Dennis Tito's Mars Flyby Mission

  • Aired:  03/05/13
  •  | Views: 18,841

Millionaire space tourist Dennis Tito will send a married couple to Mars for the noblest reason there is: impatience. (3:43)

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- NATION --

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NATION, THERE IS NO GREATER FRIEND OF OUTER SPACE THAN YOURS TRULY.

SO NATURALLY, I WAS DISAPPOINTED WHEN NASA'S BUDGET WAS SLASHED.

BUT, FOLKS, THERE IS SOME GREAT NEWS FROM THE PRIVATE SECTOR ANSWER.

>> MILLIONAIRE SPACE TOURIST DENNIS TITO WANTS TO SEND TWO PEOPLE TO THE RED PLANET ON

A 500-DAY JOURNEY.

>> HE IS CONVINCED IT WILL BE FEASIBLE BY 2018.

>> WE HAVE NOT SENT HUMANS BEYOND THE MOON IN 40 YEARS.

I'VE BEEN WAITING MYSELF, AND A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE MY AGE HAVE BEEN WAITING AND WAITING.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

THIS BRAVE ENTREPRENUER WILL SEND TWO ASTRONAUTS TO MARS FOR THE NOBLEST REASON THERE IS: IMPATIENCE.

[LAUGHTER]

IT REMINDS ME OF JOHN F.

KENNEDY'S FAMOUS SPEECH ABOUT PUTTING A MAN ON THE MOON, "WE CHOOSE TO GO THE MOON NOT

BECAUSE IT IS EASY-- BUT COME ON, IT'S GOT TO BE EASY, RIGHT?

LET'S JUST DO IT ALREADY.

JUST STRAP A ROCKET TO SOME GUY'S BACK.

JEESH!"

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BE WARNED FOLKS.

THIS 501-DAY ROUND-TRIP FLYBY IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART BECAUSE THERE WILL BE NO

SHOWERS, LIMITS ON TOILET PAPER AND CLOTHING, DRINKING WATER MADE FROM THE CREW MEMBERS'

RECYCLED URINE AND SWEAT AND ALMOST NO PRIVACY.

IN OTHER WORDS, BASICALLY A CARNIVAL CRUISE.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

STILL -- STILL.

BEING THE FIRST HUMAN TO ORBIT THE RED PLANET IS A MEMORY YOU'LL NEVER FORGET, THAT IS,

UNTIL THE RADIATION FROM THE SUN ACCELERATES THE ONSET OF ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE.

[LAUGHTER]

WHICH EXPLAINS NEIL ARMSTRONG'S FAMOUS WORDS, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN-- THAT'S ONE

SMALL STEP FOR MAN."

[LAUGHTER]

FORTUNATELY, THERE IS A PLAN TO DEAL WITH THE HARMFUL RADIATION-- THE ASTRONAUTS

WILL USE A POOP SHIELD TO BLOCK COSMIC RAYS, WHERE HUMAN WASTE COULD BE STORED IN BAGS

USED TO LINE THE CAPSULE.

THE GOOD NEWS IS BROWN IS A NEUTRAL COLOR, SO IT GOES WITH EVERYTHING.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT BY FAR THE BEST PART OF TITO'S SPACE PLAN IS WHO HE WANTS TO SEND INTO SPACE.

>> HE'S LOOKING FOR A MARRIED COUPLE.

>> IT'S A MAN-WOMAN TEAM, THAT'S INTERESTING, BECAUSE THEY'RE GOING TO SPEND 17 MONTHS UP

THERE TOGETHER IN A SPACE CAPSULE THAT'S SAID TO BE THE SIZE OF A SMALL BATHROOM.

THAT'S RIGHT. COUPLES ONLY.

IMAGINE THE ROMANCE, FLOATING THROUGH THE STARS, AND SHARING A GLASS OF YOUR LOVER'S

RECYCLED PEE.

[LAUGHTER]

AND LIKE ALL COUPLES, YOU'LL BE REDECORTATING.

"SHOULD WE MAKE THIS WALL ALL YOUR POOP, AND THIS ONE ALL MINE?

OR SHOULD WE GO: YOUR POOP, MY POOP, YOUR POOP, MY POOP."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]

I JUST WANT TO TAKE A SECOND HERE TO POINT OUT THAT RECEIVED APPLAUSE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OF COURSE PROSPECTIVE COUPLES WILL WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE UP FOR THE VOYAGE.

SO TO TEST IT OUT, YOU AND YOUR PARTNER SHOULD SPEND A MONTH IN A GEO METRO DRINKING EACH

OTHER'S URINE AND COVERING THE WINDOWS WITH YOUR OWN WASTE.

AND IF A COP ASKS WHAT YOU'RE DOING, JUST TELL THEM YOU'RE TRAINING TO BE AN ASTRONAUT.

[LAUGHTER]

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

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