Tip/Wag - U.S. Department of Justice & Wall Street

  • Aired:  03/11/14
  •  | Views: 20,542

The federal government sues Sprint over the cost of eavesdropping, and employers demand S.A.T. scores from applicants of all ages. (4:38)

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,EVERYBODY.

NATION, YOU KNOW I'VE GOT MYOPINIONS.

THAT'S NOT A SECRET.

BUT I HAVE NEVER BEEN ONE TO SITIN JUDGMENT.

I PREFER TO RECLINE. THIS ISTIP OF THE HAT, WAG OF

THE FINGER.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )FIRST UP ON TIPPY CANOE AND THE

WAG-WAG 2.

I ALWAYS SUPPORTED THEGOVERNMENT SPYING PROGRAMS BUT

APPARENTLY UNCHECKEDEAVESDROPPING ON OUR OWN

CITIZENS COMES WITH A TERRIBLEPRICE-- THE PRICE.

>> THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IS NOWSUING SPRINT OVER THE COST OF

BUGGING PEOPLE'S PHONES.

THE LAWSUIT FILED MONDAY CLAIMSSPRINT OVERBILLED THE F.B.I. AND

OTHER AGENCIES BY $21 MILLIONFOR INSTALLING AND MAINTAINING

WIRETAPS.

>> Stephen: CLASSIC PHONECOMPANY TRICK.

YOU THINK YOU HAVE ANALL-INCLUSIVE MAN PLAN AND THEN

THEY HIT YOU WITH THE LINEMAINTENANCE CHARGE.

I'LL GIVE A TIP OF THE HAT TOTHE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE

FOR PUBLICLY SUING SPRINT OVERTHEIR TOP-SECRET WIRETAPPING

PROGRAM.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )I MEAN, THAT TAKES BALLS.

IT'S LIKE A GUY TELLING HISWIFE, "I WANT YOU TO KNOW I'M

SUING THE PROSTITUTE THAT GAVEUS BOTH HERPES.

BY THE WAY, I GO TO PROSTITUTESAND YOU NOW HAVE HERPES.

FOLKS IT SHOULD NOT HAVE COME TOTHIS.

SO I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GIVE ASIDE WAG OF THE FINGER TO BARACK

OBAMA FOR WASTING ALMOST $21MILLION OF TAXPAYER CASH.

MR. PRESIDENT, I'M NOT ANGRY.

I'M JUST DISAPPOINTED.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE ABLE TOHANDLE A WIDESPREAD SURVEILLANCE

PROGRAM AT YOUR AGE.

YOU SAID YOU HAD TO HAVE ONEBECAUSE ALL THE OTHER LEADERS OF

THE FREE WORLD DID, BUT IT WASSUPPOSED TO BE FOR

EMERGENCIES ONLY.

IF YOU NEED THWART A MAJORTERRORIST ATTACK.

THEN YOU RACK UP $21 MILLION INOVERAGE CHARGES.

YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT AHEADAND SIGNED UP FOR FRIENDS,

FAMILY, AND EVERYONE ELSE PLAN.

LOOK, SOMEONE HAS TO PAY FORTHIS, SIR, BECAUSE EVEN THE

PRESIDENT OF THE U.S. ISBOUND BY HIS CELL PHONE

AGREEMENT THOUGH APPARENTLY NOTBY THE CONSTITUTION.

NOW, FINALLY FOLKS, FINALLY--DON'T FORGET TO SIGN UP FOR

OBAMACARE, BY THE WAY.

FINALLY, I KNOW A LOT OF YOUHIGH SCHOOLERS OUT THERE ARE

FEELING THE STRESS OF THE S.A.TSO LET ME PREP YOU.

I'LL GO THROUGH THE SYNONYMSS.A.T., PANIC, ANXIETY,

HORROR, AND FAILURE.

BUT DON'T WORRY.

DON'T WORRY.

YOU WILL DO FINE, AND IF YOUDON'T, THE CONSEQUENCES WILL

HAUNT YOU FOR THE REST OF YOURLIFE.

>> THE NUMBER OF EMPLOYERS AREASKING JOB APPLICANTS FOR S.A.T.

SCORESWE'RE TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE IN

THEIR 40s AND 50s.

>> ACCORDING TO THE "WALL STREETJOURNAL" CONSULTING FIRMS AND

BANKS ARE ASKING THEM EVEN FORSENIOR AND MANAGEMENT-LEVEL JOB.

>> Stephen: I'M GIVING A TIPOF THE HAT TO WALL STREET FOR

ENSURING THAT ONE TEST INTHE SPRING OF YOUR JUNIOR YEAR

SEALS YOUR FATE FOREVER.

WHY SHOULD WE STOP AT TESTSCORES?

THEY SHOULD HAVE YOUR PERMANENTRECORD.

BECAUSE IF YOU WERE SUSPENDEDFOR CHEATING, WELCOME TO

GOLDMAN'S.

NOW CRITICS SAY THERE IS SCANTEVIDENCE LINKING SAT SCORES

SCORES WITH SUCCESS, BUT I KNOW S.A.T. SCORES ARE THE BEST

BAROMETER FOR THE FUTURE,BECAUSE THE OWNER OF VIACOM

SCORED A PERFECT 1600, AND IT'SGOOD IDEA TO SAY THAT YOUR BOSS

IS PERFECT ON TELEVISION.

SO, TEAMS, I WANT YOU TORUMINATE WITH ALACRITY

BECAUSE IF YOU TANK YOUR VERBALSECTION THE ONLY QUESTION YOU'LL

HAVE TO ANSWER WHEN YOU'RE 40IS, "WHAT KIND OF SEX ACT WOULD

PERFORM IN EXCHANGE FOR FOOD?"THE ANSWER-- ALL OF THE ABOVE

AND SOME OF THE BELOW.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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