WHO KNOWS.
NATION, I'VE SAID IT BEFORE.
THE DEMOCRATS LOVE TO THROW CASH
AROUND.
NOW THEY'VE FOUND A WHOLE NEW
FORM OF WASTEFUL GOVERNMENT
SPENDING -- ME.
BECAUSE TOMORROW I, STEPHEN
COLBERT, WILL BE TESTIFYING
BEFORE CONGRESS, HALF-SPOKEN
WORDS.
NOW, THAT NEWS MADE ONE OF THE
FRIENDLY FRIENDS OVER AT FOX AND
FRIENDS, GRETCHEN CARLSON, SO
INCENSED THIS MORNING THAT HER
HAIR NEARLY MOVED.
[LAUGHTER]
JIM?
>> I MEAN, THE IDEA THAT WE'RE
GOING TO WASTE OUR TAXPAYER
DOLLARS FOR THIS GUY TO GO UP ON
CAPITOL HILL, AND WE'RE SUPPOSED
TO SIT THERE AND TAKE THAT?
>> NO, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SIT
THERE AND BLOW IT OUT OF
PROPORTION.
READ YOUR CONTRACT.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
RIGHT IN THERE.
IT'S RIGHT AT THE BOTTOM.
BUT I'M GOING TO SURPRISE YOU
FOLKS.
I AGREE WITH GRETCHEN.
I AM A HUGE WASTE OF TAXPAYER
DOLLARS.
THERE'S MY HOTEL, MY MEALS, AND,
OF COURSE, MY MOBILE SNOW
MACHINE SO I CAN CROSS-COUNTRY
SKI THE ENTIRE WAY THERE.
ALL OF WHICH I AM PAYING FOR.
BUT CONGRESS IS ON THE HOOK FOR
MY WATER, AS MUCH AS I WANT.
[LAUGHTER]
PLUS THE ELECTRICITY POWERING MY
MICROPHONE FOR A FULL FIVE
MINUTES OF TALK TIME.
GOD ONLY KNOWS HOW MANY
HOSPITALS WON'T BE BUILT BECAUSE
OF ME.
[LAUGHTER]
NOW, UNFORTUNATELY, NOT ALL THE
FOX AND FRIENDS HAD THE
JOURNALISTIC INSTINCTS OF A
GRETCHEN CARLSON.
>> MR. COLBERT WILL BE
TESTIFYING IN CHARACTER.
WAIT A MINUTE.
UNDER OATH?
IN CHARACTER?
WHAT'S THAT ABOUT.
>> Stephen: LET ME STOP THAT
RUMOR RIGHT NOW.
IT'S TRUE, I DO HAVE A
CHARACTER, BUT REST ASSURED, I
WILL NOT BE ADDRESSING CONGRESS
AS MY CHINESE PERSONA CHING
CHONG DING DONG.
"OH, I LOVE TEA."
I AM THE FIRST TO SAY HE WOULD
BE COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE.
[LAUGHTER]
THOUGH I HAPPEN TO KNOW HE IS
PREPARED TO SAY UNDER OATH,
"IMMIGRATION BIIIIG PROB-REM."
[LAUGHTER]
THE TRUTH IS I WOULD NEVER
DISRESPECT CONGRESS LIKE THAT.
IT WOULD SELLLY THE GOOD NAME OF
EXPERTS THAT
REPUBLICAN-CONTROLLED CONGRESSES
HAVE ACTUALLY CALLED TO TESTIFY
IN THE PAST, LIKE CHRISTIE
BRINKLEY AND ELMO.
[LAUGHTER]
WHO YOU'LL NOTICE WAS CLASSY
ENOUGH TO PUT ON A SUIT, UNLIKE
HOW HE USUALLY WALKS AROUND
SWINGING IN THE BREEZE.
[LAUGHTER]
INCIDENTALLY, THE CARPET MATCHES
THE DRAPES.
ACTUALLY IT'S ALL CARPET.
SO JUST WHAT AM I GOING TO BE
TESTIFYING ABOUT?
WELL, HERE'S A PREVIEW IN PART
TWO OF "STEPHEN COLBERT'S
FALLBACK POSITION: MIGRANT
WORKER."
LAST NIGHT I INTERVIEWED THE
NOTORIOUS MEXICAN CODDLER.
TONIGHT IT'S TIME TO GET MY FARM
ON, AND I'M READY.
FIRST I MET THE FARM'S MANAGER
SAM.
SAM, DO SOME FARM STUFF.
THE COW SAYS MOO.
>> LET'S GO.
>> Stephen: FIRST UP, BUILDING
BOXES TO SHIP THE CORN.
DO YOU HAVE TO WATCH ME WHILE I
DO THIS?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: THIS ONE'S BROKEN.
YOU EVER BUILD A FORT OUT OF
THESE AND FIGHT EACH OTHER WITH
EARS OF CORN?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: NO?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: NEXT, CORN
PACKING, 48 TO A CRATE AS FAST
AS YOU CAN.
ALL RIGHT.
WHAT ARE WE DOING?
>> OKAY.
PACK THE CORN.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S SMALL EAR?
>> THIS.
>> Stephen: ANYTHING LESS THAN
SEVEN INCHES IS NO GOOD?
>> TOO SMALL.
>> Stephen: THAT'S KIND OF
JUDGMENTAL.
I'VE BEEN ASSURED A GOOD SIZE...
THAT'S ADORABLE, SAM.
HAVE A HEART.
>> YOU'RE GOING TO BE PICKING
YOUR OWN, NOT STEALING OTHERS.
>> Stephen: I GOT IT, I GOT
IT.
JUST THROW IT DOWN, SISTER.
YOU CHECKING ME OUT?
>> OH, YES.
>> Stephen: SO WHAT ARE YOU
DOING FOR NEXT EIGHT HOURS?
♪ GIVE US ANY CHANCE WE'LL TAKE
IT
♪ READ US ANY RULE WE'LL BREAK
IT ♪♪
>> HURRY UP A LITTLE BIT MORE.
>> Stephen: I'M HURRYING AS
FAST AS I CAN.
SAM, I DON'T NEED THIS PRESSURE.
THERE YOU GO.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
I HAD PROVED I WAS A MONSTER
PACKER.
NEXT SAM GAVE ME A BUCKET TO
PICK SOME BEANS.
ARE THERE ANY BEANS THAT ARE IN
THE SHADE?
>> NO BEANS IN THE SHADE.
>> Stephen: NO BEANS IN THE
SHADE?
>> NOPE.
>> Stephen: AND THE WHOLE
PLANT LIKE THAT?
>> NO, YOU DO THE PLANT AND
THERE'S NO MORE BEANS.
>> Stephen: WHAT?
>> YOU PULL THAT OUT, THERE WILL
BE NO MORE WORK.
>> Stephen: BUT I GOT ALL THE
BEANS.
LOOK AT THAT.
THEN I'LL JUST REPLANT IT.
NOW IT'S ALL BACK IN.
THAT'S GOOD.
YOU MIND NOT CROWDING ME HERE,
GRANDPA?
I'M TRYING TO PICK THESE BEANS.
YOU'RE ON MY TURF HERE.
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
CAN I PUNCH HIM?
DID HE SAY ANYTHING BAD TO ME?
>> SCOOT ON OVER.
YOU NEED TO GET BACK TO WORK.
>> Stephen: I'M JUST PLAYING A
LITTLE FARMVILLE.
>> THERE'S NO PLAYING...
>> Stephen: HOLD ON.
I JUST WANT TO SHIFT MY CROP.
I'M DONE.
DID I MISS SOMETHING IN ARE THE
BEANS GONE?
DID I MISS SOMETHING?
[LAUGHTER]
SAM, DO I GET PAID BY THE BEAN
OR BY THE HOUR?
>> BY THE HOUR.
>> Stephen: AND HOW MANY HOURS
HAVE I BEEN WORKING?
>> ABOUT 12 MINUTES.
[LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHTER]
>> Stephen: THIS IS WHY I
DON'T EAT SALAD, SAM.
THIS, THIS IS WHY I DON'T EAT
SALAD.
WHERE ARE THEY GOING?
>> THEY'RE DONE.
THEY'RE FINISHED PICKING.
>> Stephen: WAIT, I'M DONE,
TOO.
WE ALL GOT HERE AT THE SAME
TIME.
NEW YORK I'M DONE.
>> EVERYBODY'S GOT TO PICK THEIR
OWN BASKET... PICK THEIR OWN
BASKET... PICK THEIR OWN BASKET.
♪♪
♪♪
[LAUGHTER]
>> Stephen: I PICKED.
I PACKED.
I EVEN MADE SOME FRIENDS.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
NOW MY FATE WAS IN SAM'S HANDS.
LOOK, SAM, YOU SAID TAKE OUR
JOBS PLEASE.
I CAME.
I WORKED OUT THERE HARVESTING
AMERICA'S CROPS.
SO TELL ME, DO I HAVE WHAT IT
TAKES TO BE A MIGRANT FARM
WORKER?
>> I'M SORRY, SIR, BUT YOU'RE
NOT QUALIFIED.
>> Stephen: OH, THANK GOD!
CAN I GO HOME NOW?
>> PLEASE.
>> Stephen: WHERE IS MY
DRIVER?
PABLO.
THANKS, PABLO, LET'S GO,