The Word - Death and Taxes

  • Aired:  09/20/11
  •  | Views: 66,609

If Americans don't find someone to pay the government's tab soon, Congress may get desperate enough to do the unthinkable. (4:31)

THE SOLE REASON THEY EXIST?

(LAUGHTER)

NOW, FORTUNATELY, THERE IS A WAY

TO RAISE REVENUE WITHOUT ASKING

ANYTHING OF OUR JOB CREATORS AND

IT'S THE SUBJECT OF TONIGHT'S

WORD.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

DEATH AND TAXES, FOLKS, IF WE

DON'T FIND SOMEONE TO PAY THE

GOVERNMENT'S TAB SOON, CONGRESS

MAY GET DESPERATE ENOUGH TO DO

THE UNTHINKABLE-- WHAT THE

MAJORITY WANTS.

(LAUGHTER)

FORTUNATELY THE REPUBLICANS HAVE

ANOTHER WAY.

>> LET'S GROW THE ECONOMY AND

CREATE JOBS, BROADEN THE TAX

BASE.

>> WE NEED TO LOWER TAX RATES

FOR CORPORATIONS AND INDIVIDUALS

AND BROADEN THE TAX BASE.

>> WE'VE GOT TO BROADEN THE

BASE.

>> WE NEED TO BROADEN THE BASE

SO THAT EVERYBODY PAYS

SOMETHING-- EVEN IF IT'S A

DOLLAR.

>> Stephen: YES.

WE NEED TO BROADEN THE BASE.

RIGHT NOW OUR ECONOMY IS

BALANCED ON SUCH A TINY BASE

THAT EVERY TIME WALL STREET

POURS ALL OF OUR MONEY INTO AN

ELABORATE SCHEME BASED ON THE

INABILITY OF POOR PEOPLE TO PAY

THEIR MORTGAGES IT COLLAPSES.

(LAUGHTER)

SO THE QUESTION IS...

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THE QUESTION IS, FOLKS, HOW DO

WE BROADEN IT?

WELL, LUCKILY...

(LAUGHTER)

AMERICA IS SITTING ON VAST

FIELDS OF UNTAPPED REVENUE.

>> WE'RE DISMAYED.

WE'RE DISMAYED AT THE INJUSTICE

THAT NEARLY HALF OF ALL

AMERICANS DON'T EVEN PAY ANY

INCOME TAX.

>> HALF THE PEOPLE IN THIS

COUNTRY PAY NO INCOME TAX AT

ALL.

>> 47% PAY NOTHING.

EVERYONE SHOULD PAY SOMETHING

BECAUSE WE ALL BENEFIT.

>> Stephen: MICHELE BACHMANN IS

RIGHT.

EVERYONE NEEDS TO CONTRIBUTE

BECAUSE WE ALL BENEFIT FROM THE

GOVERNMENT PROGRAMS SHE HAS

PROMISED TO ELIMINATE ON DAY

ONE.

(LAUGHTER)

SO...

(LAUGHTER)

JUST HOW... JUST HOW DO THESE

FREELOADERS DODGE FEDERAL INCOME

TAXES?

WELL, IT TURNS OUT HALF OF THEM

DON'T PAY SIMPLY BECAUSE THEY

MAKE LESS THAN

$20,000 A YEAR.

THAT'S RIGHT.

THEY ARE LIVING THE GOOD LIFE IN

THEIR CUSHY JOBS AS FRY COOKS,

WAL-MART GREETERS AND

SLAUGHTERHOUSE FLOOR GREAT

DEBRAINERS.

"OH, LOOK AT ME, ITCH MY OWN

APRON!"

AND BEFORE YOU CRY FOR THE POOR,

REMEMBER 90% OF SOUP KITCHENS

REPORTED INCREASED DEMAND OVER

THE LAST YEAR.

THAT'S RIGHT.

THE SO-CALLED POOR HAVE SPECIAL

KITCHENS JUST FOR SOUP.

(LAUGHTER)

SO SAVE YOUR TEARS, FOLKS.

AND IT'S NOT JUST LOW INCOME

WORKERS BECAUSE OVER 20% OF

THESE MOOCHMERICANS ARE ELDERLY

PEOPLE ENJOYING TAX-FREE SOCIAL

SECURITY BENEFITS.

MONEY THEY USE TO FUEL THEIR

DECADENT LIFE-STYLES SITTING

AROUND THE HOUSE TAKING DRUGS

ALL DAY.

AND I BELIEVE THAT WE CANNOT

STOP AT THE ELDERLY AND THE

WORKING POOR.

WE MUST ALSO TAX EVERYONE WHO

FOUND THE ULTIMATE LOOPHOLE IN

OUR INCOME TAX CODE-- HAVING NO

INCOME.

JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE ONE OF THE

16.6 MILLION UNEMPLOYED

AMERICANS DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN'T

PULL YOUR WEIGHT.

THAT'S WHY GOD GAVE YOU TWO

KIDNEYS!

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

AND THOSE WHO SAY, OH, ARE YOU

GOING TO TAX THE POOR TO DEATH?

I SAY DEATH NO EXCUSE FOR NOT

PAYING THEIR SHARE!

I MEAN, JUST THINK...

(LAUGHTER)

JUST THINK OF THESE LAZY BONES

LYING ON THEIR BACKS ALL DAY IN

THEIR FANCY SATIN BOXES.

HEY, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT

MY BED DOESN'T HAVE A LID.

(LAUGHTER)

SO, FOLKS, LET'S NOT JUST

BROADEN THE STACKS BASE, I SAY

WE NEED TO DEEPEN THE TAX BASE.

AND LET'S FORCE THESE CADAVERCAN

AMERICANS TO PAY IN THE FORM OF

RINGS, WATCHES, AND WHATEVER

ELSE WE CAN PRY FROM THEIR COLD,

DEAD HANDS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THAT IS NOT GRAVE ROBBING, IT'S

GRAVE SHARING!

BECAUSE TO SOLVE THE DEFICIT, WE

HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO TAX THE

WORKING POOR, THE NON-WORKING

POOR, AND THE NON-LIVING POOR.

(LAUGHTER)

OTHERWISE, WE MIGHT HAVE TO

CONSIDER RAISING TAXES ON THE

WEALTHY.

AND THAT'S THE WORD.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)