Chair Apparent

  • Aired:  11/17/10
  •  | Views: 32,212

Joe Barton is an expert on the wind industry, and John Shimkus knows that God will not destroy the Earth. (5:14)

NATION, FOLKS, THE HOUSE OF

REPRESENTATIVES IS CHANGING

HANDS.

THAT MEANS MORE THAN JUST THE

DEMOCRATS GIVING THE REPUBLICANS

A KEYS AND EXPLAINING WHICH

REMOTE WORKS THE TV AND WHICH

SHUTS DOWN THE GOVERNMENT.

IT MEANS ALL THE HOUSE

COMMITTEES GET NEW REPUBLICAN

CHAIRMAN, AND I CANNOT WAIT.

IT WILL BE LIKE CHRISTMAS

MORNING EXCEPT EVERY PRESENT IS

AN OLD WHITE GUY.

( LAUGHTER )

AND WITH ALL THE NEW VACANCIES,

IT'S TIME FOR THE LATEST

INSTALLMENT OF MY LONG-RUNNING

SERIES "STEPHEN COLBERT'S CHAIR

APPARENT."

TONIGHT, TONIGHT THE BATTLE TO

CHAIR THE ENERGY AND COMMERCE

COMMITTEE.

NOW, THE POSERS OUT THERE CAN

TALK ABOUT YOUR UPON AND YOUR

STERN, BUT THIS THING COMES DOWN

TO A SLUGFEST BETWEEN TWO GREAT

CONSERVATIVES, JOE BARTON OF

TEXAS AND JOHN SHIMKAS OF

ILLINOIS.

BARTON LOOKS STRONG.

HE'S THE HOUSE'S LEADING EXPERT

ON ENERGY, AND BY EXPERT, I MEAN

THE GUY WHO ALWAYS GETS THE MOST

CASH FROM THE OIL INDUSTRY.

THAT KIND OF EXPERTISE LED

BARTON THE STAND UP TO BRITISH

PETROLEUM ON HIS OWN TWO KNEES.

>> IT IS A TRAGEDY OF THE FIRST

PROPORTION THAT A PRIVATE

CORPORATION CAN BE SUBJECTED TO

WHAT I WOULD CHARACTERIZE AS A

SHAKEDOWN.

I APOLOGIZE.

>> Stephen: YES, HE BLEW SMOKE

UP TONY HAYWARD'S ASS.

BUT I BELIEVE THAT'S HOW HE

BECAME AN EXPERT ON WIND ENERGY.

LISTEN, LISTEN TO HIS ANALYSIS

OF THIS SQUAD RENEWABLE SOURCE.

WIND IS GOD'S WAY OF BALANCING

HEAT.

WIND IS THE WAY YOU SHIFT HEAT

FROM AREAS WHERE IT'S HOTTER TO

AREAS WHERE IT'S COOLER.

THAT'S WHAT WIND IS.

WOULDN'T IT BE IRONIC IF IN THE

INTEREST OF GLOBAL WARMING WE

MANDATED MASSIVE SWITCHES TO

ENERGY, WHICH IS A FINITE

RESOURCE, WHICH SLOWS THE WINDS

DOWN, WHICH CAUSES THE

TEMPERATURES TO GO UP?

( LAUGHTER )

THAT IS RIGHT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

FOLKS... HE'S RIGHT.

WIND TURBINES WILL MAKE THE WIND

SLOW DOWN.

IT'S JUST LIKE WHEN YOU PUT YOUR

HAND OUT THE CAR WINDOW, THE CAR

STOPS.

THAT'S CALLED SCIENCE.

AND SCIENCE IS SOMETHING BARTON

UNDERSTANDS WELL BECAUSE HE

BAFFLED NOBEL PRIZE WINNING

ENERGY SECRETARY STEVEN CHU.

>> I HAVE ONE SIMPLE QUESTION

FOR YOU IN THE LAST SIX SECONDS:

HOW DID ALL THE OIL AND GAS GET

TO ALASKA AND UNDER THE ARCTIC

OCEAN?

>> THIS IS A COMPLICATED STORY.

THERE ARE CONTINENTAL PLATES

THAT HAVE BEEN DRIFTING AROUND

THROUGHOUT THE GEOLOGICAL AGES.

>> SO IT JUST DRIFTED UP THERE?

>> Stephen: YEAH, CHU, REALLY.

IT JUST DRIFTED UP THERE.

AS IF THE CONTINENTS WERE

WRAPPED OF ROCK FLOATING ON A

MOLTEN CORE WHICH ALSO EXPLAINS

ALL VOLCANIC ACTIVITY AND

EARTHQUAKES.

RIGHT.

ISN'T THE SIMPLER, BLAH NATION

THAT DURING THE MISSING 18 YEARS

OF JESUS' LIFE THAT AREN'T IN

THE BIBLE THAT HE WENT UP TO

ALASKA AND GAVE IT A DELICIOUS

FUDGY CENTER?

SO CLEARLY JOE BARTON WOULD BE

THE PERFECT MAN FOR THE JOB WERE

IT NOT FOR ILLINOIS'S JOHN

SHIMKAS WHO KNOWS WE DON'T NEED

TO WORRY ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING

BECAUSE GOD TOLD NOAH HE

WOULDN'T FLOOD THE WORLD AGAIN,

AND IF A GUY STUCK ON A BOAT

WITH THOUSANDS OF ANIMALS DIDN'T

COMPLAIN ABOUT METHANE

EMISSIONS, WHY SHOULD WE?

CONGRESSMAN...

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

THAT GUY LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR.

( LAUGHTER )

CONGRESSMAN SHIMKAS TESTIFIED.

>> I WANT TO START WITH GENESIS

8.

"NEVER AGAIN WILL I DESTROY ALL

LIVING CREATURES AS I HAVE DONE.

AS LONG AS THE EARTH ENDURES,

HARVEST, COLD AND HEAT, SUMMER

AND WINTER, DAY AND NIGHT WILL

NEVER CEASE."

I BELIEVE THAT'S THE WORD OF GOD

AND THAT'S THE WAY IT'S GOING TO

BE FOR HIS CREATIONS.

>> Stephen: EXACTLY.

THE BIBLE SHOULD BE OUR GUIDE

FOR ANY CRISIS.

THAT'S WHY WHENEVER I SEE A

MUGGING VICTIM LYING IN A DITCH,

I KNOW THE BEST MEDICAL

TREATMENT IS TO WAIT FOR SOMEONE

FROM SUE MARA TO HELP HIM.

POINT IS, POINT IS, MANKIND

CANNOT DESTROY THE EARTH.

THE BOOK OF THE REVELATION

CLEARLY LAYS OUT EXACTLY WHAT

WILL HAPPEN WHEN THE EARTH ENDS

AND IT NEVER MENTIONS

ENVIRONMENTAL DISASTERS.

IT JUST SAYS THE TREES AND GAS

WILL BIRD, ONE-THIRD OF THE

CREATURES IN THE SEA WILL DRY,

SMOKE WILL RISE FROM THE ABYSS

LIKE A SMOKE FROM THE GIGANTIC

FURNACE DARKNING THE SUN.

NOTHING ABOUT CAP AND TRADE IN

THERE.

THAT IS WHY REPRESENTATIVE

SHIMKAS IS GETTING THE COLBERT

BUMP.

SIR, YOU'RE GOING TO BE IN

CHARGE, AND WHEN YOU DO GET YOUR

CHAIRMANSHIP, PLEASE INVITE ME

TO ALL YOUR HEARINGS, BECAUSE I

WOULD LOVE TO TESTIFY AGAIN AS

LONG AS I CAN BRING MY