Stephen's Sister for Congress

  • Aired:  02/06/13
  •  | Views: 40,172

As an objective broadcast journalist, Stephen will not be mentioning that his sister is intelligent, hardworking, compassionate and dedicated to the people of South Carolina. (4:04)

PENNY!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FOLKS, AS YOU KNOW I'M A PROUD SON OF SOUTH CAROLINA.

WE'VE GOT THE BEST PEACHES, THE BEST SHRIMP, AND THE MOST GENEROUS AVERAGE HUMIDITY IN AMERICA.

[LAUGHTER]

86%!

GOING OUTSIDE IN THE SUMMERTIME IS LIKE WALKING THROUGH A REFRESHING CHOWDER.

AND MY LOVE FOR THE PALMETTO STATE IS WHY I WAS A NATURAL CHOICE TO FILL JIM DeMINT'S

SENATE SEAT WHEN HE STEPPED DOWN IN DECEMBER.

SADLY, GOVERNOR NIKKI HALEY APPOINTED REPRESENTATIVE TIM SCOTT WHO WAS THE CONGRESSMAN

FROM MY HOMETOWN OF CHARLESTON, LEAVING THAT CONGRESSIONAL SEAT OPEN.

GOD ONLY KNOWS WHO THEY'RE GOING TO FIND TO FILL IT.

>> AND ELIZABETH COLBERT-BUSCH IS RUNNING FOR CONGRESS IN SOUTH CAROLINA.

SHE IS NOT RELATED TO GEORGE W.

BUSH, BUT SHE IS RELATED TO STEPHEN COLBERT.

THAT'S HIS SISTER.

>> Stephen: HOLY COW!

MY SISTER'S RUNNING FOR CONGRESS!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CROWD CHANTING "COLBERT"] YOU BETTER BE CHEERING FOR ME!

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, LULU -- LULU IS WHAT WE IN THE FAMILY CALLED HER GROWING UP.

I CAN STILL CALL HER THAT BECAUSE SHE STILL CALLS ME BY MY CHILDHOOD NICKNAME: STEPHEN COLBERT.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW RIGHT AWAY, I WANT TO DISPEL ONE OF THE VICIOUS MEDIA RUMOURS THAT IS SWIRLING OUT THERE.

>> COLBERT-BUSCH IS STEPHEN COLBERT'S SISTER.

>> SHE MIGHT BE GETTING A LITTLE FREE TV TIME.

>> Stephen: WRONG!

NO FREE AIR TIME, LULU.

AS A BROADCAST JOURNALIST, I AM OBLIGATED TO MAINTAIN PURE OBJECTIVITY.

IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT ELIZABETH COLBERT BUSCH IS INTELLIGENT, HARD WORKING, COMPASSIONATE, AND

DEDICATED TO THE PEOPLE OF SOUTH CAROLINA.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I WILL NOT BE MENTIONING ANY OF THAT ON MY SHOW.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BESIDES, I'M NOT SURE I CAN SUPPORT HER BECAUSE SHE IS RUNNING AS A DEMOCRAT.

A: I TAKE THAT AS A PERSONAL AFFRONT.

AND TWO, THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT CHOICES ON THE REPUBLICAN SIDE.

NO LESS THAN 16 CANDIDATES HAVE FILED IN THE GOP PRIMARY.

I MEAN REPUBLICANS ARE OVER THIS ELECTION LIKE WHITE ON REPUBLICANS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THERE ARE SOME BIG NAMES ON THE GOP TICKET.

I'M TALKING RIC "THE STICK" BRYANT, THE ELECTRIFYING KEITH "BLAND"FORD, LARRY "BOOM BOOM"

GROOMS, ELIZABETH "KILLING THEM SOFTLY" MOFFLY, AND CHIP "THIS IS MY ACTUAL NAME" LIMEHOUSE.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT AT THIS POINT, I'M LEANING TOWARD ACTUAL CANDIDATE AND FORMER GOVERNOR OF THE

APPALACHIAN TRAIL MARK SANFORD.

[LAUGHTER]

SEE, I'M A FAMILY VALUES CONSERVATIVE AND MARK, HE JUST SEEMS SO STEADY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO, QUICK ADVICE FOR ANY OF YOU REPUBLICANS WHO MIGHT END UP IN A DEBATE WITH MY SISTER.

THIS IS HOW I USED TO WIN A LOT OF ARGUMENTS WITH HER AS A KID.

RIGHT AFTER SHE MAKES A GOOD POINT, REPEAT IT BACK TO HER IN A DUMB VOICE.

[SPEAK IN DUMB VOICE]

"OOO, SOCIAL SECURITY IS A PUBLIC TRUST TO THOSE WHO PAID INTO IT FOR THEIR ENTIRE WORKING

LIVES." "STOP COPYING ME!

I'M TELLING MOM!"

[LAUGHTER]

TRUST ME, IT WORKS.

THEN AGAIN SHE'S TOUGH.

SHE COULD WIN.

AND IF YOU DO, LULU, I HOPE YOU'LL SIT DOWN WITH ME FOR A BETTER KNOW A DISTRICT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT'LL GIVE YOU A CHANCE TO DEFEND SOME SHOCKING REVELATIONS FROM YOUR MIDDLE SCHOOL DIARY.

OH MY GOD!

WE'LL BE RIGHT

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