Yahweh or No Way - Altered Catholic Mass, Papal Seat Belt & Offensive Vodka Ad

  • Aired:  11/29/11
  •  | Views: 85,187

The Catholic Church revises the liturgy, Pope Benedict XVI gets caught riding the Popemobile without a seat belt, and a vodka ad offends Jews and Christians alike. (6:48)

GINGRICH!

(LAUGHTER)

NATION, THEY SAY EVERY TIME GOD

CLOSES A DOOR HE OPENS A WINDOW.

THAT'S WHY HEAVEN HAS SUCH HUGE

AIR CONDITIONING BILLS.

(LAUGHTER)

THIS IS YAHWEH OR NO WAY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

FOLKS, EVERYBODY KNOWS I'M THE

MOST FAMOUS CATHOLIC ON

TELEVISION.

I'M THE ONLY ONE IN LATE NIGHT

WITH HIS OWN CHECKLIST.

I AM BASICALLY THE POPE OF BASIC

CABLE.

SO WHEN SOMETHING HAPPENS IN THE

CATHOLIC CHURCH, EVERYONE IS

WAITING FOR MY IMPRAY MA TOUR,

MY SAT SAT, MY MY DOGGO DOGGARE

PUPSI BITE'EM.

(LAUGHTER)

WELL, ON SUNDAY THE HOLY ROMAN

CATHOLIC CHURCH, THE ONE TRUE

BRIDE OF CHRIST TURNED INTO A

GIRL GONE WILD.

>> CATHOLICS PROBABLY NOTICED

CHANGES DURING MASS.

THE CHURCH IS USING AN ENGLISH

TRANSLATION OF THE RITUAL TEXT

USED FOR CELEBRATING MASS.

>> YES, THEY CHANGED THE WORDS

TO THE MASS.

THEY PUT THE NEW WORDS ON THIS

LITTLE CARD RIGHT HERE.

CAUGHT ME BY TOTAL SURPRISE!

THE CATHOLIC CHURCH IS NOT KNOWN

FOR CHANGING ITS POSITION--

MISSIONARY, BY THE WAY.

(LAUGHTER)

SO THE QUESTION IS ARE THESE

CHANGES TO THE MASS WHAT GOD

WANTS?

YAHWEH OR NO WAY?

NO WAY!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

LISTEN UP... LISTEN UP, CATHOLIC

CHURCH.

DO NOTES ME WITH THE LITURGY.

IT IS THE INFALLIBLE WORD OF GOD

WHICH WAS TRANSLATED FROM THE

LATIN WHICH WAS TRANSLATED FROM

THE GREEK WHICH WAS TRANSLATED

FROM THE ARAMAIC WHICH, OF

COURSE, WAS TRANSLATED FROM THE

ORIGINAL ENGLISH.

(LAUGHTER)

BESIDES, DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT

TOOK KNOW MEMORIZE ALL THESE

PRAYERS?

IT WAS HARDER THAN MEMORIZING

"WE DIDN'T START THE FIRE."

(LAUGHTER)

"OUR FATHER WHO ART IN HEAVEN,

HALLOWED BE THY NAME.

THY KINGDOM COME, THY WILL BEEN

B DONE, ION SOMETIME, JAMES

DEAN, BROOKLYN'S GOT A WINNING

TEAM, DAVY CROCKETT BUSINESSNY

LAND ELVIS PRESLEY DISNEYLAND."

AMEN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND CHECK THIS OUT.

GET ALOAD OF THESE SO-CALLED

IMPROVEMENTS.

THE NEW NICENE CREED.

THE 1700-YEAR-OLD PROFESSION OF

WHAT ALL CATHOLICS MUST BELIEVE

HAS BEEN TWEAKED.

IT NOW DESCRIBES JESUS NOT AS

THE UNDERSTANDABLE ONE IN BEING

WITH THE FATHER BUT AS CON

CONSUBSTANTIAL WITH THE FATHER.

REALLY?

CONSUBSTANTIAL?

WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?

(LAUGHTER)

WE'RE TRYING TO GET INTO HEAVEN

HERE, NOT TAKE THE S.A.T.s!

(LAUGHTER)

AND FOR THE RECORD...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND FOR THE RECORD, CON

CONSUBSTANTIAL IS NOW ISTANBUL.

(LAUGHTER)

FOLKS, I DON'T THINK I'M

OVERSTATING IT.

I DON'T THINK I'M OVERSTATING IT

WHEN I SAY THIS IS THE

SINGLE-BIGGEST SCANDAL EVER TO

HIT THE CATHOLIC CHURCH.

(LAUGHTER)

I CERTAINLY REFUSE TO THINK OF

ANOTHER.

(LAUGHTER)

WORST OF ALL, WITH THESE WEIRD

NEW CHANGES, NOW WHEN I'M IT

ISING IN THE PEW I HAVE TO STOP

AND ACTUALLY THINK ABOUT WHAT

I'M SAYING INSTEAD OF MINDLESSLY

RECITING WORDS WHILE PLAYING

FRUIT NINJA ON MY IPHONE.

NOW, JUST BECAUSE I THINK THE

POPE DROPPED A BALL ON THIS ONE

DOES NOT MEAN I'M NOT ON HIS

SIDE.

I'M A HUGE FAN.

HE'S GOT THE HAIR OF ANDERSON

COOPER AND THE FACE OF AN ANGEL

THAT GOT STUCK IN A FOOD

DEHYDRATOR.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT APPARENTLY NOT EVERYBODY OUT

THERE IS A FAN OF THE POPEST

WITH THE MOSTEST.

SPECIFICALLY HIS BROTHERS FROM

DER FATHERLAND.

JIM?

>> TURNS OUT THE POPE IS NOT

IMMUNE WHEN IT COMES TO SEAT

BELT SAFETY.

A GERMAN CITIZEN FILED A LAWSUIT

AGAINST THE PONTIFF AFTER

SPOTTING THE POPE RIDING IN THE

POPEMOBILE WITHOUT A SEAT BELT.

>> Stephen: HEY, GERMANY, THE

POPE IS INFALLIBLE.

HE DOESN'T HAVE TO OBEY YOUR

STUPID TRAFFIC LAWS.

IF HE WANTS TO DO 100 MILES PER

HOUR BACKWARDS DOWN A ONE-WAY

STREET ON THE SIDEWALK FLASHING

HIS BRIGHTS TEXTING WITH ONE

HAND WHILE HE'S TOKYO DRIFTING

THROUGH A SCHOOL ZONE SCREAMING

"I DON'T GIVE A (BLEEP)" WITH

HIS WINDOWS DOWN AND HIS SYSTEM

UP, THAT IS GOD'S WILL.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

BESIDES, EVERYBODY KNOWS THE

HOLY FATHER HAS A NEED FOR

SPEED.

(LAUGHTER)

HE TRAVELED AT AN AVERAGE RATE

OF SIX MILES AN HOUR.

SO SHOULD THE POPE FASTEN HIS

SEAT BELT?

YAHWEH OR NO WAY?

NO WAY!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE

POPEMOBILE IS THE SAFEST CAR ON

THE ROAD.

HE DOESN'T JUST HAVE A DASHBOARD

JESUS, IT HAS JESUS IN THE

DASHBOARD.

THE POPE DOESN'T NEED TO WEAR A

SEAT BELT BECAUSE IF THE POPE

GETS IN AN ACCIDENT JESUS

DEPLOYS.

(LAUGHTER)

AND IF THE POPE HAD A LITTLE TOO

MUCH OF THE SACRAMENT, JESUS CAN

TURN THE WINE BACK INTO WATER SO

HE DOESN'T GET A D.U.I . AND

SPEAKING OF ALCOHOL, FOLKS, MY

FINAL JUDGMENT...

(APPLAUSE).

MY FINAL JUDGMENT... THANK YOU.

MY FINAL JUDGMENT INVOLVES A

CONTROVERSIAL NEW BILLBOARD.

>> THE BILLBOARDS CAME DOWN

HOURS AFTER THE ANTI-DEFAMATION

LEAGUE PUBLICLY CALLED THEM

OFFENSIVE.

THE ADS TOUTING THE POLISH

SPIRIT WODKA CLAIMED IT HAD

CHRISTMAS QUALITY AT CHANUKAH

PRICING.

(AUDIENCE REACTS).

>> Stephen: YES.

CHRISTMAS QUALITY, CHANUKAH

PRICING.

NOW, SOME SAY THIS AD IS

OFFENSIVE TO CHRISTIANS AND JEWS

AND MAYBE EVEN MUSLIMS BECAUSE

IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY THAT DOG IS

AN AFGHAN.

(LAUGHTER)

SO IS THIS AD OFFENSIVE.

YAHWEH OR NO WAY?

YAHWEH!

♪ HALL LAY YOU... ♪

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I AM

PERSONALLY OFFENDED THAT WODKA

CLAIMS THEIR $9 POTATO PEEL

BATHTUB HOOCH IS CHRISTMAS

QUALITY.

CHRISTMAS IS NOT ABOUT GETTING

BLITZED ON VODKA.

IT'S ABOUT GETTING BLITZED ON

EGGNOG.

RUMNOG AND EGG BALLS.

EVERY HOLIDAY HAS ITS OWN

LIQUOR.

WHISKEY IS FOR ST. PATRICK'S

DAY.

TEQUILA IS FOR CINCO DE MAYO AND

ABSINTHE IS FOR MARTIN LUTHER

KING DAY.

TRUST ME, YOU DRINK ENOUGH, AND

YOU WILL HAVE A DREAM.

(LAUGHTER)

AND VODKA IS A RUSSIAN DRINK.

THEIR BIG HOLIDAY ISN'T

CHRISTMAS IT'S EASTER.

AND IT MAKES SENSE BECAUSE IF

YOU DOWN ENOUGH OF THIS SWILL IT

IS GOING TO RI

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