The Word - It Gets Worse

  • Aired:  01/30/13
  •  | Views: 51,077

Pro-DOMA lawyer Paul Clement thinks the struggle for gay rights has just been too successful, so it therefore must end in failure. (4:59)

GOD KNOWS WHAT THEY'RE DOING WITH THEM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

LUCKILY, ONE BRAVE SOUL IS HOLDING BACK THIS RISING GAY TIDE LIKE A ONE-MAN DIKE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I MEAN -- I MEAN -- I MEAN -- NO, NO, -- I MEAN, WITH HORDES OF GAYS COMING, HE'S BEATING THEM OFF.

NO, NO,.

I MEAN -- I MEAN -- I MEAN, IT BRINGS US TO TONIGHT'S WORD: IT GETS WORSE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FOLKS, THE SUPREME COURT IS ABOUT TO HEAR ARGUMENTS ABOUT THE CONSTITUTIONALITY OF "THE

DEFENSE OF MARRIAGE ACT" OR DOMA, WHICH DEFINES MARRIAGE AS BETWEEN ONE MAN AND ONE WOMAN.

THE ACT WAS SIGNED INTO LAW IN 1996 BY BILL CLINTON-- A MAN WHO UNDERSTANDS BEING DEFENSIVE

ABOUT YOUR MARRIAGE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NOW, BARACK OBAMA'S JUSTICE DEPARTMENT DECIDED NOT TO DEFEND DOMA, BUT DON'T WORRY, YOUR TAX

DOLLARS ARE STILL BEING SPENT ON THE CASE.

HOUSE REPUBLICANS HIRED SUPER-STRAIGHT, SUPER-LAWYER PAUL CLEMENT TO DEFEND MARRIAGE

TO THE TUNE OF $2 MILLION DOLLARS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NOW, THE CASE WON'T BE HEARD UNTIL MARCH, BUT THAT MONEY IS ALREADY BUYING BRILLIANT LEGAL

ARGUMENTS FROM CLEMENT LIKE: "MARRIAGE SHOULD BE LIMITED TO UNIONS OF A MAN AND A WOMAN

BECAUSE THEY ALONE CAN PRODUCE UNPLANNED AND UNINTENDED OFFSPRING."

[ LAUGHTER ]

DAMN STRAIGHT.

YES!

YES, MARRIAGE IS FOR STRAIGHT PEOPLE, WHO CAN GO TO A WEDDING, GET TANKED ON CHABLIS, AND MAKE

A BABY, BAREBACKING IT IN A COAT CLOSET.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AS --

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FANS OF THE COAT CLOSET.

THAT'S HOW GOD INTENDED IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

PLANNING TO HAVE KIDS JUST ISN'T RIGHT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT PERHAPS THE STRONGEST ARGUMENT CLEMENT YANKED OUT OF HIS LAW-HOLE IS THIS ONE:

"GAYS AND LESBIANS HAVE ATTAINED MORE LEGISLATIVE VICTORIES, POLITICAL POWER, AND POPULAR

FAVOR IN LESS TIME THAN VIRTUALLY ANY OTHER GROUP IN AMERICAN HISTORY.

GIVEN THAT THE ULTIMATE INQUIRY FOCUSES ON WHETHER A GROUP NEEDS THE SPECIAL INTERVENTION OF THE

COURTS-- THE POLITICAL STRENGTH OF GAYS AND LESBIANS IN THE POLITICAL PROCESS SHOULD BE

OUTCOME DETERMINATIVE HERE."

>> Stephen: YES, OUTCOME DETERMINATIVE!

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT SORT OF FANCY TALK THAT WILL GET CLEMENT A RULING INHISFAVORATISH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NOW, TRANSLATED FROM THE ORIGINAL PARSEL-TONGUE, HE'S SAYING, GAYS AND LESBIANS HAVE

MADE SO MUCH PROGRESS, SO QUICKLY, THEY NO LONGER NEED THE COURTS TO HELP THEM.

THAT'S UNDERSTANDABLE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S LIKE WHEN YOUR BOSS SAYS, "YOUR HARD WORK AND DEDICATION HAVE REALLY PROVEN THAT YOU

DON'T NEED A PROMOTION."

[ LAUGHTER ]

FACE IT, WE'RE LIVING IN A GOLDEN AGE OF BEING GAY.

THESE DAYS SAME SEX COUPLES CAN GET LEGALLY MARRIED FROM SEATTLE TO BOSTON!

AND ONE PLACE IN BETWEEN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

PLUS, THERE ARE ONLY 29 STATES WHERE IT'S LEGAL TO DENY YOU A JOB BECAUSE YOU'RE GAY.

YOU SEE IN THE 21 OTHER STATES, THEY HAVE TO PRETEND IT'S SOMETHING ELSE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO GIVEN HOW WELL THINGS ARE GOING, THERE'S NO NEED FOR THEM TO GET BETTER.

THE STRUGGLE FOR GAY RIGHTS HAS JUST BEEN TOO SUCCESSFUL, AND THEREFORE IT MUST END IN FAILURE.

YOU KNOW WHO REALLY GOT LUCKY?

THE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO REALLY GOT LUCKY, BLACK PEOPLE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THINGS WERE SO HARD FOR THEM, WE HAD TO HELP.

BUT, IF ROSA PARKS HAD BEEN ALLOWED TO SIT IN THE FRONT OF THE BUS, WE WOULDN'T HAVE CARED

ENOUGH TO DESEGREGATE OUR SCHOOLS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NOW, AS A SUPPORTER OF GAY RIGHTS, SOME OF YOU MIGHT FEEL BAD THAT THEY ARE GOING TO LOSE

THIS STRUGGLE THAT THEY SO DESERVEDLY WON.

PERHAPS, YOU HAVE A GAY FRIEND OR RELATIVE OR YOU WANT TO LEAVE THAT CHOICE OPEN TO YOURSELF.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WELL, IF YOU REALLY WANT TO HELP THE GAYS, OSTRACIZE THEM AT WORK, MOCK THEM AT SCHOOL.

MAKE THEM FEEL LIKE THEY HAVE NO PLACE IN OUR SOCIETY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BECAUSE ACCORDING TO PAUL CLEMENT, WE CAN'T GIVE THEM RIGHTS UNTIL WE WRONG THEM.

AND THAT'S THE WORD.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.