John Kerry's Dumb Talk

  • Aired:  02/27/13
  •  | Views: 9,966

Secretary of State John Kerry travels to nine nations, champions free speech and invents the country "Kyrzakhstan," a mix between Kyrgyzstan and Kazakhstan. (3:29)

EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NATION -- THANK YOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

EARLIER THIS MONTH JOHN KERRY WAS SWORN IN AS SECRETARY OF STATE, AN ANNOUNCEMENT THAT WAS

MET WITH A RESOUNDING, "YEAH, OKAY."

[LAUGHTER]

AND ON SUNDAY, HE EMBARKED ON A TEN-DAY, NINE-NATION MARATHON THAT I WAS SURPRISED TO SEE DID

NOT INCLUDE HIS HOMELAND OF EASTER ISLAND.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT IN GERMANY, I WAS PROUD TO SEE HE MADE THE CASE FOR AMERICAN GREATNESS.

>> PEOPLE HAVE SOMETIMES WONDERED ABOUT WHY OUR SUPREME COURT ALLOWS ONE GROUP OR

ANOTHER TO MARCH IN A PARADE EVEN THOUGH IT'S THE MOST PROVOCATIVE THING IN THE WORLD

AND THEY CARRY SIGNS THAT ARE AN INSULT TO ONE GROUP OR ANOTHER.

THE REASON IS, THAT'S FREEDOM.

FREEDOM OF SPEECH.

IN AMERICA YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO BE STUPID.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Stephen: YES.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YES.

IN THIS COUNTRY WE'RE ENDOWED.

WITH THE INALIENABLE RIGHT TO BE STUPID.

IT'S RIGHT THERE IN THE CONSTITUTION BETWEEN THE PENIS DOODLE AND THE RANCH DRESSING STAIN.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND JOHN KERRY DOESN'T JUST TALK THE DUMB TALK, HE WALKS THE DUMB WALK.

BECAUSE HERE'S WHAT HE SAID LAST WEEK.

>> THE BRAVE EMPLOYEES OF STATE IN USAID THE DIPLOMATIC SECURITY PERSONNEL WHO PROTECT THE

CIVILIANS SERVING AS OVERSEAS WORK IN SOME OF THE MOST DANGEROUS PLACES ON EARTH.

THEY SUPPORT DEMOCRATIC INSTITUTIONS IN KYRGYZIKSTAN IN GEORGIA.

>> Stephen: YES, KYRGYZIKSTAN.

KYRGYZIKSTAN: IT DOES NOT EXIST.

KERRY WAS ACTUALLY REFERRING TO KYRGYZSTAN AND ACCIDENTALLY MIXED IT UP WITH ITS

NEIGHBOR KAZAKHSTAN.

I MEAN, KYR-ZAKH-STAN?

COURSE, HE'S GOTTEN SOME RIBBING IN THE PRESS FOR MAKING UP A NEW COUNTRY.

AND IT'S WELL DESERVED.

I MEAN, HOW COULD ANYONE EVER CONFUSE KAZAKHSTAN WITH ITS NEIGHBOR KYRGYZSTAN?

[LAUGHTER]

SURE, BOTH COUNTRIES ENJOY FERMENTED HORSE MILK, AND THEY BOTH SLEEP IN YAK-HIDE YURTS--

[LAUGHTER]

BUT EVERYBODY KNOWS IN KYRGYZSTAN, THEY PLAY A FRETLESS STRINGED INSTRUMENT CALLED THE

QOMUZ WHICH IS NOTHING LIKE KAZAKHSTAN'S DOMBRA, ALSO A FRETLESS STRINGED INSTRUMENT,

[LAUGHTER]

BUT WITH A SLIGHTLY THINNER NECK.

[LAUGHTER]

AND WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, KERRY?

GO TO DOWNTOWN BISHKEK AND TRY TO USE A BUNCH OF TENGE TO BUY A NEW KALPAK?

[LAUGHTER]

NOT WITHOUT FIRST EXCHANGING IT INTO SOUMS.

YOU'RE NOT!

WHAT A MAROON!

QUIT EMBARRASSING YOURSELF, KERRY.

LIKE BAI, THE IMPERIOUS RICH MAN OF KHAZAKH FOLKLORE WHO WAS TRICKED INTO TRADING HIS

WARM COAT FOR ONE FULL OF HOLES BY THE BEGUILING ALDAR KOSE.

AM I RIGHT?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I MEAN, WHAT AN IDIOT.

[ LAUGHTER ]