ThreatDown - Stoned Pat Robertson, Muslim-American Reality TV & Pampered Bears

  • Aired:  03/13/12
  •  | Views: 19,899

An aging Pat Robertson begins to find his mind, "Shahs of Sunset" seduces viewers with Iranian-American sass, and bears go metrosexual. (7:16)

NOT BE ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE

BUILDING.

FOLKS, I'M NOT TRYING TO MAKE

YOU PARANOID, BUT EVERYBODY

KNOWS THAT YOU ARE.

THIS IS THE THREATDOWN.

[SIREN BLARES]

NOW, I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A

DEVOTED FOLLOWER OF

TELEVANGELIST AND SLOWLY

DEFLATING MYLAR BALLOON PAT

ROBERTSON, AND IT IS FOR

MINISTRY LIKE THIS.

>> SOMETHING HAPPENED ALONG TIME

AGO IN HAITI.

THEY GOT TOGETHER AND SWORE A

PACT TO THE DEVIL.

ISLAM IS NOT A RELIGION.

WE ASSUME JEWISH PEOPLE ARE VERY

THIRSTY.

WHAT ABOUT BESTIALITY.

HE LIKES TO HAVE SEX WITH DUCKS.

THOSE WHO ARE INVOLVED IN

MARTIAL ARTS BEFORE THEY START

ARE ACTUALLY INHALING SOME DEMON

SPIRIT.

>> Stephen: IT'S TRUE.

WITHOUT THE DEMON SPIRIT, HOW

ELSE COULD A JONY NEW KID IN

TOWN BEAT THE MIGHTY COBRA KAI.

NO MERCY!

BUT LATELY PAT'S BEEN WORRYING

ME.

FOR INSTANCE, LAST MONTH HE SAID

THIS ABOUT THE 2008 FINANCIAL

CRISIS.

>> WE SHOULD START PUTTING SOME

OF THOSE BANKERS IN JAIL.

THERE HASN'T BEEN ONE SINGLE

PROSECUTION.

THERE WERE ALL KINDS OF SHADY

DEALINGS DURING THAT FINANCIAL

CRISIS.

PEOPLE WERE COMPLICIT ALL THE

WAY UP THE LINE, AND NONE OF

THEM HAVE BEEN HELD ACCOUNTABLE.

>> Stephen: IT IS SO SAD WHEN

AN OLD MAN BEGINS TO FIENGD --

FIND HIS MIND.

PAT IS EXHIBITING ALL THE SIGNS

OF AGE-RELATED MENTIA.

I COULDN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT

BROUGHT ON THE SUDDEN

PERSONALITY CHANGE, BUT PAT SAID

THIS.

>> IT'S TIME WE START LOCKING UP

PEOPLE FOR POSSESSION OF

MARIJUANA.

PARK AUDIENCE REACTS].

>> Stephen: CALM DOWN.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO THREAT NUMBER

THREE: STONED PAT ROBERTSON.

NO WONDER HE'S ALWAYS MAKING

THOSE AGE-DEFYING PANCAKES AND

AGE-DEFYING SHAKES.

HE'S GOT AGE-DEFYING MUNCHIES.

COME ON, PAT!

JESUS SAID HE WOULD MAKE YOU A

FISHER OF MEN, NOT A PHISH FAN

OF MEN.

FOLKS, WE MUST STOP PAT BEFORE

THE 700 CLUB BECOMES THE 420

CLUB.

[LAUGHTER]

NEXT I HAVE NEVER TRUSTED

MUSLIM-AMERICANS.

WHY WOULD THEY LIVE IN AMERICA

WHEN THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE

LIKE ME WHO DON'T TRUST THEM?

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S WHY I WAS OUTRAGED WHEN

THEY WERE GIVEN THEIR OWN

REALITY SHOW, TLC'S ALL-AMERICAN

MUSLIM.

SHAME ON YOU, TLC.

STICK TO WHAT YOU'RE GOOD AT --

WHOLESOME AMERICAN ENTERTAINMENT

LIKE ELDERLY HOARDERS TRAPPED

UNDER A PILE OF URINE-SOAKED

NEWSPAPERS OR THREE-YEAR-OLDS

MADE UP TO LOOK LIKE HOOKERS.

WELL, LAST WEEK TLC CANCELLED

ALL-AMERICAN MUSLIM AND THE

REASON WHY CONFIRMS MY

SUSPICIONS.

>> THE REALITY SHOW ALL-AMERICAN

MUSLIM WON'T BE BACK FOR A

SECOND SEASON DUE TO LOW

RATINGS.

A REALITY SHOW FOLLOWING THE

LIVES OF MUSLIM FAMILIES IN

DEARBORN, MICHIGAN.

TURNS OUT THEY WERE TOO NORMAL.

>> TOO NORMAL.

NATION, THIS PROVES THAT MUSLIMS

THAT MUSLIMS AREN'T REAL

AMERICANS, BECAUSE REAL

AMERICANS WHO GO ON REALITY TV

AREN'T NORMAL AT ALL.

THEY ARE RADICAL EXTREMISTS WHO

SPEW HATRED RUSSIA PRONE TO ACTS

OF SENSELESS SILENCE, AN I'M

PRETTY SURE THEY TAN USING

ENRICHED IRAN YUM.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

BUT JUST BECAUSE... BUT JUST

BECAUSE THESE MILITANTLY BORING

MUSLIMS ARE OFF THE AIR, WE

CANNOT BREATH EASY BECAUSE OF

THREAT NUMBER TWO, SHAH'S OF

SUNSET, BRAVO'S NEW REALITY SHOW

ABOUT RICH PERSIAN AMERICANS

LIVING THE HIGH LIFE IN LOS

ANGELES, OR AS IT WILL NOW

FOREVER BE KNOWN, TEROANGELES.

>> TO OUTSIDERS IT LOOKS LIKE WE

LIVE A GLOOM -- GLAMOROUS LIFE.

AND, IN FACT, WE DO.

>> WE DON'T WORK IN BUILDINGS.

WE OWN THEM.

>> YOU LOOK AMAZING.

IMAGE IS EVERYTHING.

>> I DON'T LIKE ANTS, AN I DON'T

LIKE UGLY PEOPLE.

>> Stephen: THEY'RE JUST LIKE

ME.

I'M ALSORISM AND I DON'T LIKE

UGLY PEOPLE.

AND I ALSO SPRAY MY BALLS WITH

DRAKAR NOIR.

I CANNOT GET ENOUGH OF SASSY

OPENLY GAY RAZOR.

>> WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

WHY ARE YOU WEARING FLIP-FLOPS

WHEN YOU HAVE A FUNG GUS.

COVER THAT MOTHER [BLEEPED] UP.

I HATE [BLEEPED].

I HATE THE PEOPLE THAT COME TO

SALES.

THEY ARE USUALLY GHETTO.

FAT WOMEN SQUEEZING THEIR FAT

FEET INTO SHOES THAT DON'T FIT.

IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE BAKING

BREAD IN THE SHOE, YOU KNOW WHEN

THE MEAT JUST KIND OF STICKS OUT

BECAUSE THE SHOE IS TOO TIGHT.

DO YOU SEE THIS?

DO YOU THINK THIS IS EASY?

DO YOU SEE THIS?

PERFECT.

EAT WITH THIS THEN.

>> Stephen: PERFECTION.

I LOVE HIM!

DO YOU THINK THIS IS EASY?

UH-UH.

LOOK AT THAT.

WHAT AM I DOING?

GOD, STOP IT, COLBERT.

THESE PEOPLE ARE A THREAT.

I CAN'T BE THINKING IRANIANS ARE

GREAT.

SURE, THESE PEOPLE FLED TO

AMERICA, BUT YOU KNOW THERE'S

MORE FABULOUSNESS BACK HOME.

WE CAN'T LET THIS REALITY SHOW

DEW

DUPE US INTO LOVING IRANIANS THE

WAY "QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT

GUY" TRICKED US INTO LIKING GAYS

AND THE WAY "AMERICA'S NEXT TOP

MODEL" CONVINCED US TO LIKE

THIN, BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.

IF WE START WATCHING SHAH'S OF

SUNSET, IT'S POSSIBLE THAT NOT

ONLY WILL WE NOT BOMB IRAN, THIS

NUCLEAR CRISIS WILL BE MEADE

INDICATED NOT BY IRAN BUT BY

ISRAEL AND IRAN SITTING DOWN TO

COCKTAILS WITH ANDY COHEN.

FINALLY, THE NUMBER-ONE THREAT

TO AMERICA, BEARS.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

FOLKS, IF YOU'VE NEVER HEARD ME

WARN YOU ABOUT THESE KILLING

MACHINE, THE CHANCES ARE YOU'VE

BEEN LIVING IN A CAVE.

AND IF YOU'VE BEEN LIVING IN A

CAVE, CHANCES ARE YOU'RE DEAD

FROM A BEAR ATTACK.

IT'S BAD ENOUGH WHEN THEY WERE

MINDLESS MARAUDERS, BUT NOW A

BRITISH RESEARCHER SAYS HE HAS

WITNESSED FOR THE FIRST TIME

EVER A BROWN BEAR USING A STONE

TOOL TO EXFOLIATE.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BEARS HAVE

GONE METROSEXUAL.

THEY'RE MOVING FROM MAN-EATING

TO MANSCAPING.

IT'S A DIRECT THREAT TO THE

SAFETY OF OUR SPAS.

SOON THEY'LL BE FULL OF

GRIZZLIES GETTING MANI PEDIS SO

THEY CAN TEAR US LIMB FROM LIMB

WITHOUT BREAKING A CLAW.

I FOR ONE WILL NEVER GO IN FOR A

FACIAL AGAIN.

I MIGHT COME OUT WITHOUT A FACE.

ARE THOSE CUCUMBER SLICES OVER

MY EYES FOR HYDRATION OR A

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