

JIM?

>> I MEAN, THE IDEA THAT WE'RE

GOING TO WASTE OUR TAXPAYER

DOLLARS FOR THIS GUY TO GO UP ON

CAPITOL HILL, AND WE'RE SUPPOSED

TO SIT THERE AND TAKE THAT?

>> NO, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SIT

THERE AND BLOW IT OUT OF

PROPORTION.

READ YOUR CONTRACT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

RIGHT IN THERE.

IT'S RIGHT AT THE BOTTOM.

BUT I'M GOING TO SURPRISE YOU

FOLKS.

I AGREE WITH GRETCHEN.

I AM A HUGE WASTE OF TAXPAYER

DOLLARS.

THERE'S MY HOTEL, MY MEALS, AND,

OF COURSE, MY MOBILE SNOW

MACHINE SO I CAN CROSS-COUNTRY

SKI THE ENTIRE WAY THERE.

ALL OF WHICH I AM PAYING FOR.

BUT CONGRESS IS ON THE HOOK FOR

MY WATER, AS MUCH AS I WANT.

[LAUGHTER]

PLUS THE ELECTRICITY POWERING MY

MICROPHONE FOR A FULL FIVE

MINUTES OF TALK TIME.

GOD ONLY KNOWS HOW MANY

HOSPITALS WON'T BE BUILT BECAUSE

OF ME.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, UNFORTUNATELY, NOT ALL THE

FOX AND FRIENDS HAD THE

JOURNALISTIC INSTINCTS OF A

GRETCHEN CARLSON.

>> MR. COLBERT WILL BE

TESTIFYING IN CHARACTER.

WAIT A MINUTE.

UNDER OATH?

IN CHARACTER?

WHAT'S THAT ABOUT.

>> Stephen: LET ME STOP THAT

RUMOR RIGHT NOW.

IT'S TRUE, I DO HAVE A

CHARACTER, BUT REST ASSURED, I

WILL NOT BE ADDRESSING CONGRESS

AS MY CHINESE PERSONA CHING

CHONG DING DONG.

"OH, I LOVE TEA."

I AM THE FIRST TO SAY HE WOULD

BE COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE.

[LAUGHTER]

THOUGH I HAPPEN TO KNOW HE IS

PREPARED TO SAY UNDER OATH,

"IMMIGRATION BIIIIG PROB-REM."

[LAUGHTER]

THE TRUTH IS I WOULD NEVER

DISRESPECT CONGRESS LIKE THAT.

IT WOULD SELLLY THE GOOD NAME OF

EXPERTS THAT

REPUBLICAN-CONTROLLED CONGRESSES

HAVE ACTUALLY CALLED TO TESTIFY

IN THE PAST, LIKE CHRISTIE

BRINKLEY AND ELMO.

[LAUGHTER]

WHO YOU'LL NOTICE WAS CLASSY

ENOUGH TO PUT ON A SUIT, UNLIKE

HOW HE USUALLY WALKS AROUND

SWINGING IN THE BREEZE.

[LAUGHTER]

INCIDENTALLY, THE CARPET MATCHES

THE DRAPES.

ACTUALLY IT'S ALL CARPET.

SO JUST WHAT AM I GOING TO BE

TESTIFYING ABOUT?

WELL, HERE'S A PREVIEW IN PART

TWO OF "STEPHEN COLBERT'S

FALLBACK POSITION: MIGRANT

WORKER."

LAST NIGHT I INTERVIEWED THE

NOTORIOUS MEXICAN CODDLER.

TONIGHT IT'S TIME TO GET MY FARM

ON, AND I'M READY.

FIRST I MET THE FARM'S MANAGER

SAM.

SAM, DO SOME FARM STUFF.

THE COW SAYS MOO.

>> LET'S GO.

>> Stephen: FIRST UP, BUILDING

BOXES TO SHIP THE CORN.

DO YOU HAVE TO WATCH ME WHILE I

DO THIS?

>> YES.

>> Stephen: THIS ONE'S BROKEN.

YOU EVER BUILD A FORT OUT OF

THESE AND FIGHT EACH OTHER WITH

EARS OF CORN?

>> NO.

>> Stephen: NO?

>> NO.

>> Stephen: NEXT, CORN

PACKING, 48 TO A CRATE AS FAST

AS YOU CAN.

ALL RIGHT.

WHAT ARE WE DOING?

>> OKAY.

PACK THE CORN.

>> Stephen: WHAT'S SMALL EAR?

>> THIS.

>> Stephen: ANYTHING LESS THAN

SEVEN INCHES IS NO GOOD?

>> TOO SMALL.

>> Stephen: THAT'S KIND OF

JUDGMENTAL.

I'VE BEEN ASSURED A GOOD SIZE...

THAT'S ADORABLE, SAM.

HAVE A HEART.

>> YOU'RE GOING TO BE PICKING

YOUR OWN, NOT STEALING OTHERS.

>> Stephen: I GOT IT, I GOT

IT.

JUST THROW IT DOWN, SISTER.

YOU CHECKING ME OUT?

>> OH, YES.

>> Stephen: SO WHAT ARE YOU

DOING FOR NEXT EIGHT HOURS?

♪ GIVE US ANY CHANCE WE'LL TAKE

IT

♪ READ US ANY RULE WE'LL BREAK

IT ♪♪

>> HURRY UP A LITTLE BIT MORE.

>> Stephen: I'M HURRYING AS

FAST AS I CAN.

SAM, I DON'T NEED THIS PRESSURE.

THERE YOU GO.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

I HAD PROVED I WAS A MONSTER

PACKER.

NEXT SAM GAVE ME A BUCKET TO

PICK SOME BEANS.

ARE THERE ANY BEANS THAT ARE IN

THE SHADE?

>> NO BEANS IN THE SHADE.

>> Stephen: NO BEANS IN THE

SHADE?

>> NOPE.

>> Stephen: AND THE WHOLE

PLANT LIKE THAT?

>> NO, YOU DO THE PLANT AND

THERE'S NO MORE BEANS.

>> Stephen: WHAT?

>> YOU PULL THAT OUT, THERE WILL

BE NO MORE WORK.

>> Stephen: BUT I GOT ALL THE

BEANS.

LOOK AT THAT.

THEN I'LL JUST REPLANT IT.

NOW IT'S ALL BACK IN.

THAT'S GOOD.

YOU MIND NOT CROWDING ME HERE,

GRANDPA?

I'M TRYING TO PICK THESE BEANS.

YOU'RE ON MY TURF HERE.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

CAN I PUNCH HIM?

DID HE SAY ANYTHING BAD TO ME?

>> SCOOT ON OVER.

YOU NEED TO GET BACK TO WORK.

>> Stephen: I'M JUST PLAYING A

LITTLE FARMVILLE.

>> THERE'S NO PLAYING...

>> Stephen: HOLD ON.

I JUST WANT TO SHIFT MY CROP.

I'M DONE.

DID I MISS SOMETHING IN ARE THE

BEANS GONE?

DID I MISS SOMETHING?

[LAUGHTER]

SAM, DO I GET PAID BY THE BEAN

OR BY THE HOUR?

>> BY THE HOUR.

>> Stephen: AND HOW MANY HOURS

HAVE I BEEN WORKING?

>> ABOUT 12 MINUTES.

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER]

>> Stephen: THIS IS WHY I

DON'T EAT SALAD, SAM.

THIS, THIS IS WHY I DON'T EAT

SALAD.

WHERE ARE THEY GOING?

>> THEY'RE DONE.

THEY'RE FINISHED PICKING.

>> Stephen: WAIT, I'M DONE,

TOO.

WE ALL GOT HERE AT THE SAME

TIME.

NEW YORK I'M DONE.

>> EVERYBODY'S GOT TO PICK THEIR

OWN BASKET... PICK THEIR OWN

BASKET... PICK THEIR OWN BASKET.

♪♪

♪♪

[LAUGHTER]

>> Stephen: I PICKED.

I PACKED.

I EVEN MADE SOME FRIENDS.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

NOW MY FATE WAS IN SAM'S HANDS.

LOOK, SAM, YOU SAID TAKE OUR

JOBS PLEASE.

I CAME.

I WORKED OUT THERE HARVESTING

AMERICA'S CROPS.

SO TELL ME, DO I HAVE WHAT IT

TAKES TO BE A MIGRANT FARM

WORKER?

>> I'M SORRY, SIR, BUT YOU'RE

NOT QUALIFIED.

>> Stephen: OH, THANK GOD!

CAN I GO HOME NOW?

>> PLEASE.

>> Stephen: WHERE IS MY

DRIVER?

PABLO.

THANKS, PABLO, LET'S GO,

Loading...